Dec.04.2008 Heidi Montag is in Mexico again

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back in Mexico where they got fake married and I’m posting it because she’s in a bikini and I <3 Heidi Montag's big fake breasts.

I will never understand the hatred people have for Heidi Montag. Yeah she’s a publicity whore and she’s not very talented and she hasn’t really done anything to deserve the modicum of fame she has, but I’d still leave some modi-cum on her huge breasts and dammit that has to count for something in this crazy work-a-day world.

It’s also pretty awesome how she’s done so much with so little. Covers of magazines, countless articles about her, fashion lines and CDs (forget that these failed…hard), it’s all really impressive. It just goes to prove my theory that if you’re a woman willing to get implants and make an ass of yourself publicly, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be famous. In fact, most women should probably just quit their office jobs and dreams of making a difference in the world and just learn to shake their asses for paparazzi and blow the editors of celebrity weekly magazines (or handsome bloggers with a penchant for posting news items solely because they have a girl in a bikini). All this rah rah feminism stuff is pretty tiring, isn’t it ladies? Food for thought (that you can’t eat lest you no longer be physically attractive and thus culturally irrelevant again).

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Nov.04.2008 New lingerie has GPS in it, makes women all feministy

A new line of lingerie with GPS tracking capabilities has ladies all in a tizzy because women get all emotional when they have their periods. Or because it’s an invasion of privacy. Either/or.

Feminists around the world have reacted with horror to a new line of lingerie that comes equipped with a GPS tracking system.

The ‘find me if you can’ range of underwear has been described as a modern-day, high-tech chastity belt.

‘It is outrageous to think that men can buy this, programme it and give it to their partners and then monitor them,’ said Claudia Burghart, leader of a Berlin feminist group.

‘It is nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.’

Sure, it’s an invasion of privacy. But you know what’s more of an invasion of privacy? The alternative, in which I shove a Lojack device in your vag. Yeah, not such a bad idea now, is it?

And what does the tracking help anyway? Yes, you’ll see your chick on a map, but who gives a shit? It’s not like you can look at the map and see “Cowboy Joe’s Big Black Dick House of Adultery” as the location where she’s at.

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Aug.27.2008 Reminder: Reporters are all whores

This is old but I just saw it on Reddit and it’s hilarious, so why not…Some reporter for the FOX affiliate in NYC was reporting from Randall’s Island (a wacky island off of Manhattan with mini golf and an asylum) and she got a dollar bill shoved down her shirt.

As unfair is it is for women to be all treated like strippers and prostitutes, it’s pretty hilarious to see a professional woman treated like a stripper and a prostitute. Alls I’m saying is that if you don’t to get dollar bills shoved down your bra, maybe you need to not give people lap dances right before going on camera.

In related news, I’m not opposed to receiving dollar bills down the front of my pants. Just saying. I’m new media, I have no dignity.

Aug.25.2008 School says cheerleading uniforms okay, just not in school

You know how cheerleaders are always wearing their sexy cheerleader outfits while doing cheerleader-related things? Not in the Monroe, Ohio school district.

At most schools there were pep rallies Friday ahead of the big games, complete with players in their jerseys and cheerleaders in their uniforms.

But at Monroe, the outfits that are fine for the field don’t fly in the classroom.

While the cheerleaders were showing off their uniforms Friday night, they were not dressed that way earlier in the day at school.

Many wore long shorts and T-shirts, and then put their uniforms on over the top during their pep rally.

“You want to have students wear appropriate clothing during the educational period of the day, and then after school, wear the appropriate clothing for the event,” [Superintendent Elizabeth Lolli] said.

Wow what a stunner that a woman Superintendent would want to keep the nubile young cheerleaders in long shorts and t-shirts for as long as possible. I could see it being logical if you said they had to adapt the uniforms or something, but you can see the girls like that a day later. It’s not like they’re a part of some amateur stripping team or something (unfortunately).

On the plus side, erections during school hours have dropped a reported 563% according to statistics I just made up. When they get rid of Miss Hargrove’s pencil skirts, there will hardly be an engorged set of genitals to be found in the city.

Aug.14.2008 Kentucky college girl wears dress too short, gets kicked out of mall

I don’t know what America’s turning into these days. Check out the story of Kymberly Clem, a college student forced out of a Richmond mall for wearing a dress that was “too short”. Sorry for the crappy image but it’s hard to find anything better.

A Kentucky college student has hired a lawyer after she was escorted out of a mall by security on Sunday because her dress was deemed too short, MyFOXBoston reports.

Kymberly Clem, a 20-year-old student at Eastern Kentucky University, wore the dress Sunday after purchasing it from the mall in Richmond the previous day, the Richmond Register reported Tuesday. After just a few minutes inside of the mall, a security guard approached her and expressed concerns over the length of the garment.

According to MyFOXBoston, the guard informed her that several female patrons had complained that she was disrupting their shopping experience because their husbands were “checking her out.”

“He made me turn all the way around while he stared me up and down,” she told the Register “The only thing he said was that other people didn’t like the way I looked, so he wanted me to leave.”

Clem’s sister Kendra told the Register that while the dress was short, it was not exposing any of her “private body parts.”

Granted I’m a big proponent of women’s rights and that makes me more inclined to take the side of the nubile college student over the angry henpecking women who complained about her dress because their husbands can’t stand looking at their butterball bodies any more and because every woman over 45 who isn’t at least a .6 on the MILFmometer should probably be shot and killed or taken to an internment camp, but this is just ridiculous. As is the fact that a grown woman used the phrase “private body parts”. We need to encourage our young women, not tear them down. They’re already getting all uppity with their rights to vote and whatever, let’s not give them reason to start wearing more clothes too. Otherwise we’re just going to be a less fun (read: no public stonings) version of the Middle East.

Because I like smart girls, check out this clip of the intelligent and beautiful Kymberly (when you have two Ys in your first name, you’re guaranteed to churn out pure genius) talking about the situation.