Jan.30.2009 Yay more Erudite Ferret!
In this morning’s Comic of the Day, I speculated that Erudite Ferret could become a meme. And now, here we are mere hours later and it’s starting to blow up.
For the record, while I find this fairly amusing, I have to say that ferrets smell like shit and make really annoying noises so they do kind of suck in real life. But fuck it, put anything in a top hat and monocle and I’m pleased. Seriously…if Mahmoud Ahmedinejad had on a top hat and monocle while going on his anti-American rants I’d just go like, “Hahaha you funny widdle man, who’s the funny guy in the funny suit!” Actually I already do that with anyone who looks different than me. It’s actually even more patronizing than it reads in print.
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Jan.30.2009 Internet anti-memes
Via Bigfatwhale comes this clever little comic about Internet memes that won’t take off.
Now I usually don’t insult the maker of a comic here in the Comic of the Day but this is just inaccurate. Right now, I’m wishing that Erudite Ferrets and Racist Grandpa were a part of my life. Or Racist Ferrets. Or even just photos of ferrets biting minorities. Especially those Aztecs. They’re just asking for it.
Jan.29.2009 A week without a computer
Via The Pain Comics comes this nice little commentary on what life is like without the Internet. I like the part with the drawings.
It’s kind of sad but true that my life utterly loses meaning when I’m not connected to the Internet, either via a computer or my iPhone. It’s probably okay for like an hour or so before I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IS GOING ON ONLINE I CAN’T SEE MY EMAIL WHAT IF SOMEONE IS SAYING SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT OR ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST MAKING A REALLY TRIVIAL POST ON MY WALL AHHH I CAN’T STAND IT”. And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that I’d be more likely to get off by watching elephants fuck than using my imagination. So yeah, needless to say, if the Internet were a person, I’d probably at least give it a handjob out of obligation. In preparation, I will jerk off my ethernet cord thusly.
Jan.28.2009 New hot babe sells her virginity online
This may have been a hoax but I REALLYYYYY hope it wasn’t. According to Gawker, a 19 year-old sexy broad auctioned her virginity on the Internet yesterday.
Say what you will about the other girl selling her virginity Natalie Dylan (and many of you commenters certainly did), but she has a lot more going for her than this girl…including four working limbs.
Welcome! You are bidding on a 19 yr old quadriplegic girl for her VIRGINITY!!!
I may not look much to you but you can did what ever fantasies you have on me! You will need to pay for a hotel with wheelchair access or make sure your house is accessable! Don’t have to use condoms!
Feel free to e-mail any questions! Bank Deposit accepted only! Enjoy! Thankyou! Good Luck!
I’m all for women opting to take control of their destiny. Though in this case (assuming it was real because dammit I want to believe), it probably was just someone looking to sell this girl without her knowledge. Which makes sense because it’s pretty humane to see a quadriplegic mess and think, “Hmm, I wonder how much money I would get for someone who wants to split her hymen?” That’s a little something called entrepreneurship. It’s practically the exact same thing as creating the Ford Model T for the first time, especially when you consider that they’re both poorly constructed, can’t move without wheels, and would provide you the same amount of pleasure when fucking it.
Jan.13.2009 The hottest house on the block
Via Explosm comes this comic which is Pimp My Ride-ish but apparently not hosted by Xzibit ( :( ).
I always wondered why people were always so thrilled when Pimp My Ride would fuck up their cars by putting gaudy decals and shit on them. I mean yeah it’s awesome that they put in the engine and a Coke dispenser (soda, not drugs…unless there was a special episode I missed) but the awesomeness seems slightly negated to me by having a dragon on the side or a flaming elf playing Tiddlywinks. Just my conservative style, I suppose.
Also, if you haven’t seen the 4chan meme about Pimp My Ride/Xzibit, you’re only cheating yourself.
Jan.09.2009 Burger King is asking for human sacrifice
I don’t ever eat Burger King but I sure love their ad campaigns. Their newest one asks you to install a Facebook app that asks you to “sacrifice” ten friends to get a free Whopper.
Fast-food chain Burger King has created “Whopper Sacrifice,” a Facebook app that will give you a coupon for a free hamburger if you delete 10 people from your friends list.
Burger King has put out some interesting campaigns as of late (”Whopper Virgin,” “Subservient Chicken”), but this one piques our interest because of how gleefully it pokes fun at our social-networking obsessions. “Now is the time to put your fair-weather Web friendships to the test,” the Whopper Sacrifice site explains. “Install Whopper Sacrifice on your Facebook profile, and we’ll reward you with a free flame-broiled Whopper when you sacrifice ten of your friends.
The funniest part: The “sacrifices” show up in your activity feed. So it’ll say, for example, “Caroline sacrificed Josh Lowensohn for a free Whopper.” Unfortunately, you can’t delete your whole friends list and eat free (however unhealthily) for a week. The promotion is limited to one coupon per Facebook account.
You can get the app here if you’re interested.
I’ve sacrificed friends for a lot of things; my career, women, school, to attempt to appease the gods. But I don’t know about giving it up for a quarter pound of meat that will only result in more pressure for my arteries. Though I guess it’d be a pretty convenient way out of friendships with people you don’t like. Nothing says that you don’t value someone quite like trading them in for a torrid love affair with a guy in a mask and a crown.
In related news, this is an encouraging step towards a company asking us to murder someone for their product. Hopefully for something better than a Whopper, but still fairly trivial. There’d be nothing more gratifying than people killing each other in gruesome ways for a George Foreman grill or tickets to a Menudo reunion concert.
[via]
Jan.05.2009 Ever heard of a “Lion King”?
Ever heard of the sexual term the “Lion King”? If you’re like me, you hadn’t. But you will never forget it now.
In text form, in case you get confused and can’t read words on images:
When having sex, you pull out right before you ejaculate. Go in your own hand. Get the girl to face you and before she realizes it, use your thumb to smear some sperm across her forehead and say “Simba”.
“I used the Lion King on my girlfriend last night”
I loved the Lion King as a child and I can only imagine that adding this dimension to the film would really spice it up. At the very least, it’d probably spice it up a bit more than my previous attempts. Imagining myself having sex with Nala just made me feel like a creep and imagining Scar getting into an orgy with the hyenas just made me envision Whoopi Goldberg nude on the ground in the Serengeti, so this seems like a reasonable compromise.
I always enjoy these sexual terms but I have to wonder if anyone has ever actually done any of them. I can imagine that, at worst, anything like a Chili Dog or a Strawberry Shortcake would get you divorced and possibly jailed while, at best, you’re going to lose the respect of someone and probably yourself. And that sure doesn’t taste like a real chili dog, believe me on that.
