Nov.07.2008 Quote of the Day

The Stick was inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame today. Yes. A stick. I’d rather play with chlamydia.

“It’s very open-ended, all-natural, the perfect price — there aren’t any rules or instructions for its use,” said Christopher Bensch, the museum’s curator of collections. “It can be a Wild West horse, a medieval knight’s sword, a boat on a stream or a slingshot with a rubber band. … No snowman is complete without a couple of stick arms, and every campfire needs a stick for toasting marshmallows.

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Nov.06.2008 Today is National “Men Make Dinner” Day

Oh boy oh boy we’re turning our patriarchal society on its head because today is National “Men Make Dinner” Day.

Ok, now since you’ve continued reading, we assume that you are a man who NEVER cooks. And that you fit the profile of the ‘men’ who have inspired this once-a-year occasion.
The ideal participant in ‘National Men Make Dinner Day’ is the man who:
helps with household chores
has a sense of humour and is a great all-around guy
loves his wife/girlfriend, kids and pets
…BUT NEVER LEARNED HOW TO COOK, and is somewhat afraid of the idea.

Officially celebrated on the FIRST THURSDAY OF EVERY NOVEMBER, ‘National Men Make Dinner Day’ is for you!!

One guaranteed meal cooked by the man of the house one day of the year!

Today also happens to be my lovely girlfriend’s birthday, so apparently this day should henceforth be christened “Give Chris a Lot of Crap to Do” Day. Though, in fairness, I wouldn’t subject her to putting anything I produce into her mouth. Anything that doesn’t rhyme with “toad of rum”, that is.

Anyway this day seems like a great idea until you think about the fact that any man dumb enough to take part is probably an awful cook. I’d say odds are pretty likely that his day can quickly become “Throw A Steaming Hot Pot of Burned Chicken Cacciatore at Your Horrified Wife Then Take Her to the Hospital and Pretend She Just Slipped in the Kitchen While the Doctor Looks on with Disbelieving Eyes” Day.

Mar.26.2008 Obama and Brad Pitt are practically brothers

Well I guess Barack Obama is already a brother but still. Some genealogy researchers have found odd familial ties for the Presidential candidates.

This could make for one odd family reunion: Barack Obama is a distant cousin of actor Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt’s girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society found some remarkable family connections for the three presidential candidates — Democratic rivals Obama and Clinton, and Republican John McCain.

Clinton, who is of French-Canadian descent on her mother’s side, is also a distant cousin of singers Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette. Obama, the son of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Kenya, can call six U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, his cousins. McCain is a sixth cousin of first lady Laura Bush.

“You’d think with all that singing talent in the family she’d be able to carry a tune,” Clinton’s senior adviser Philippe Reines said. “But now it makes much more sense how she snagged a Grammy.”

This is kind of stupid. Yeah we’re all from the same like two or three people, who exchanged jizms and sweet I love yous and awkward cumshots and perhaps condom breakage and an attempted purchase of Plan B pills but the Duane Reade down the block didn’t carry it and then you tried to find it but they were out all over town and you’re like, “Oh fuck,” so then you tell her you love her but say you’re not ready to have a kid so you talk her into getting an abortion and there’s a couple weeks to think about it and she decides she’s going to keep the baby but is afraid to tell you so she pretend she was getting the abortion but she didn’t get it, she didn’t get it at all and then ten months later you see her pushing around a baby in the supermarket and you’re like “You lying whore” and then realize your child is related to Barack Obama. It happens all the time.