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Apr.16.2009 Saved by the Bell is even more awesome bleeped


I love the show Saved by the Bell. Somehow, some brave soul found a way to make the show even better by adding random bleeps. It starts slow but really picks up, so stick with it.

When I was a kid, I so desperately wanted to be Zack Morris. But no matter how often I snapped my fingers and said, “Freeze,” groping women only resulted in strange looks or arrests. It was probably because I didn’t go with the blonde dye job. Peroxide, what can’t you do?

This isn’t even a joke, but at random times during the day on occasion, I’ll start singing the Bayside High fight song. Bee-buh-buh-buh–buh-buh-bee-bee-BEE-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BEE go Bayside! Yet I can’t remember the number of my debit card which I’ve had for over a year. What the fuck does that say about the worthless mass of flesh inside my skull? Answer: Mark-Paul Gosselaar probably fucked my eardrum once when I wasn’t looking. Sneaky.

[via via]

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Apr.07.2009 If TV science were more like real science


Via PHD Comics comes this look at the differences between the science on our favorite TV shows and how it is in real life.

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It’s true, TV is really deceptive. For example did you know that there isn’t actually an underwater community with a sponge and some fat sea mollusk and a squirrel in an astronaut suit? More liberal media spin from Nickelodeon.

Really though, if you can’t accept that TV takes some jumps in logic, you can probably just die. If TV were real life, Jack Bauer would spend countless hours on 24 filling out paperwork and dealing with explosive diarrhea from the toxins he was exposed to. But weeks of a show with a guy filing reports and asking for softer toilet paper for his sensitive asshole isn’t the most compelling thing on TV. More compelling than The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, sure. But watching Jill Scott’s fat ass bathing in butter while she does a sexy hippo dance for you would be more compelling than that “Hey, we’ve got black people that aren’t criminals on HBO! Love us!” drivel.

Apr.02.2009 In honor of Guiding Light’s cancellation


Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (which, really, you should be reading every day at this point) comes this take on soap operas.

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When I wanted to become an actor, I remember being told that soap opera acting was pretty much the dregs of the community. But I don’t totally get why. Who wouldn’t want to have to pretend to be a normal human being in absurd situations, like finding out your mom was actually a velociraptor or opening your bedroom door to find your girlfriend has amnesia and thinks she’s married to a zombie? That’s pretty much Shakespearean, if Shakespeare were a room full of drunk monkeys with typewriters missing the “E” key.

Mar.30.2009 FOX orders new fatty dating reality show


When I watch TV, I often think to myself, “This show is okay, but you know what it needs? More ugly people.” Thank God for FOX and their new show “More to Love.”

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Fox is teaming with “The Bachelor” producer Mike Fleiss for a new dating-competition series that casts “average-looking” people.

The series, titled “More to Love,” is billed as the first “dating show for the rest of us,” throwing open its doors to overweight contestants.

“For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. “Why don’t real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?”

“Most of the country isn’t a Size 2,” Fleiss said. “It’s the dating show for the rest of us.”

So here’s the problem. I see fat people EVERYFUCKINGWHERE I GO. They’re taking up multiple seats on the train, meandering down the middle of a block making it impossible for me to get around, eating disgusting foods at fast food places across the country, taking their equally fat kids to buy video games so that they can make them grow up to be as fat as the rest of their family, and overall making the world a place with more gravitational pull. So WHY ON EARTH do we need another show to make fat people not only feel good about themselves, but encourage them to procreate with a similarly gelatinous person to make even more people with inferior genes? It’s socially irresponsible.

So to you FOX, I say you should get FCC sanctions. This is counter to everything TV (and especially reality TV) was founded on: Putting beautiful people into absurd situations. It’s not right, FOX. I expect better from the station that gave me Temptation Island. In fact, there’s a solution…FOX could put this show on the same set as that show and call it Fat Cunts Who Probably Have Diabetes and Vaginas That Smell Like Rotted Twinkies Island. While not as catchy, it definitely does a good job of conveying the subject matter and amount of creme filling.

[source]

Mar.27.2009 The LOST/Muppet Babies mash-up you’ve been waiting for


I’m a huge fan of LOST and probably haven’t promoted that fact here enough. I’m also a fan of Muppet Babies. So these two twains meeting = success!

You can see more clips of Muppet Babies spliced with audio from LOST here.

I’m kind of sleepy and don’t know what I’d say here that’d be funnier than that, so I’ll tell you what. Let’s just pretend I said like the funniest shit ever and you were like, floored by it. Like this was the most amazing laugh ever that it could cure cancer. And then…boom, nuclear war. Was that laugh really worth it? Probably not. So really, I just averted catastrophe. But where’s my medal of honor? Dicks.

[saw it first here]

Mar.25.2009 Anthony Jeselnik is funnier than your comedian


I’m rooting for Jimmy Fallon’s show even though I’m still waiting for him to hit his stride. And one of the reasons is that he has funny people like Anthony Jeselnik writing for him. Take a look at his set from last night’s show, the first stand-up act on the show thus far.

How can you not root for someone who follows up a domestic violence joke with a kiddy porn joke? Especially if you read this site. It’s like seeing an adorable puppy dog and opting to kick it in the throat rather than scratch its belly and go, “Who’s my little man? Who’s my little man?”

I can’t say I approve of the Asian humor though. I mean, for fuck’s sake, there has to be some dumb Asian person out there who’s really offended by the fact that every time an Asian joke is made, it’s about how intelligent they are. But then he looks down at his small penis and goes, “Ahh, all is right in the world.”

[you'd have seen this clip earlier today if you were following me on Twitter. dicks.]

Mar.17.2009 The new PG Porn is the best one yet


I don’t think any of my readers would indulge in such crass pasttimes as Internet pornography, but maybe you’ve heard of the popular Bangbus porn series. Well, this newest PG Porn video takes that concept and makes it extremely funny with “The Helpful Bus” (featuring the always-awesome Craig Robinson from The Office).

I don’t really have anything to add that’s funnier than that so I just want to point out that this season of 24 is pretty awesome. My favorite part this season was when Jack Bauer was falsely accused of something, then arrested, then still somehow ended up saving the world in spite of everyone else’s incompetence. Fortunately, that’s happened EVERY FUCKING EPISODE. Yet in spite of that, it’s still awesome. Though you’d think people would stop questioning Jack. Like if I lit myself on fire 6 times and this one dude kept coming over with a bucket of water and putting it out, I’d imagine by the 7th time I’d be like “Oh, that dude with the bucket of water is going to help me out” instead of “HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BUCKET OF WATER, STOP IT, I DON’T TRUST YOU OR YOUR METHODS” but maybe that’s just my naivete.

Anyway, watch 24. I’m sure that finally this little-heard-of show can finally get over the top based upon my recommendation.

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