Dec.02.2008 Quote of the Day
As a Quote of the Day, this is a little weak but I wanted to get this in because it’s the most amazing thing ever in addition to something I am ABSOLUTELY going to do this holiday season…you can make your own Muppet at the FAO Schwartz in NYC! A Chris Muppet! Finally!!!
On Friday, Gabriella Cila, 11, of Chapel Hill, N.C., was assembling a female Muppet with an orange body, long blond hair, and a psychedelic ’60s-style outfit. She hesitated on the eyes. “I don’t know if I like those, because they don’t have have eyelids,” she said, pointing at one set. “And those are too wide,” she said, pointing at another.
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Oct.10.2008 The 7 most delightfully perverse toy commercials
As a child, there’s so much that goes over your head. For example, look at these seven commercials that you might not think much of as a kid that now seem a little, shall we say, off.
Mr. Bucket has a love-hate relationship with your balls
I don’t really get how this game would be fun in any situation (here, put these balls in a bucket…HAHA IT FELL OUT, what fun!) but Mr. Bucket makes it seem captivating. And vaguely like a dog in a bathtub.
It’s so whimsical the way he requests balls being put in any open orifice. Singing and dancing around, just begging for you to toss them inside of him. It’s like hanging out with the male members of the cast of Rent at their show afterparties.
The Hulkamania Workout Set will make you get sweaty and shirtless with grown men
Hulkamania was a big thing for kids in the 80s. Hulk Hogan taught life lessons, won championships, did copious amounts of steroids…so of course the then-WWF wanted to pass his ideologies onto kids. Through the Hulkamania Workout Set (in a commercial that, oddly, didn’t feature Hulk Hogan, but rather his archnemesis, Paul Orndorff).
I can only imagine this boy’s father coming in to the room at the end of the commercial…
“Son, why is there a giant hole in the wall? And a shirtless man? And why are you also shirtless? Oh you’re just working out…whew! Welp, back to the living room, where I drink copiously and ignore any loud noises. Parenting is hard!”
The Baby Wee-Wee loves indecent exposure
There have been a ton of dolls that pee. I guess that’s fine enough because kids like dolls that excrete things like urine or vomit or blood or chocolate sauce for whatever reason. But this commercial just leaves no mystery to how things work.
So if you’ve ever wanted to see a child doll’s penis leaking fake urine, congratulations! You can now cross that off your Mr. Bucket list. I don’t know why it’s so cute when a doll does it though. Every time I pull down my pants in front of grade schoolers it’s a “problem” and “arrest” and often “prison sentence” followed by a “Megan’s Law”. These injustices will not be forgotten.
Sep.23.2008 9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products
Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying”.
TOYS
WWF Thumb Wrestlers
What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:
At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.
Spider-Man Web Shooters
One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.
You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).
BOARD GAMES
The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame
Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch the Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.
Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.
Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.
So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.
FOOD AND SNACKS
Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies
Image: X-Entertainment
I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.
Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.
Aug.18.2008 The August 18 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with dogs on your crotch
This dog is a far better wingman than you. When you do this, it’s much less cute.
-Man gets ear chewed off after dispute at minor league baseball game
-An Oakland Raiders cheerleader got caught with her top off (NSFW thumbs)
-All the Nastia Liukin ass you need
-Trampoline gymnastics aren’t too safe (w/ video)
-Some extremely inappropriate children’s toys
-Pole dancing lesson catfight (w/ video)
-Autumn Reeser has awesome fashion sense
-Hamburger that looks like a Nike shoe seems delicious, athletic
-WWE Diva Torrie Wilson can be bought for your personal amusement for $7000
-Two girls = twice the fun
-Former NBA player Shawn Kemp is going to Italy
-11 Olympic performances that are as good as Michael Phelps
Jul.17.2008 The July 17 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with creative usage of LOLcats
-College sports applications of LOLcats amuse me
-“I don’t sell pot, I sell dreams”
-Chubby guy on a mountain bike doesn’t get physics (w/ video)
-Bud Bundy continues to pull way more tail than you
-The toy your legless child needs
-Kenny Chesney: Sissying it up (w/ video)
-Inguna Butane has the worst name ever for such a hot girl
-Celebrity animals have such awful names (you thought I forgot you, didn’t you FLOCKE!??!)
-Miami Dolphins QB Josh McCown and WWE wrestler Hacksaw Jim Duggan have much to discuss
-Have stupid license plate, go directly to jail
Jul.11.2008 Geez, people really don’t like Elmo, huh?
A coworker sent me to this awesome old post on Gizmodo about the new Elmo toy hitting the market, so of course, I thought “Wow, that’d make for an interesting blog post.” Unfortunately, Gawker’s blogs don’t let you embed their videos, so I went on YouTube to see if there were any other copies. Alas, there were none. But I found these perturbing videos of people lighting Elmo on fire and blowing him up.
Elmo coming after me laughing while ablaze will haunt my dreams for weeks. Who will stop this menace?
Oh, apparently these guys will. Repeatedly. And with special effects. I guess if you’re going to stop Elmo, that’s how to do it with style. But Elmos need love too:
Oh Elmo. This world was not made for you. I guess you can’t spell Elmo without “emo”.
