Oct.24.2008 Most desperate woman ever looking to buy a Super Bowl ad to find a man
Alternate title: This bitch really needs some dick. A bit blunt? Perhaps…but aspiring to take out a personal ad at the Super Bowl (valued at $3 million) warrants such pleasant attention.
A Manhattan lonely heart wants to buy a $3 million Super Bowl ad so she can advertise her availability to millions of potential husbands nationwide.
Amy Borkowsky - who gives her age as somewhere between Carrie and Samantha - is confident she’ll up her odds of marriage if she markets herself to an audience of captive, guacamole-gutted football fans.
“Dating is a numbers game,” she said. “I need to reach a large pool of guys.”
To that end, she has created a Web site, SuperBowlSingleGirl.com, to raise money to reach her multimillion-dollar goal to buy a 30-second shot at love.
So far, she has bagged about a grand, mostly from $10 and $25 donations.
Borkowsky has already brainstormed ideas for a TV spot. She might write a jingle, feature testimonials from ex-lovers or even do side-by-side comparisons of her and other single gals.
It’s a complete and utter publicity stunt (going through her site yields incessant mentions of her undoubtedly funny stand-up and the names of her comedy CDs. Yes I’m sure you’d find a lot of jokes about how tough it is to be a single gal, how men don’t appreciate a good lady, how you too can smash your face against a toaster and still work your way into the public eye, etc.) But let’s say, for her sake, that she’s legitimately hoping this works and wants to succeed and not just doing it to desperately cling for attention. Maybe she could ask for $3.3 million to get a little work done before making the ad. Or maybe she can just really fix herself and invest all that money into making her look slightly less like Baraka from Mortal Kombat.
I would rather let an Italian monkey on a 1920s street corner insert my penis into one of those grinder jukeboxes than I would give it into her. I’d also probably rather date the monkey. At least he wouldn’t always be talking about how hard it is to find a good Jewish man and he’d probably be throwing slightly less feces at me.
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Mar.19.2008 Sarah Jessica Parker hates your honesty
Sarah Jessica Parker was named the Unsexiest Woman in the World by Maxim a couple months back. Well now, she’s taking the time to be mad about it.
Sarah Jessica Parker says that both she and her husband, Matthew Broderick, were equally upset when they learned that Maxim had voted the Sex & The City star the “unsexiest woman in the world.”
“It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger,” SJP, 43, told Grazia magazine. “It upset him [Matthew], because it has to do with his judgment too.”
The men’s mag, which voted her No. 1 over runners-up Amy Winehouse, Grey’s Anatomy’s Sandra Oh, Madonna and Britney Spears, likened the golden advertising goddess to a horse.
“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men’s magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking… It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do? I guess you can’t please all people.”
“Do I look like a horse? Absolutely.”
In the interest of fairness, she’s probably not really the Unsexiest Woman in the World. There are women who have like flippers for hands and shit and if they were to touch you, you would instantaneously vomit on your shoes (or stomach depending upon your level of fitness, I suppose). But as far as celebrities go, she kind of looks like something my cat would vomit up after a passionate night of crotch licking. And that’s not what I want from my celebrity women. I want to escape in their beauty. Not get a reminder of how unfair life is because one of the preeminent females responsible for shaping a generation of women looks like she was crafted out of a witch’s rotting corpse mixed with a healthy dose of HGH.
