Dec.02.2008 Fuck this kid and his dating book
Having problems picking up women? Well fortunately, some little fucking kid is getting attention for some retarded fucking book he wrote about how to pick up women. Ugh.
He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.
So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, “How to Talk to Girls” - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.
“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.
“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”
But with classic plain-spoken advice - like “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats” - it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.
He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple “hi.”
“If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start,” he said.
In his book, published by HarperCollins, he suggests holding off on falling in love until at least middle school.
Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for “kind of old” people, who are 15 or 16.
I get that it’s fucking adorable that a 9 year-old boy is giving an “outsider’s perspective” on dating through the naive eyes of a child, but holy fucking shit is this the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. You know what this is? The kind of shit that women read about and go, “Oh how adorable!” and then they tell their stupid friends and then maybe some female editor reads the book and goes “Oh that is so adorable, we can totally publish this and promote it!” Then this little fucker gets on Ellen DeGeneres’s TV show and whatever other “legitimate media” outlets because he’s nine years old and instead of killing squirrels or rolling around in dirt or whatever the fuck kids do, he wrote a 40 page book which probably has pictures of stick figures and poorly constructed sentences. If it were up to this kid, I’d be dating ugly women who are poorly colored in crayon with tails and shit.
You want to know how to pick up women? Treat them slightly shittily but with a smile on your face so they know it’s a joke. Also be handsome. Ta da. There’s the secret. Seriously the only time you should take advice from a 9 year-old boy is when he’s telling you that he won’t get in your van for anything less than a Snickers and even then, that’s not really advice, that’s just sound negotiation tactics.
Seriously can someone offer me a freaking book deal already before I end up punching a 9 year-old? Or every 9 year-old as some sort of comeuppance for this atrocity? I’m pretty flexible with how I extract my revenge.
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Nov.25.2008 Kid in wheelchair does backflip (video)
It’s Thanksgiving time and that means there’s nothing worth writing about going on, really. But fortunately there are brave media outlets like the Telegraph in the UK soldiering on, finding worthless news and writing about it. In this case, it’s a kid doing a backflip in a wheelchair, the first recorded instance.
Sixteen-year-old Aaron Fotheringham - known as ‘Wheels’ - got official recognition last month, even though he has been doing them for two years.
He takes his specially made wheelchair on to skate ramps in Las Vegas, where he has become a something of a celebrity in the skate scene.
He said: “It feels awesome to have the record.”
Aaron invented a sport that he calls “hardcore sitting” - using a wheelchair to perform moves more often seen done on skateboards or BMX bikes.
He has been doing stunts since the age of nine when his elder brother Brian took him to their local skate park. Brian encouraged him to go down a ramp and the obsession was born.
Now Aaron gets flown all over the world to perform stunts and spends at least three hours a day practising. He has become a role model to many young people who use wheelchairs.
On the plus side, that’s pretty amazing and it really shows a lot of courage and dedication. Honestly, the kid is inspirational and I truly believe it’s awesome that someone dealt a shitty hand in life is doing what they can with it.
On the down side, his legs and genitals might as well be made out of leprechauns or genies because they’d be just as functional if they didn’t exist. They’re useless, just dangling there. You might as well just tie spaghetti to your waist and call it a day.
(seriously though, the kid is kind of awesome and worthy of praise)
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Apr.15.2008 Paris Hilton is sorry she said Kim Kardashian’s ass is vile
Paris Hilton said Kim Kardashian’s ass is gross then apologized. This is very important news.
Paris Hilton has apologized to Kim Kardashian after insulting her former best friend’s most famous asset. “I would not want [Kim's butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”
However, after a portion of the Kim-bashing interview was posted on perezhilton.com, a devastated Paris realized she went too far.
“I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke,” Paris tells In Touch exclusively. “I felt really bad afterward, so I contacted Kim and apologized. It was a silly thing to say. Kim’s hot!”
Kim accepts the apology, telling In Touch, “Paris and I have been friends since we were kids and I’m glad she made the effort to say she’s sorry.”
Well, it’s completely true that Kim’s ass is ridiculous. Some would say couchlike. And by some, I mean me. It’s just kind of huge and unwieldy. I imagine that turning around quickly would often comically knock over everything behind you. After a lifetime of that, I imagine it becomes less comically befuddled and more obnoxious. Like stop breaking my lamps all the time with your Mario Mushroom Kingdom ass.
Then again, Paris Hilton probably couldn’t talk since her cooch is so big you can literally wear her as a Girl Hat. Ooh…that sounds like a viable product! It’d be totally warm AND snug! PATENT PENDING.
Mar.12.2008 Great ways to get your face bit the fuck off
There are many places I wouldn’t put my face: A bear trap, a pie filled with poison (WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A DELICIOUSLY CONFUSING TREAT), a bee hive, a bed of needles, Tara Reid’s crotch. Well, you can add “Staring contest with a polar bear” to that list too.
I get it. Flocke the Polar Bear is adorable. I’ve covered her before. Twice! But seriously, I do not want to put my face right next to hers. That’s counterintuitive to anything I’ve ever learned. Primarily that wild animals, no matter how adorable, will absolutely fuck my shit up if I invade their personal space. It’s totally the opposite of little kids on a playground.
Also it kind of looks like they’re going to make out. If I wanted to mess up my face and smell trout, I’d probably go back on my promise to not put my face in Tara Reid’s crotch.
