Mar.24.2009 Quote of the Day
A bachelorette party became either the worst or best one ever when two women were arrested after a police horse got hit by a 5-foot long novelty penis.
Wichita police arrested three people on Sunday in an incident that began when a man threw an inflatable penis at an officer’s horse.
Officers were patrolling the Old Town area on horseback at about 1:20 a.m. when they came across a large group of women in their early- to mid-20s who had been celebrating at a bachelorette party, police said.
Also in the group was a 24-year-old man, a brother to one of the women at the party. He was carrying a 5-foot-long inflatable penis, police said.
“While he was joking around with this toy, he launched this large toy toward one of our officers, who was on horseback,” police spokesman Gordon Bassham said.
The toy struck the officer’s horse, causing the horse to get spooked, he said.
[via (check the comments there for humorous additional punchlines)...thanks to anonymous tipster for the tip]
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Mar.23.2009 The classiest marriage ever in Kentucky
White Castles are known for their romantic mystique, so it’s no shocker that a couple getting married met there. The memory was so great that they opted to get married there. Class.
For one couple, it was a fairy tale wedding, castle and all, but it also included a side of burgers and fries.
Kurby and Krystal McDonald’s love story began behind the counter.
“I started working here and her mother was working here and she said, ‘my daughter’s going to start here soon.’ Is she single? ‘yeah,’” said Kurby.
Soon after they started dating, and now nearly a year later, family and friends came together at the White Castle in London for their wedding, slider cake and all.
Plus, it included all the food that comes with a white castle wedding.
“It was awesome, we had burgers and chicken and fries and we eat until we just couldn’t eat no more, so we had a really good time and i think it went great,” said Harlen Lockhart, the groom’s brother-in-law.
You can view footage of the happy couple AND THEIR AWESOME BURGER-SHAPED WEDDING CAKE here (not embeddable…pricks).
I know it’s easy to joke about the couple here and call them rubes or white trash or put on overalls and say, “Hyuck I’m getting married at that thar White Castle’s!” while blowing into a moonshine jug to the tune of “Here Comes the Bride.” It’s very easy. But eh, fuck it, I like White Castle’s burgers and also like their “fuck you guys” attitude, so I approve for once. At the same time though, I never envisioned a White Castle’s being a place for love to bloom. The one near me growing up was filled with bulletproof glass because it got mugged so often and to say the characters there were “unsavory” would be an insult to the word. So while I wouldn’t go there for love, I could see myself going there for greasy hamburgers with a 70% chance of being shot through my heart by some guy named “Janky” while he robs the cashier and demands a sack of cheeseburgers all in one swoop. Which is pretty much equivalent to loving a woman from Kentucky, I’d say.
[source]
Mar.16.2009 Man threatens to kill wife due to Facebook
No, not because of Facebook’s odd new layout. A man’s wife contacted a boyfriend of 30 years ago and he responded by threatening to kill her. Which is a logical reaction.
A 55-year-old Silverdale man was booked into Kitsap County jail on suspicion of assaulting his wife of 28 years after she contacted an old boyfriend on Facebook.
The woman reported to Kitsap County sheriff’s deputies that she had connected over the Internet with a man she had dated 32 years ago. He now lives in the south, she said. The woman had told her husband about it and “he appeared OK” with it, the sheriff’s report said.
On Friday, she told deputies that her husband had become upset with the Facebook contact and demanded to know her password. Later that day, he called her 18 times at work, even though she told him to stop. Her told her to “tell everyone at work goodbye,” which she took as a death threat.
Facebook is weird. Whereas before, I could totally forget about an ex and never answer their texts or never see them, now some of them I have to see every single whim and status update and guy they’re drunkenly making out with. And then if I want to defriend them because I’m tired of seeing their stupid whore face, it’s like, “Oh you defriended me, this is the single biggest insult I’ve ever come across in my life.” So basically, to avoid societal awkwardness now, I have to maintain some faux relationship with someone whom, if they died in a fiery car crash, would probably leave me with a feeling of nothingness followed by a desire for a cheeseburger.
