Mar.05.2009 I think this guy likes boobs

I like boobs. In fact, I think you should be legally called a man if you don’t have a B-cup (sorry ladies, I’m not buying the “I have ovaries” nonsense any longer). But this guy really seems to love boobs. And be a creep. So it’s bonus time! The video gets NSFW at around 1:02, but ironically that’s the best part so tread wisely.

Honestly, I’m going to be really disappointed if this guy doesn’t have some severed boobs on his mantle. There are some people you can look at and go, “Oh boy, this guy’s not healthy” and I get that vibe from this guy. Then again, is there ever a time where someone pulls a bunch of shady Polaroids our of their briefcase and it leads to something completely normal and healthy? In fact, any time has a briefcase outside of a work environment and opens it up, it’s a pretty good sign they’re up to no good. So pretty much we should just automatically arrest anyone with a briefcase or look at them with disdain and assume they’re a pedophile or someone making a massive drug buy. Agreed? Agreed.

[via my savior from a lack of interesting content, Buzzfeed]

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Mar.03.2009 Woman calls 911 three times due to lack of McNuggets

A woman in Florida got in trouble with the police for calling 911 three times because a McDonald’s employee would not refund her money due to the restaurant not having McNuggets. You can hear all three calls below.

Get the Flash Player to see the wordTube Media Player.

Get the Flash Player to see the wordTube Media Player.

Get the Flash Player to see the wordTube Media Player.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.”

Goodman noted, “I called 911 because I couldn’t get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets,” according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report.

That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system.

Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, “this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency.

I enjoy food quite a bit. When you have a craving for something and you can’t get it, that sucks really bad. But maybe you can opt not to call the police when you can’t get your fried gelatinous chickenlike products. Now if they forget the honey mustard, that’s a completely different thing and I don’t blame you for prosecuting them to the fullest extents of the law. What am I going to use barbecue sauce LIKE A SAVAGE?!?

Also fill in the blank: Big shock that a ____er wouldn’t accept anything other than McNuggets. Answer: McDonald’s-lover! Oh your racism has failed you in riddle solving once again, just like the time the Times crossword puzzle said, “90% more likely to cause traffic accidents” and the answer was “TRUCK” as opposed to the slur for Chinese people you filled in.


Mar.03.2009 Cut the shit, tree

I don’t know what to make of this other than the fact that it’s simply horrifying and that nature, quite frankly, is a dick.


I saw the documentary Evil Dead so I learned that trees pretty much just want to fuck you over at every turn. They say they provide you with air and whatever but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should trust them. You know what else would provide you with air? A homeless guy with CPR skills. But then you end up with an awful taste in your mouth and you end up homeless too. Or am I thinking of zombies. Well, either way, it’d taste like rotting human flesh and poverty, which isn’t good. Unless you’re a cannibal who wants to be thrifty.


Mar.02.2009 Woman has big mouth, swallows jars, scares me

Our friends at Buzzfeed unearthed an AWFUL TERRIBLE AWFUL video of a Japanese show (stunner) featuring a woman with a monstrous mouth. Literally, like a monster. Take a look.

It’s pretty obvious to make a joke like “I bet she can suck a dick lol” but fuck that. That would be awful. It may shock you to learn that my penis is not roughly the size of a grenade launcher so I’m pretty sure it’d be in this chick’s mouth lost and afraid, like a little kid in the woods in a cautionary fairy tale. And my penis doesn’t have a lunchbox full of breadcrumbs to find its way back out, so that’s a pretty horrific outcome to subject my genitals to. And I’d get about as much pleasure out of it as I would getting a root canal performed on my ass. So I guess the point is that you need to use dick jokes responsibly because your penis can’t look out for itself.

*the more you knowwwww

Feb.27.2009 KFC employees continue to amaze with brilliance

There’s just something about KFC and nakedness. First a couple teenage girls strip down and bathe in a KFC sink and now a couple of employees were coerced into stripping down by a random phone caller.


A Hazmat call to a Manchester [New Hampshire] Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant was determined to have been sparked by a hoax call, police said.

Firefighters were called to the restaurant on Hooksett Road because employees reported eye and skin irritation from a fire extinguisher. When emergency crews arrived, they found three employees disrobed outside of the building.

The employees told police that the restaurant got a call from someone claiming to be from corporate headquarters who asked them to test their fire suppression system. When they did and reported that they had chemicals from the extinguisher on their clothes, the caller told them they needed to take their clothes off.

The workers said they became suspicious when the caller then told them to urinate on each other.

I could see how that might arise suspicions. Typically when someone tells you that you need to urinate on someone else, there should either be a jellyfish sting or an exceptional amount of cash involved. You do have to applaud the person on the phone for coming up with a clever way for making people to disrobe though. “There are chemicals in your building” should officially become the pick-up line for assertive perverts across the land.

Personally, I’m shocked that a couple of people working at KFC would be so gullible. I’m pretty sure they have pretty high standards of education there. Like did you know you have to be able to tell the difference between cooked and uncooked chicken? It’s like what the fuck am I, Jonas Salk?


Feb.25.2009 Talking to women is hard :(

It may shock you to learn that the purveyors of video games working at Gamestop may not be the most adept at talking to women. Fortunately, there are training videos to teach them about that.

The most important lesson I extracted from the video is that “women don’t like being condescended to or ignored.” That’s basically counterintuitive to everything I’ve ever learned about women. Like when a woman says something, I usually go, “Yeah okay, what, did your VAGINA tell you to say that?” Then I exchange a limp high five with my male friends and go back to discussing whether or not you could see Zelda’s cooch in a freeze frame of Super Smash Bros. She loves it when you look at her like that and she’s better than real women because she doesn’t bleed from her vagina every couple days. Yuckyyyyyyy!!!


Feb.24.2009 Our prayers have been answered: Meet the Pizza Cone

An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on fattening foods and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet. Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.


A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone.

Pizza Cone is exactly what it sounds like: A cone made of pizza dough stuffed with ingredients like cheese, pepperoni and pizza sauce and then eaten on the go like an ice cream cone.

Taylor’s Bakery, founded in 1913, has signed an agreement with Hilton Head, S.C.-based Pino Gelato to be the sole producer of the cone for all of North America.

The equipment arrived at Taylor’s a few weeks ago and production is set to begin in a month.

“Everyone thinks it’s going to be the next hula hoop,” said John Allen, who runs Taylor’s along with his two sons, Matt and Drew. “It’s been very secretive and under the radar.”

Who is this “EVERYONE,” John Allen? What fat diabetic man with an eye for trends wired your house with a speaker and pretended that he was a higher power telling you that it was your divine mission to provide America with a fucking pizza that you can eat on the go? And theoretically a slice and a half worth of pizza to go isn’t bad, but you know it won’t stop there. The cones will eventually end up the size of a roadside cone and we’ll all eat them vigorously while hating ourselves the entire time. It’s kind of ridiculous that with people poorer than ever, for the most part, we’re eating like we’re decadent hedonists being fanned by manservants. But on the plus side, PIZZA…IN A CONE! BUY BUY BUY HULA HOOP BUY BUY.

It also seems appropriate to throw in this SNL bit “Taco Town” here. We’re not that far, people. Whether that’s good or bad depends on whether you have fat covering your genitals like a Muslim woman, I suppose.


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