Apr.03.2009 Mermaids
Via Explosm.net comes this tale of love with a mermaid.
Mermaids seem pretty good in theory. They’re often beautiful, busty, not wearing a whole lot of clothes. But then you get down to business and it’s like, “Oh, so, are you going to fertilize these eggs or what?” And I go, “Oh yeah baby, I’m gonna fertilize them nice and deep.” But then she actually points to a pile of caviar I apparently have to stick my dick into since that’s how they procreate. And as a man who’s fucked the finest caviars around the world, I can tell you that fucking caviar gets less and less exciting each time you do it. Sex with fish embryos…never quite what it’s cracked up to be.
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Apr.02.2009 In honor of Guiding Light’s cancellation
Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (which, really, you should be reading every day at this point) comes this take on soap operas.
When I wanted to become an actor, I remember being told that soap opera acting was pretty much the dregs of the community. But I don’t totally get why. Who wouldn’t want to have to pretend to be a normal human being in absurd situations, like finding out your mom was actually a velociraptor or opening your bedroom door to find your girlfriend has amnesia and thinks she’s married to a zombie? That’s pretty much Shakespearean, if Shakespeare were a room full of drunk monkeys with typewriters missing the “E” key.
Apr.01.2009 Freckles and sexiness
Via Digitalpimponline comes this comic about the correlation between freckles and sexiness.
I also like freckles in moderation. Not because they’re cute or anything, I just like having somewhere to aim my love juices. You can play “connect the dots” while playing “degrade the gingerish whore.” Two..two…two games in one!
Mar.31.2009 The life of a henchman
Via Penny Arcade comes this comic about the pitfalls of henchman duty.
I’ve always wondered what makes a henchman tick. Like they must be the ultimate team players. Or they must have awesome life insurance benefits. Either way, I think I’d like some henchman. What I lack in financial compensation, I more than make up for in difficult bossmanship borderline masquerading on abuse. Which is pretty good compensation. A cup of scalding coffee thrown at your head is worth about as much nowadays as any 401k.
Mar.30.2009 Cleaning up the boyfriend
Via CrookedGremlin comes this cautionary tale of what can happen if you try to clean up your boyfriend a bit too much.
It’s like I always tell my girlfriend: “Keep trying to change me, and I’ll end up getting sodomized.” I’m not sure exactly how that’ll happen when I take out the garbage or buy her an engagement ring, but rest assured, it’ll happen. Like a girthy homing missile attached to a man named Julian with frosted tips on his hair.
Mar.27.2009 Winning at a custody battle
Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about the difficulties in getting custody of your kids.
That’s like when my teacher was going to schedule a parent-teacher conference because I wasn’t doing well in science in 2nd grade. But I told her my dad might have problems coming because he’s always swigging whiskey and he has a problem where his pants fall down and he trips into me a lot. Anyway, long story short, foster families are not so bad.
Mar.26.2009 What if people were like cats
Dustinland, which I first saw not too long ago but seems to be funnier than most comics every day, brings this commentary on cats and what assholes they are.
I own a cat, which is good to me because I feel like by enslaving her, I’m oppressing at least one furry little fuckhead enough to do my part in keeping them from taking over. It’s amazing though if you think about it. In the last five or so years, there have been two things you can’t have helped but have seen thousands of times on the Internet and that is hardcore sex and cats being cute or ridiculous. Ideally, those twains shall never meet.
