Mar.20.2009 See, racism can be fun

The Ku Klux Klan wasn’t always relegated to the shadows and everyone living in Alabama as they are today. Take a look at this big KKK Day Out in Colorado in the 1920s.


This photo is amazing. Not because it’s so odd to see the KKK just hanging around whimsically without a burning cross or black guy with an “Oh shit” look on his face, but because that looks like the least fun ferris wheel ride ever. Though I wonder if there are many photos like this of KKK members doing really out-of-character things like jumping on trampolines or enjoying Eddie Murphy’s Raw (or, rather, enjoying it without muttering racial epithets after every chuckle).

I think this is also pretty enlightening as to why the KKK lost its power. You’ve got to stay hungry if you want to succeed. You don’t stay on top by getting fat off of carnivals and dunking booths with clowns in blackface and watergun games where you have to fill up a balloon by shooting the water into a black schoolchild attempting to go into a white school. You just don’t.


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Mar.20.2009 Quote of the Day

Since the news has basically given up on reporting actual news, they’re telling stories of assholes with squirrels in their attic. Like this asshole with a squirrel in his attic.

History will show it was the squirrel who started this war.

In an instinctive act of aggression, it occupied the territories known as the Jensens’ attic. The Greendale family had no choice but to fight back.

For weeks now the battle has raged, with each side advancing and retreating. Dave Jensen, the king of the castle under siege, has developed a healthy respect for the gray squirrel across enemy lines.

“Normally when you see a squirrel, it’s just a squirrel. But now it’s like I know him. He’s a very worthy adversary,” Dave said when I embedded with his forces this week.

Dave, who runs a marketing and communications firm when he’s not playing Bill Murray in “Caddyshack,” liberally applies pronouns to the squirrel. Sometimes he says him, sometimes her. Who can say for sure?


Mar.20.2009 The Worst Comedian Ever

I recently started doing stand-up (by recently I mean yesterday…I’ll keep you guys abreast when I get good enough to actually want you to come to a show) so I recognize how difficult it is to be a comedian. But check out this guy and his attempt at comedy. It’s so bad that it’s AMAZING.

He does all the things a comedian should do, with analogies and really visual things like “She bigger than my great grandmother” or “People eatin’ they banola bars!”…things the common man can really relate to. Also I hear that wearing a red beret is key, both for stand-up comedy and impersonating Idi Amin.

This is pretty much the saddest thing in American history though, so you owe it to yourself to watch and pay tribute. There should be a monument and a reflecting pool somewhere for this guy.


Mar.20.2009 The March 20 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy with pranks

Here’s how to booby trap a water bottle…in case you really want to be an asshole to someone but don’t want to put in a lot of effort

-This is what happens when your mom enters a Spring Break contest (funny vid)
-Barack Obama’s apparance on the Tonight Show in case you didn’t see (vid)
-Probably not the best thing to lose at your work place, then send an email about (funny pic)
-10 out-of-office replies to spice up your dull existence
-There are now robots that can recreate zoo animals’ existences
-This drunk guy has the worst idea ever and gets his ass kicked for it (vid)
-The elusive female guido is TERRIFYING (funny pic)
-The 50 gayest songs ever…which do you own?
-The top 10 best places to meet new women

-Megan Fox’s very existence continues to be sexy
-Monica Frutuoso is a Brazilian Playmate with awesome tanlines
-65 photos of smoking hot Cosplay girls
-Myspace slut Erin is curvy, brags about her love of penis
-Does Hilary Duff look good in these booty shorts or not? I can’t tell
-Emily Scott is one of NextRound’s fave women…with good reason
-Pornstars say such silly things
-UCLA’s Undie Run now includes hot college coeds boxing
-69 pictures of girls MAKING OUT! YEAH!

Mar.20.2009 Stephen Colbert and RNC head Michael Steele’s rap off

I accidentally kept spelling the headline for this as “Rape Off,” which would have also been awesome but slightly more awkward to watch. The set-up is that Stephen Colbert challenged Michael Steele to a freestyle rap-off, Steele agreed and then…nothing. I expect more street cred from my Republican National Committee chairs.

I think it’s a great idea for the RNC to shift up their image, so it’s kind of a bummer that Steele won’t actually follow through on his agreement to go on the show and compete. I’m tired of seeing generic white guys always being the powerful Republican. It’s so cliche. So unless we’ve got a fuckload of black paint and a wealth of time and willing participants, we need to get some actual black people in there. I’m thinking 50 Cent would be a good new spokesman for the RNC. He’s got more money than 90% of them, I’m sure he hates the ridiculous amount of taxes government takes from the wealthy, and he’s been shot nine times. I don’t know about you, but if he were to tell me that the TARP plan was full of pork, I’d be like, “Yes sir!” and just hope he doesn’t rape me. Which is pretty much how every interaction I have with black people goes. Which makes my interviews with the New York Knicks often less substantive than I’d like.


Mar.20.2009 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are hard to make

Via Explosm comes this comic about the real life results of trying to make my childhood heroes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.


As I said above, I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid but I’m not entirely sure why. I mean according to most studies, kids are heavily influenced by the toys they play with, be it boys with GI Joes or girls with Barbies and they all really make these unrealistic body images so that’s damaging to kids. I loved fucking MUTANT TURTLES who were completely jacked and excelled at karate…you can’t really get much more of an unrealistic body image than that. But you don’t see me rolling around in nuclear waste hoping to mutate do you? No. I only do that when I want to falsely collect worker’s compensation insurance. Eat it, science.

Mar.20.2009 Facebook stalking is out of control

Facebook is probably the most popular thing to ever exist in the history of anything, quickly becoming like The Grid in which every single person must be on it or not actually count as a human being in modern society. So of course, stalkers have found their way to the medium. Anyway I don’t have a good transition, but I found this video on the subject to be pretty funny.

Facebook is weird to me. Like I can post photos of myself doing something really mundane for me like saving a bus full of burning children or eating a cheeseburger and ONE THOUSAND people will see that. Think about that. ONE THOUSAND. That’s amazingly powerful. I could jerk off in the middle of Times Square while doing a headstand and giving everyone tips on how to solve all of the problems of the economy and one thousand people wouldn’t see that. And I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take my economic policies seriously.

[thanks to Pol for the tip]

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