Jun.30.2009 The worst best man speech?
I’m going to recommend you take a moment or two out of your day to go and watch the worst best man speeches ever over at Asylum. Because this gem you’ll see below is undeniably epic.
It’s easy to say that’s the worst speech by a best man ever. But knowing how fucked up the world is, there has to be much worse. Like a best man revealing like a Bond villain, that he’s actually the father of the bride’s unborn child. Or that he actually created the groom in a laboratory in a quest to make the perfect man whose genitalia will fall off the moment he finds himself legally married. Even if it weren’t true, that’d probably be enough to give me pause. Uncomfortable silence is one thing, adjusting my perception of reality in an M. Night Shyamalan poorly-written twist is something entirely different.
On that note, I’m out of here for a couple days. Not to get married, thank God (my girlfriend is clearly not old enough for that. Not emotionally, but legally), but to move to Brooklyn and probably drive myself to near-suicide in the process. I’ll be back next Monday. And while I’m yammering about myself, reminders: Join the Facebook page for my stand-up comedy career (especially if you’re in New York, but even if you’re not, support me you fucks) and check out my side project Maybe You Shouldn’t Buy That, especially if you’re a book publisher with money burning a hole in your pocket. Daddy needs a new pair of needles for intravenous drug use!
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Jun.30.2009 Fireworks safety is important
I guess technically this isn’t irony, but there’s something very fitting about a reporter doing a story on fireworks safety and accidentally shooting her cameraman in the face.
I’m kind of surprised there isn’t more innovation in the field of fireworks though. I mean it’s pretty much been the same fundamental “Shoot colorful shit in the air, probably injure some redneck’s eye” for the same shit for 100 years hasn’t it? There’s been more innovation in the field of talking greeting cards than there have been in fireworks, and that’s sad.
Maybe I’m just too passionate about fireworks. I like fireworks a lot. They’re very loud and colorful, mindless fun. Though oddly, that’s the same reason I hate the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Well that and the rape.
Jun.30.2009 The June 30 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with alarms
This is probably the world’s most elaborate alarm clock, excellent for waking heavy sleepers and/or the dead.
funnyinteresting
-What celebrity vaginas probably taste like
-The coolest man alive (funny pic)
-Weird shit is going down at the protests of KFC
-This is too funny for me to spoil with an adequate set-up
-15 animals armed with lightsabers
-iPhone apps that guys may actually need
-The funniest worthless Internet ranting you’ll see
-Best sex offender name ever (funny pic)
-Top 10 celebrity death conspiracies
-How to fish like a MAN
-This might be the worst job ever (funny pic)
-A collection of the best nude scenes of all time
girls
-A+ application of sideboob
-Busty amateur blonde girl with a hula hoop is an excellent usage of my time
-Jessiqa Pace is so hot that a billboard of her had to be taken down for distracting racecar drivers
-Former college softball player Jessica Cruz looks better without a softball uniform on
-I would not at all be opposed to a Blake Lively sex tape
-Aria Giovanni is highly fuckable
-The top supermodels of the 90s is a worthwhile look back
-Check out the ass on Tori Black (NSFW)
-Mariah Carey dressing like a man probably shouldn’t give you an erection, but is noteworthy
-Who knows what Ciara’s done lately, but here’s her nipples
Jun.30.2009 Ted Danson is smooooooth
Picking up ladies is an art form…you can’t go out there all willy nilly with real emotions or thoughts because they will EAT YOU ALIVE. Fortunately, Ted Danson can help with some sexy pick-up lines to get you sexy ladies.
Pretty stirring stuff. Sure, you can question how effective these lines would be coming out of your mouth, but hey, it got Ted Danson into the much coveted pantaloons of Whoopi Goldberg so they can’t be all bad. Talk about one sexy little tigress. MeOW.
I’ll tip you off to one of my favorite lines. It’s a line of function and form, designed to bring the ladies to their knees. They’re looking at you with a real hunger in their eyes, desperately in need of their fix. So you go, “Hey baby…I got what you need.” So she comes home with you and then she seems like she’s waiting for something. She reaches for your jeans pocket and you tell her, “No no no. You get the antidote after.” That’s when the lovin’ begins.
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Jun.29.2009 The June 29 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with drunk girls
This drunk chick fell like Peter in Family Guy
funnyinteresting
-Hardees will not be defeated by Burger King’s sexual innuendos
-What girls don’t want to see you in at the beach
-3D Porn
-What it’s like to be a mail-order bride
-Mugshot of the week
-2009 Dyke Marches…not the lesbians you’ve dreamed of (funny pics)
-42 unfortunately product labels
-The 10 worst infomercials ever
-Virtual girlfriend: Just as good as a real one
girls
-Excellent usage of a string bikini (kinda NSFW)
-College girls dressed like sluts and acting like sluts…probably nice girls
-Raquel Alessi: Busty, flexible
-Fergie is not wearing sexy panties
-I approve of this sorority advertisement (kinda NSFW)
-NBA draftee Wayne Ellington has a girlfriend whose bustiness needs to be seen
-The lesser Kardashian sisters wear bikinis together
-10 female child stars who grew up to be hot…it’s like pedophilia but not!
-Krisztina Sereny, minus one fur coat (NSFW)
Jun.29.2009 Dogs have very specific tastes
It’s entirely too early for me to exist today let alone use any effort and this video is trending on YouTube right now despite being quite old so, hey, two great tastes. What happens when a dog has an unhealthy appetite for vaginas? Skip to 1:30 in.
You might think this is bad, but I think it’s a step forward for dogs. They bite penises all the time, plus they’re always shoving phallic objects like sausages in their mouths. That unhealthy obsession with men is either a gay thing or a completely sexist view towards women. Bitches are all about gender equality and respect, so we should view this vagina biting with the same reverence as women view things like Rosie the Riveter or Lilith Fair or that one episode of Sex and the City where Sarah Jessica Parker is all like, “Hey men, I am SO putting you in your place!”
Jun.26.2009 The June 26 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with hoops
Some guy hitting trick shots is basically a white guy’s Slam Dunk contest
funnyinteresting
-Transformers sucks
-Here’s why your alcoholism is a-okay
-Top 10 reasons to hate hipsters
-DOLPHIN RAPE!!! (funny pic)
-The 20 best beards in film
-The 10 ugliest teachers who fuck kids
-The 15 greatest quotes about drinking
-The 50 funniest street signs of all time
-The Barnes and Noble kids section is perverse (funny pic)
-This is why the new Star Wars movies suck (funny pic)
-Some Michael Jackson memorabilia for you, if you’re into such things
-In your face, women (funny pic)
girls
-This photo, while sexy, probably shouldn’t be on your Facebook
-Which celeb chicks legitimately look good in Daisy Dukes?
-More from the Hooters bikini car wash team
-Booty shorts + Wii = win
-Epic cameltoe
-<3 wet t-shirts and ample boobs (NSFW)
-Bahara Golestani is amazingly curvaceous and worth checking out
-Debra Jo Fondren is a Playmate with her ass in the air (NSFW)
