Sep.22.2008 More disgusting food: Meet diabetes, in shake form!

This is no beef sundae, but it will do. Now, I enjoy a good shake as much as the next person, but check out the specs of this new Heath shake at Baskin Robbins. Kind of frightening.

Image: Newstarget.com

Last time I checked, an adult male should consume 2,500 calories a day, and this shake nearly meets that requirement! The saturated fat present in that shake is over 3 times the RDA of 20 grams, which will put you on the fast track for heart disease. Of course, that’s if the Type 2 diabetes caused by all 266 grams of that sugar doesn’t get you first.

Now, I’m not familiar with how a restaurant makes its food available to the public (I assume it has something to do with fairies and the power of positive thinking) but shouldn’t someone, somewhere put the kibosh on this? Yes, America’s fat. Yes, sweets are delicious. But if you need to eat half a pound of sugar (actual amount in there), you would be better off legitimately eating half a pound of sugar. Hell, snort it and it’d probably be just as good for you.

In fact, maybe I should start a diet where you just snort sugar. Or, even better, cocaine. Amy Winehouse has never looked thinner. And we can call it Chris’s Crazy Cocaine Diet, with a picture on the front of the box with me dressed in a chef’s hat with a lush mustache saying “The party never has to stop, and neither does your health!” Oh the things I’d do with a marketing budget.

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May.29.2008 Wow, Kirk Douglas. Wow.

Kirk Douglas likes to give back to the community. Take a look at this photo from a recent playground donation.

The photo caption:

Actor Kirk Douglas tries-out a playground slide at Lillian Elementary School in Los Angeles Wednesday, May 28, 2008, after he and his wife donated their 400th playground renovation to schools in the Los Angeles Unified School District. The 91-year-old Douglas and his wife Anne have donated a renovation a week over an 11-year period beginning in 1997. The couple provides a grant of $25,000 per playground, with the school’s parents or supporters matching the amount in money or services.

But that just seems shortsighted. Marketers, take heed, you now have an image to use for an exciting new campaign. In fact, if you have any product marketed towards seniors, feel free to steal this:

Slide into Senility!

You’re welcome. Royalty checks should be made out to Chris Is Awesome, Incorporated. We also do covers for porn films. It’s all about diverse offerings.