Dec.04.2008 The most amazing homeless man ever
I tend to not like the homeless. They smell, get in the way, and don’t offer me money for being awesome like other people do (in fact, they have the audacity to ask me for money! The audacity!). But even I have to admit that homeless man Michael Malloy is pretty great.
From his (completely sourced and actually credible) Wiki:
The events that led to Malloy’s death began in January 1933. He was, at the time, alcoholic and homeless. Five men who were acquainted with him, Tony Marino, Joseph Murphy, Francis Pasqua, Hershey Green, and Daniel Kriesberg (later dubbed “the Murder Trust” by the headlines), plotted to take out three life insurance policies on Malloy, and then get him to drink himself to death. The first part of the plot was successful (probably achieved with the aid of a corrupt insurance agent), and they stood to gain over $3,500 (almost $57,000 by 2008’s standards by the CPI) if Malloy died an accidental death.
Marino owned a speakeasy, and gave Malloy unlimited credit, thinking it would soon put an end to him. Although Malloy drank for a majority of his waking day, which would kill an average man, it did not. To remedy this, Antifreeze, a deadly poison, was substituted for liquor, but still Malloy would drink until he passed out, wake up, and come back for more. Antifreeze was substituted with turpentine, followed by horse liniment, and finally mixed in rat poison. Still, Malloy lived. The gang began to get creative, thinking raw oysters soaked in wood alcohol would do the trick (this idea apparently came from Pasqua, who saw a man die after eating oysters with whiskey, which was probably an anomaly). Then came a sandwich of spoiled sardines, carpet tacks, and metal shavings.
Realizing it was unlikely that anything Malloy ingested was going to kill him, the Murder Trust decided to freeze him to death. On a night when temperatures reached -14 degrees Fahrenheit (-26 °C), Malloy drank until he passed out, was carried to a park, dumped in the snow, and had five gallons (19 L) of water poured on his bare chest. (The gang had successfully used a similar method on their first victim the previous year.) Nevertheless, Malloy reappeared the following day for his drink. The next attempt on his life came when they hit him with Green’s taxi, moving at 45 miles per hour (72 km/h). This put Malloy in the hospital for three weeks. The gang presumed he was dead, but were unable to collect the policy on him. When he again appeared at the bar, they finally decided to take an even more direct approach. On February 22, after he passed out for the night, they took him to Murphy’s room, put a hose in his mouth that was connected to the gas jet, and turned it on. This finally killed Michael Malloy.
He was pronounced dead of pneumonia, and quickly buried. However, the members of the Murder Trust proved to be their own worst enemies — they talked too much and squabbled among themselves. Eventually police heard the rumors of what they did, and upon learning that a Michael Malloy had died that night, they had the body exhumed. When they discovered the actual cause of death, the five men were put on trial for murder. Green went to prison and the other four members were executed in the electric chair at Sing Sing.
I admire this homeless guy for apparently having a stomach with the steeliness of a safe at Fort Knox but I have to confess that I’m a bit confused by the guys who killing him all getting death sentences. I mean, it’s a homeless guy. I always assumed that killing the homeless was at most a misdemeanor. Who would even notice? Their bindle? Bindles can’t talk, man.
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Dec.01.2008 There are no words for this kids’ show/Lil Jon remix
Sometimes you just need to applaud the people with a mind that functions a little differently. For example, you might see the Nickelodeon show LazyTown and see just a dull Norwegian show about some slut in training living with puppets and baking mediocre foods while singing. But some genius out there saw that and said, “No! I want more!”
There are very few times in which I won’t condone puppet bukkake. It’s just such a wonderful way to break up the monotony of cake baking. Really, jerking off on anything is a fine way to make things more exciting. For example, jerk off on your roommate’s door knob the next time he leaves the house but don’t tell him. He’ll be in for a real treat when he takes a whiff. But if he licks his fingers, then you’ll know you should probably be careful when sauntering around in a towel and bending over to pick up objects seductively.
Nov.25.2008 Flying cars!
It may have taken a while but dammit, we’re going to get our flying cars! Check out the Moller M400 Skycar aircraft, with a maximum speed of 360 mph.
YES! Soon I will be flying my way to work, leisurely soaring above the world while drunk off of the magic of aviation. Also, rum and cokes. But while this flying car is awesome, more importantly, it’ll open a window to get all kinds of exciting new technologies that we’ve been promised for so long. Teleporters that won’t merge my DNA with a fly’s! Treadmills in the clouds that I can get stuck in, rolling around indefinitely until my wife Jane can stop it! ROBOT WIVES!
I’ve known love, friends. From real women, dolls, chimpanzees with lustful eyes. But no sensation will compare to the joy of inserting my genitals into a vagina fashioned out of a bladeless garbage disposal. Dare to dream.
Nov.19.2008 Bears are taking over the world
America is falling apart right now with a shitty economy, civil unrest, and new episodes of Two and a Half Men. So what could be the final sign of our personal apocalypse? Bears are getting much smarter.
I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Ever since I read my first Berenstain Bears book I was like, “Oh fuck, they’ve gained autonomy.” Who knows what else they’re planning? I’m guessing raping and pillaging can’t be too far away. And trust me when I say that bears are not gentle lovers. My trip across Europe with Paddington taught me a lot. Including that there was nothing but pain hidden beneath his little blue jacket.
Nov.14.2008 This reporter “can’t hear shit”
Reporters cursing happens a lot. It’s kind of overkill at this point. But what makes this clip special is the absolute horror coming from the faces of the anchor when the reporter on site claims that she “can’t hear shit”.
It’s tough. She’s just a reporter trying to make it in this crazy work-a-day world but she can’t hear anything. How can you report when you can’t hear? She’s the victim in all of this. With her dirty little mouth. Yeah, you’re a dirty girl spicy Latina reporter. You just love to curse and report the news. Yeahhhhh use that as a microphone. Mmm, now talk into it. Tell me the winning lotto numbers…17…3…5…OHHHHHHH.
Aaaand we’re done.
[clip via our friend Jimmy Traina at the awesome SI.com's Hot Clicks]
Nov.12.2008 Man breaks a fuckload of cement blocks
Okay so I just saw this on one of our lovely advertisers (G4TV’s new show Human Wrecking Ball, whose ad you can see below) and thought “Holy shit that’s fucking cool”. See, I do believe in the crap sponsoring me. Check out this video of the show.
Tell me that isn’t the most badass thing you’ve seen since you saw me fucking that army of terrorist supermodels into surrender. What can I say, I do what I can for my country, that’s just what a hero does. And what I am. A hero.
Anyway check out their site for more videos (or, if the ad is showing view it there…a man’s gotta eat yo).
Nov.10.2008 Indian reality shows seem like fun
I came across this video today and, man, is it a gem. Check out this Indian fellow reacting to a woman slapping him in a completely cool and calm demeanor i.e. slapping her even harder and then yelling “HOW CAN SHE SLAP?” over and over again.
The clip is real and from a show called Dodogiri, an Indian Fear Factor of sorts (which I presume means them thinking about a world without taxis or one in which you’re asked not to smell like stale curry). I am pleased though that they weren’t happy with the guy for slapping the woman in her face. If this same incident happened in Iran, the guy would be named Prime Minister and they’d throw leis around his neck while playing the Iranian version of Hail to the Chief.