Anyway, it’s probably not okay if your chick contacts an ex on Facebook. Unless she does the Superpoke item of “Blow _____”. Then you might want to consider getting an ax, some bleach, a speedboat, and begin the healing process.
[source]
Mar.12.2009 Quote of the Day
The human slave trade is very popular so it should comes as no shock that a guy putting up an ad for his nagging wife (pictured here…she’s a real stunner) ended up getting a lot of interested responses. Unfortunately, he didn’t follow through. Quitter.
A BUILDER who put his nagging wife up for sale in a trade magazine was shocked when he had several offers for her.
After the latest blast from wife Donna while she was watching Dancing on Ice, Gary Bates, 38, from Gloucestershire placed the unusual advert in Trade-It.
Mr Bates, from Ebley, near Stroud, described his spouse as: “Nagging Wife. No Tax, Not MOT. Very high maintenance - some rust.”
His wife was put in the Free to Collect section of the magazine where he also advertised his fishing tackle.
He said: “I didn’t think anyone would ring up but I’ve had at least nine or 10 people calling about her.
“It’s gone mad. There was no-one I knew - just people asking, ’Is she still available?’
“She was nagging me for doing something small, while she was watching some rubbish on TV. So I just thought I’d put an ad in to get rid of her.”
[source]
Mar.10.2009 Kid faints at wedding, probably ruins it
Via Failblog comes this important video from a wedding which simultaneously illustrates the symbolic fragility of life while also featuring a kid falling down stairs. So it’s doubly good.
The best part of it all would be if this kid passing out somehow made them stop the wedding and sent the would-be-husband to reevaluate his life and realize that his little brother falling was an omen that she wasn’t the one for him. So then the would-be-wife goes on a mission to find the little boy and extract revenge. But then they fall in love even though he’s like 12 and only then does the would-be-husband realize that she was the one for him all along. So the 12 year-old shits on his bed. The end.
And this is why I didn’t become a screenwriter. Either that or because all of my scripts were manufactured by cutting words out of newspapers and pasting them onto paper.
Mar.06.2009 Quote of the Day
Generally speaking, getting arrested sucks. But it probably sucks more if it’s during your bachelor party after you just got back from Iraq. And it probably sucks even more if you’re a douchebag and make the cops hate you.
LIKE many a groom-to-be, army officer Nick Burnett found himself in handcuffs at the feet of a female police officer at the end of his buck’s day.
Except, she was real and the cuffs weren’t fluffy.
Burnett, back from serving a tour-of-duty in Iraq, where was commended for pulling a mate from a burning car, clashed with security guards and police after he was asked to leave Rosehill Racecourse.
Police facts state Burnett kicked a female police officer, resisted arrest and screamed that he was a soldier who fought for his country and they “had no right to treat him this way”.
“I killed 10 f. . .ing Taliban. I don’t have to put up with this s. . .,” he yelled.
[source]
Feb.26.2009 Quote of the Day
Wow. Sometimes the Jewish jokes just write themselves, don’t they? A 14 year-old girl got married to a 17 year-old boy, then got divorced. The reason why? See the bolded paragraph.
A 14-year-old Israeli girl has got a divorce from her 17-year-old husband, making her what media are describing as the country’s youngest divorcee.
The divorce came after a rabbinical court ruled that their wedding met the major requirements of Jewish law.
The two sweethearts had exchanged vows in front of friends, exchanged a ring, and the union had been consummated.
When her parents found out what had occurred, they insisted on a religious divorce, which she initially refused.
The girl is said to have initially refused her parents’ demand for the divorce, saying she wanted to live with the boy.
She said she wanted to marry him officially when she was old enough.
The Israeli press says she only changed her mind when the boy’s parents offered her money.
[via]
