May.14.2008 The Pope wants to fuck ET
The Catholic church is known for all kinds of crazy things. Well, even ideas that aren’t that crazy, I’m going to present as such. For example: The Vatican says there might be aliens.
Believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God, the Vatican’s chief astronomer said in an interview published Tuesday.
The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.
“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ’sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”
In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.
I guess it makes sense. This would open up many creative possibilities for the Catholic church. They have a relatively weak presence in certain less-civilized regions so, finally, a priest could fuck an ET and pretend it’s an Ethiopian boy. Everyone wins!
Xenu will not be pleased by the Catholics honing in on his turf. Would you cross a super badass extraterrestrial dictator who banished people to Earth? I sure wouldn’t. He’d probably hold his ray gun to your head and demand all kinds of favors. Earthly and galactic delights (i.e. space sodomy)? Now there’s a religious figure I can get behind.
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Mar.26.2008 Katie Holmes is a wreck
Katie Holmes apparently is collapsing and such and this is very important news because she’s been in a couple movies and TV shows and currently pretends to accept Tom Cruise’s semen.
When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.’s Joan’s on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. “She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door,” says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV.
Dizzy spells like this have become a frighteningly common occurrence for Katie over the past few weeks. As one source explains to Star, Katie has been suffering from splitting headaches that make her see black spots and feel faint. Another problem? Her weight. Although she’s already rail thin, she feels pressure to be even slimmer and is obsessive about dieting.
Katie may never admit it, but sources say her superstar husband may be contributing to the debilitating headaches. His high energy is often hard to keep up with — and that, paired with her intense need to live up to his expectations, is really taking its toll, both mentally and physically.
“Katie doesn’t get enough sleep — and hasn’t for months now,” says one insider. “She’s tired and drained much of the day because Tom is so wired, and they stay awake until after midnight. He has boundless energy, and she just can’t compete.”
To complicate matters even further, while Tom goes off for days at a time (”His rule is ‘You can be with me, but don’t ask about it,’” says a source), Katie is overseeing the interior design of their lavish $35 million Beverly Hills mansion. “To him, the home is a status symbol,” says a source, “so it’s on Katie’s shoulders to pull off something beyond magnificent, something Tom can brag about. She’s giving herself headaches thinking about it and making herself sick.”
Tom Cruise is a shady guy. He’s acting like he’s Pacino in The Godfather with his “don’t ask me about my business,” but in reality, he’s just getting pumped full of thetans by whatever big black E-meter he can get his hands on. Then he gets a hot load of Xenu on his face and does his big stupid Tom Cruise smile and then presumably licks it off because you totally can’t waste such creamy goodness.
It does sound kind of shitty though. She’s probably just drugged up all the time just trying to doze herself out of the reality of the situation. If I had to do that and then raise my alien baby and make sure Tom has like fancy chandeliers, I’d probably be passing out on the street too.
Or maybe she just has the flu and was sick. Whatever. Fuck her, she’s not me.
