Oct.30.2008 The October 30 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with bikefail
Pro Tip: When pulling a bike trick, don’t try to break your fall with your face
-Jessica Canzales is gorgeous and classily naked in fuck-me boots (SFW)
-Hot Asian chick alert
-Phillies fan gets a vodka bottle to the head (video)
-Karolina Kurkova has a thing for thongs
-The best and worst of drunk John Daly
-Let’s be honest…can guys and girls really be friends?
-Mary-Kate and Ashley look kind of cute
-Karla Alvarez is spicy Latina
-The WWE girls put on one hell of a Halloween costume contest
-Some of the hottest chicks to ever be in horror movies
-Celebrities implore you not to vote: Part 2
-Zombie “babes” terrorize the streets of NYC
-Check out pics and vote for who’s the sexiest political party
-Natalia Bush is a sexy ballerina
-Ever wanted to pee in George W. Bush’s mouth? This toilet is what dreams are made of
-Slutty Halloween costumes!
-Roxanne McKee must be cold without her shirt
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Sep.23.2008 9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products
Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying”.
TOYS
WWF Thumb Wrestlers
What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:
At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.
Spider-Man Web Shooters
One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.
You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).
BOARD GAMES
The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame
Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch the Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.
Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.
Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.
So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.
FOOD AND SNACKS
Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies
Image: X-Entertainment
I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.
Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.
Sep.19.2008 The September 19 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with dumpster diving
Some kid slips and falls into a dumpster. Not to be confused with a cum dumpster i.e. your mom.
-Michelle Moya has that busty Hawaiian look that I really enjoy
-10 end zone celebrations that’d be awesome to see
-Barack Obama’s email was hacked (but not really, photoshop Phun)
-Skater breaks his wrist (w/ video)
-7 WWE ways to make the Ryder Cup more awesome
-Brazilian TV has a bikini babe food fight (w/ video)
-College freshmen make lots of mistakes
-An insider’s guide to betting on NFL games this weekend
-Auburn University is full of vaginas (both literally and figuratively)
-Genevieve Chappel is ESPN’s hottest MILF
-10 cheerleaders gone bad
-Mila Kunis has mesmerizing legs
-Karina Jelinek, boobs
-Charlize Theron enjoys frolicking on the beach
Aug.28.2008 The 14 most WTF pictures from the 2008 Democratic National Convention
Tonight is the last night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention and, while I’m sure Barack Obama’s speech will be a treat, it should be status quo. Call me crazy, I think he might discuss “change”. All the exciting things are over, so let’s take a look at the most bizarre photos from the convention.
This may very well be the worst parade ever. And vaguely similar to Borat’s Running of the Jew.
As Obama Girl and this older MILF-Y lady prove, what would Colorado be without its beautiful mountains?
Hmm, who should I side with: the petite little Asian gal with all the fame or the crazy conspiracy theorist ordering an assault on her with the windswept good looks of Kevin James in a toupee?
Yeah…so…I’m going to have to go with bombs. Thanks.
This one may not be as WTF as the others but seriously…Chelsea Clinton looked kind of hot. And maybe she’ll end up looking like a pants-suited penguin like her mom in a couple years but, come on, very hittable.
I dream of a day where we will have bipartisan processed foods. Cross the aisle, Kraft. CROSS THE AISLE.
Aug.25.2008 The August 25 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a shot to the throat
This intelligent young man took a shot to the back of his throat with a paintball gun. Kids these days are so smart
-Giada DeLaurentiis cooks for the Food Network, has mesmerizing cleavage (w/ video)
-A bikini moment with Ali Larter
-Fox brings Human Tetris to America (w/ video)
-A Mexican restaurant will help you learn about prostitution
-Andy Roddick and the Undertaker are finally fighting (w/ video)
-Hayden Panettiere wears thongs, accidentally exposes them
-Mr. Met intimidates the fuck out of a Yankees fan (w/ video)
-Jeff Garcia’s Playboy Playmate wife is quite attractive
-Nina Moric has a very small bikini
-Your college football fan to-do list
-A final look at your Olympic cheerleaders
-What will Jennie Finch do now that she’s an Olympic loser?
Jun.24.2008 Houston reporters think wrestling is real
People often like to mock Southerners but, well, it’s pretty well-deserved. Some Houston station is reporting that WWE Chairman Vince McMahon was hurt last night on RAW. See the clip below and make your own call. Hint: IT’S NOT REAL YOU FUCKING DOLTS.
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon was injured in a freak accident in San Antonio Monday night.
Just moments after giving away $500,000 in “McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania,” McMahon was crushed by a large electric sign that fell from the AT&T Center.
The extent of his injuries was unclear, but he was rushed to the hospital.
WrestleMania officials planned to update fans on McMahon’s condition at a press conference in Houston Tuesday.
WWE stars were scheduled to be on hand at the Toyota Center before filming SmackDown and ECW at the arena.
You know when sets collapse, I’d like to think that they actually, you know, hit the person they’re collapsing on. Granted, Vince McMahon has had a bad run of luck this past year…his limo was blown up last June….oh, until that whole messy (literally and figuratively) Chris Benoit double-murder thing happened. Then he was ok. Whew, good thing these real life situations are so reversible!
Fun Chris Fact: I try not to divulge personal work stuff here, but it’s totally relevant so whatever. I worked for WWE’s PR department last year during the time Vince’s limo blew up. I will preface this by saying that I greatly enjoyed my time at WWE and was treated extremely well. It was an awesome experience and made me even better at what I do. But holy shit that was fucking ridiculous. I had to pretend TO LEGITIMATE MEDIA that Vince McMahon has actually been blown up in a limo accident. Actually, no, I couldn’t say “Vince McMahon”. I had to say “MR. MCMAHON” (because that’s the character). I remember talking to a producer at Extra about it and he was like, “Funny stunt after that ending of The Sopranos, eh?” And I replied, in a complete stoic delivery, “Funny? Sir, this is tragic.” Granted, as you know by now, I relish in being a douchebag, but as a PR person, I’m pretty good. So I felt annoyed and sad that day. Not to mention that I received calls from legitimate newspapers (granted, most were small town), asking if Vince was okay. Seriously people? Seriously?
Anyway yeah, sure hope Vince is okay. Stupid media.
RELATED GREATNESS
-Hulk Hogan likes to oil up his daughter’s ass a bit too much
-Louise Glover might be the sexiest WWE Diva of all time
-Pro Tip: Leave the WWE stunts to the professionals, not guys in a backyard with a trampoline (w/ video)
-Which WWE Diva looks best sans clothing (NWS)?
-WWE Diva Kelly Kelly is kind of awesome in every way.
-Hillary and Obama know how to cater to WWE fans
Jun.20.2008 The June 20 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy to make me want to murder my host
–Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby daddy knows how to lay pipe.
–WWE girls look good in bikinis.
–The Celtics’ Glen Davis is shirtless and ample breasted.
–The life and times of Uncle Joey from Full House.
–What celebrity ho’s pool would you break into?
ED NOTE: As said above, my host Gate.com (more like GAYte.com amirite) has been fucking KILLING me lately, so I’m going to try to switch servers today. Though real life will be bogging me down as well. So whatever, bear with me kids. I’m always a bumpy ride.
