Mar.11.2009 Spigots
Via Dustinland comes this comic about what word could possibly be the most racist and simultaneously the least racist word of all.
I hate when spigots get all uppity like this. First they take our women, then they take all our athletic jobs and they contribute nothing to society besides crime and efficiently distributed water. I say we go leave some burning buckets on their yard and call it a day. I assume that’d be the racial equivalent for a bucket. I’m not good at racism though. I’d probably end up just encouraging its practices, like when I went to Mexico and chastised everyone for how easy it is to cross the border and how I bet they’d love all the jobs and healthcare in America. Apparently they don’t get el sarcasmo en Mexico.
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Mar.02.2009 Drinking can cost you all this
If you were a nubile young man in 1909, you might have seen anti-liquor posters like this. Your reaction may not be what they intended.
Ironically, the only way you would ever want to fuck one of these beasts is if you were kneedeep in moonshine. God the early 1900s sucked. Women didn’t fuck and they looked like this, everyone was poor, the Irish were everywhere, and odds are you’d end up with polio. And I’m pretty sure color didn’t exist back then from what I can tell from all of the old photos and videos. How could I entertain everyone with my spinning red bow tie? Savages.
And this is why a time machine will lead you to nothing but problems. You’d probably be all excited if you had one, then go back in the past and go, “Wait, why doesn’t my iPhone work?” And the answer is probably AT&T’s shitty reception if you went back anywhere in the past two years. Or, if you go back further in time, because where cell-phone towers are now, lynching trees were. And you’d be shocked to learn that racially oppressed black men don’t generate cell-phone signals as well as you’d think (which is why early designs for the cell-phone antenna quickly switched to plastic or metal rods from their severed black penises). To science!
Feb.06.2009 Quote of the Day
A Republican committeewoman in Florida named Carol Carter is about to lose her job thanks to a comment about black people coming to DC to see Barack Obama’s inauguration versus evacuation New Orleans for Hurricane Katrina. Say what you will about the obvious racism and lack of concern for the victims of Katrina, but it’s a pretty witty comment for a southern Republican woman.
From: Carol Carter
Friday, January 30, 9:30 AM
Subject: FW: Amazing!I’m confused
How can 2,000,000 blacks get into Washington, DC in 1 day in sub zero temps when 200,000 couldn’t get out of New Orleans in 85 degree temps with four days notice?
Carol Carter
[via]
Feb.05.2009 Asian woman fails driving test 771 times
There’s failure and then there’s epic failure to the point of exhaustion. This South Korean grandmother who’s failed her driving test 771 times would certainly fall into the latter category.
A dogged South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but a local newspaper reported she will keep trying.
The 68-year-old, identified only by her last name Cha, has taken the test almost every working day since 2005 in the southwestern city of Jeonju. She failed again Monday for the 771st time.
“It was a record-breaking number here,” Choi Yong-Cheol, a police sergeant supervising the test in the city’s Deokjingu district, told AFP.
“I wonder if she will try it again for a 772nd time.”
The Korea Times said Cha will in fact be back for another attempt.
Choi said that Cha cannot pass the preliminary written section of the test, averaging scores of 30-50 whereas the pass mark is 60 out of 100.Local media said that Cha sells food and household items door to door at apartment complexes, carrying the items in a handcart, but wants to get a car for her business.
Police estimate she has spent almost five million won (3,600 dollars) to take the written test, with each test costing 6,000 won in addition to other expenses.
Whoa an Asian woman can’t drive? Holy shit stop the presses I’ve never heard of such a crazy news story. What next, a black guy becoming a star in the NBA or a white guy with a wispy moustache fucking an underaged boy? Will wonders never cease?!?!
Also did you know that people once believed that Asian women had a horizontal vagina? This really has nothing to do with the article but I’d really like to just throw that out there. No punchline just…yeah…horizontal vagina. Think about it.
[source]
Jan.30.2009 Internet anti-memes
Via Bigfatwhale comes this clever little comic about Internet memes that won’t take off.
Now I usually don’t insult the maker of a comic here in the Comic of the Day but this is just inaccurate. Right now, I’m wishing that Erudite Ferrets and Racist Grandpa were a part of my life. Or Racist Ferrets. Or even just photos of ferrets biting minorities. Especially those Aztecs. They’re just asking for it.
Jan.30.2009 The 7 most awful Super Bowl ads ever
Making a good Super Bowl commercial is hard. It takes months, if not years, of planning and research to make people remember your company’s ad. Conversely, 30 seconds of awfulness can make people remember you too, but for all the wrong reasons. Here are 7 ads which definitely fall into the latter category.
Christopher Reeve walking
Nuveen Investments, 2000
In 2000, paralyzed former Superman star Christopher Reeve “appeared” in this commercial. The message was that in the future, a whole lot of crazy crap is going to happen. Including, apparently, Christopher Reeve’s head being grafted to the body of a giant.
The goal of the commercial was to touch the hearts of Americans everywhere. Instead, everyone just kind of went, “Uh, that was creepy” and awkwardly took a bite out of their chicken wings. Oh also no one had any clue what Nuveen Investments did either because the commercial was really vague and almost made Nuveen Investments seem like an evil corporation from the future. Probably like the one that made Robocop.
Meet the official Holiday Inn transsexual
Holiday Inn, 1997
The gist of this commercial was that being a man getting a sex change was basically what Holiday Inn was doing to their hotels. Why this would make you want to stay there, no one was really sure, but if it’s good enough for Seinfeld’s Kenny Banya, it’s good enough for me.
The commercial was universally disliked and even resulted in some boycotts from various gay/transsexual/transgender groups. Probably not even for the hurtful depiction of their people, but rather for the tremendous slap in the face of being compared to a Holiday Inn.
White guys hunt down Kenyan, give him shoes
Just for Feet, 1999
There are few situations in which white men hunting down a black guy is going to make for a nicely received ad. This ad falls in line with that bold theorem on my part.
No embeddable clips so watch the commercial here
The premise if you’re too lazy to click: A Kenyan guy is walking around, being barefoot and Kenyan when some white guys in a Hummer drug him, capture him, then put sneakers on him. Eventually, he gets up all wobbly and runs, trying to free himself from these strange objects on his feet. The ad was so poorly received that it got a feature story on how bad it was on Salon.com, got the ad agency behind it sued (Saatchi & Saatchi, the agency in question, would countersue for Just for Feet’s ineptitude), and had a hand in Just for Feet’s bankruptcy later that year. So yeah, that turned out well.
Nov.18.2008 The November 18 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with organized combat
You may want to pursue a new activity after getting owned like that
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-<3 Elisha Cuthbert
