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Feb.24.2009 Megan Fox is trying to be good for women


From a photoshoot for Elle magazine over the weekend…

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I like Megan Fox. A lot. But I don’t necessarily think she’s the best thing for Elle magazine. Elle is like for young women trying to be classy or not guttersluts and I’m pretty sure that Megan Fox doesn’t fit in either of those categories. Which isn’t a bad thing. Guys love chicks like Megan Fox. Normal women HATE women like Megan Fox. She’s hot and kind of trashy and not at all what a normal want-to-be-fancy-and-taken-on-dates-to-nice-restaurants-instead-of-fucked-in-an-alley-next-to-a-urinating-homeless-man woman would want to aspire to. So having Megan Fox featured in Elle magazine would be like having Ivanka Trump featured in Tattooed Cumdumpster Quarterly magazine…I’m just not sure you’re hitting the proper demographic. Though the article on how to use a blumpkin to get a free tattoo above your cooch is highly recommended.

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Feb.23.2009 Oh COME ON


From last night’s Academy Awards gala where all the big stars came out…

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Miley Cyrus was at the Oscars last night, which strikes me as kind of odd. It’s not like Miley Cyrus is part of some great fraternal order of dramatic actors and actresses who should come out to fellate the accomplishments of other actors and actresses. She plays a character who has the exact same first name that she has, which is about as much of a stretch as me playing the role of someone who comes home after a night at the bar and masturbates to photos of Rainbow Brite in precarious positions.

But back to the pressing issue of her unflinchingly awesome cleavage, Miley Cyrus is legal for adult fun time in the UK but not here, which makes these photos completely unfair. She’s basically walking entrapment. I’m pretty sure that if you just saw Miley Cyrus walking down the street, someone would hop out and ask you to take a seat while offering you nothing in exchange but cookies, a smarmy glare, and an extended stay in the part of prison where My Little Pony stickers count as contraband.

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Feb.20.2009 Kim Kardashian demands you know she works out


From some gym in LA…

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I like how Kim Kardashian just goes around getting photographed going to the gym because this way you know her workout plan doesn’t just consist of her getting $5 dollar footlongs both from Subway and from miscellaneous gentlemen of color. I also really respect her for wearing just spandex pants to the gym, because if there’s one thing you want to do when you have an ass the size of an oil tanker, it’s shove it into fabric as tight as a drum. Her ass looks like it’s pregnant. Which I’m pretty sure is not how babies are made. I learned this a long time ago. Like, easily last Tuesday.

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Feb.18.2009 Aubrey O’Day is a big fan of fashion


From the LuxuryFashion.com Faces of Fashion event at NYC’s Fashion Week.

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I’m in love with Aubrey O’Day, which is counterintuitive because I’ve now seen her naked. Usually after I’ve gotten to that point with a woman, I move on faster than Chris Brown after teaching his girlfriend a lesson, only with slightly less knuckle pain and without moonwalking my way down the street. But Aubrey O’Day is so generically hot and trashy and so proud of her whorishness (a Playboy “Miss March” necklace?) that it’s hard not to be fixated on her.

Also after seeing these photos, I thought it was pretty ironic that the event was called the Faces of Fashion because I literally had no clue she had a face. There could have been a talking mole or a Jason mask up there and I’d still be stuck thinking, “Heyyyyy nice boobs you got here” until like our third date (The Blowjob Date, as I like to call it).

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Feb.17.2009 Lindsay Lohan is the woman of my dreams


From some store opening in NYC over the weekend…

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People are saying that Lindsay Lohan looks scarily skinny. In fact, a reporter at this event (an opening of the Matthew Williamson store in NYC) asked if Lindsay was eating at all to which she replied, “I just ate a Big Mac yesterday.” So maybe we should stop worrying about how thin she is and start admiring the fact that her metabolism is faster than seven Kenyans pulled by a team of Clydesdales. Lindsay Lohan is the perfect woman, as defined by me when I was 7 years old. I remember it vividly. I was in my 2nd grade art class and our teacher said, “Draw your future husband or wife.” I chose wife instead of husband because at 7 I didn’t find cock to be particularly delicious. And the woman I drew looked vaguely like Lindsay Lohan above. It was a stick figure with breasts the size of her head. And it was the happiest I’ve ever been.

Anyway kudos to you Lindsay Lohan because you are what every woman should aspire to. Physically. Not emotionally. I’d rather have gophers burrow into my ear drum than listen to Lindsay Lohan wax philosophically about dumb shit like how pennies aren’t shiny and shoes can bring happiness to AIDS sufferers.

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Feb.12.2009 WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU ELMO


So I think we can all pretty much accept that Chris Brown beat Rihanna pretty bad and isn’t a good guy right? So what’s the most formerly-totally-okay Chris Brown clip that’s now awkward to watch? My money is on this whimsical duet with Elmo.

I’m trying to see if there’s anything else out there. But maybe you can find something better (ideally backstage footage of him beating Elmo violently and fucking his unconscious body but I’m willing to compromise). So let’s play a game of can you top this. If you can find a Chris Brown clip of him doing something that’s more uncomfortable than this as a result of his recent domestic violence allegations, leave it in the comments.

The winner gets the prize of not having Chris Brown kick down your door and assault you with a sledgehammer.

Feb.12.2009 The Jessica Simpson says “Moo”


From the announcement of nominees for the Annual Academy of Country Music Awards (also known as the Confederacy).

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Jessica Simpson was forced to appear in public to present the nominees and hiding behind the podium worked about as well for her as King Kong hiding behind the Empire State building. She looks really big and happy which is awesome for her but terrible for me because I’d like to fuck a fat Jessica Simpson about as much as I’d like to rub a cheese grater on my balls. I guess I’d still do her out of a sense of obligation to old Jessica Simpson, but fantasizing about her being an old version of herself while boning her would probably be the first time a man has fantasized about the woman he’s fucking while in the actual act. And it’d open up some sort of time travel portal or wormhole. Which would just be awkward because I’d get sucked through and then she’d just get stuck in the hole and I’d have to rub butter on her and she’d just keep licking it off while I get frustrated. God my fantasies suck.

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