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Mar.20.2009 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are hard to make


Via Explosm comes this comic about the real life results of trying to make my childhood heroes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

kids-just-like-killing-things

As I said above, I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid but I’m not entirely sure why. I mean according to most studies, kids are heavily influenced by the toys they play with, be it boys with GI Joes or girls with Barbies and they all really make these unrealistic body images so that’s damaging to kids. I loved fucking MUTANT TURTLES who were completely jacked and excelled at karate…you can’t really get much more of an unrealistic body image than that. But you don’t see me rolling around in nuclear waste hoping to mutate do you? No. I only do that when I want to falsely collect worker’s compensation insurance. Eat it, science.

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Mar.09.2009 When a turtle loves a shoe


Animals attempting to ejaculate is really amusing to me, so long as it’s not happening above my face. Not sure if this tops the masturbating chihuahua, but this turtle attempting to fuck a shoe is pretty awesome.

I know I don’t say this often enough, but man turtle dicks look weird. It was like he was a cartoon character asking a question or something. That’s kind of depressing though. If you were a turtle being kept in a home and you weren’t neutered (I haven’t heard a lot about turtle neutering so I’m assuming it’s not possible though, granted, I don’t read about turtle genitals often enough outside of Ninja Turtles fanmade porn), you’d probably be really hard up for companionship. I’m not sure how that ends with you fucking a shoe, but I can definitely relate.

Honestly there are many times in my life where I’d have been much better off going home and fucking a shoe, then slowly rolling over and going to sleep like this little guy. Shoes don’t get pregnant. I hope. Though that would be a convenient way to get out of buying more shoes. Hmm.

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Oct.16.2008 The 11 dumbest things cartoons have taught us


Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.

Swimming in a pool of gold coins

Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he’d dive into his money pit and splash around. He’d even take coins into his mouth and spit them back up. Take a look:

You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly…that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jello.

Abandoning your children

Look at that photo of Dora the Explorer above…you know what you see up there other than Dora? A ball, a drum, a baseball bat, even a freaking monkey. You know what you don’t see? PARENTAL SUPERVISION. And this is what happens:

As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap…go explore!” How the fuck do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.

Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious

The Ninja Turtles would always be eating pizza, which is bad enough for you healthwise. But then they’d throw stuff like peanut butter, taco meat, butter, baby seal, I dunno….human brains maybe…on there. You know what’s good on pizza? Like maybe 10 things on Earth. Pizza places aren’t terrified of change or something, there’s just stuff that goes well on pizza and stuff that doesn’t. Unfortunately, your car keys weren’t meant to go with sauce and mozzarella, Ninja Turtles. And yes, I’m looking at you McDonald’s pizza.

The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them in the clip above. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated 4 minutes ago?

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Sep.23.2008 9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products


Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying”.

TOYS

WWF Thumb Wrestlers

What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:

At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.

Spider-Man Web Shooters

One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.

You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).

BOARD GAMES

The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch the Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.

Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.

Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.

So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.

FOOD AND SNACKS

Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies


Image: X-Entertainment

I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.

Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.

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Sep.23.2008 The September 23 Hot Link Orgy


The hottest orgy with gymnastics


Today’s sign your set manager might hate your acrobatics act.

-Nicole Scherzinger is so hot. Seriously.
-Beach balls make everything more fun
-Jessica Alba has an awesome bikini body for a new mom
-Girls in bikinis play Tetris. Oddly mesmerizing (w/ video)
-The 10 hottest girls in sports movies (w/ well-done pic usage)

-Women are still awful drivers (w/ video)
-Sexual harass the right way, with this boob squeeze mousepad
-Myspace whore Crystal sure likes to get drunk and hook up with girls for cameras
-These Idaho University cheerleader uniforms were too sexy to keep wearing, apparently
-Jenny McCarthy’s sister Amy is hot too

-Mario should have never met the Ninja Turtles (awesome pic)
-12 sweet things to say to your girlfriend (note: saying these to your girlfriend may get you punched vigorously)
-Philly sports fans are whores (w/ video)
-Tricia Helfer is a sexy Canadian on Burn Notice
-Pamela Anderson is good at picking boyfriends

Sep.05.2008 The 9 most eerily cultlike kids shows


These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.

Fraggle Rock
Aired: HBO, 1983-87
Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda

The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo. He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into “dream sharing” together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep). And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the “out there” Fraggle. In this clip, he’s daring to fly.

Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional. So dismissive they are. Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that’s a sacrifice you can afford to make.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996
Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them

A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives). Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.

Donatello could have been a great scientist. Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President. Raphael could have been a famous personality. Michaelangelo…was kind of a retard, but he’d have figured it out. They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O’Neil would through them a pity boning.

On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon. Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.

Power Rangers
Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again…1993-wow this thing is still going
Cult interests: Robots saying “ay yay yay”, bad voice dubbing

This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal. They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent. But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow. I mean look at Zordon, the floating talking head in question, in his glory in this oddly enrapturing clip below.

Look at him, all floaty. Dreamlike. Who wouldn’t be sucked into that? Plus I’d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you’re the black dude). Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and oversized monster, seems like a sweet deal. You have to wonder though what the Rangers’ Angel Grove was like before all this. Were the monsters just integrated in society? What was Zordon up to? I’m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.

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