Sep.12.2008 The September 12 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy with Shamu

How to successfully make an ass out of yourself at Sea World

-An awesome collection of innuendo-filled signs
-Brazilian booty dancing (w/ a very important video for very important people)
-Gemma Atkinson’s boobs are indeed in your face
-The definitive 25 sexiest sportscasters
-Peyton Manning is a king of comedy

-This monkey is amazing with kung fu (w/ funny video)
-Heidi Klum is pretty in red lipstick
-Gina Gershon as bikini-wearing, gun-toting Sarah Palin is pretty awesome (w/ video)
-The ASP World Tour has some of the hottest women around in surfing

-Follow-up from my post this morning…So is Jessica Simpson fat or pregnant?
-It’s a Friday Poon Hunt
-Ohio State has a quad full of sexy girls in bikinis
-This is officially a fuckload of Big Macs

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Aug.11.2008 Eva Longoria and Hayden Panettiere went out

These photos are from something called the “Whaleman Foundation Benefit Dinner,” an event seemingly named for helping whales but it could also be named for Eva Longoria’s expanding waistline. Why do women always have to try to be so coy when they’re pregnant, like I’m not going to be able to tell or something. Even if I’m not totally sure, you’re still taking a trip to ol’ Doc Marten just to be safe, so you might as well just come clean. It’s better for everyone involved.

Jun.04.2008 The sexiest bikini photos you’ll ever see

From a beach. A sexy beach.

Good God is that hot. Sure, Queen Latifah is a bit thicker than the ANOREXIC girls you see everywhere, like the streets or the “Before” photos of a Jenny Craig ad, but free your mind. And the rest will follow. Presumably follow her to a Popeye’s or, more likely, a plankton feast. But you know it’s love when she leaps above you, flying over the wall you’re stationed by in the middle of the ocean. Sure, it may be a little slimy. But what love isn’t?

PS I really hope people who have my site feed saw this, clicked on it, and were immediately extremely disappointed. That’s what you get for trusting me!

[Thievery of The Superficial. Go there for even more unadulterated sex on the beach.]

Mar.13.2008 Whales are such douchebags

I’m going to be honest, I don’t feel like putting in a lot of “effort” into writing today. And what do bloggers do when they’re lazy and disdainful of the fact that they churn out so much content daily? A silly video! Ho ho Shamu really treats his trainer like a bitch in this clip.

I’ve always kind of hated whales since the whole Free Willy thing. It’s like who gives a shit if a whale is free or not? They just hang around and eat fish and have a stupid hole on the top of their head. That’s a necessary part of the world? I swear if I see a whale I will punch him right in his stupid face. What’s he going to do about it? Nothing. Because I can go on land and he can’t. Though if he figures out how to do that…I guess I’m probably pretty fucked.

Then again, it’s a pretty extravagant way to go out. I can think of worse ways to die than pissing off a whale so much that it gains the ability to travel on land, stalks me and kills me. It’s probably better than my current reality of knee deep in blood and semen with a half-eaten grilled cheese in my hand. Sigh. Oh Future Chris. You’re incorrigible.