Dec.02.2008 Fuck this kid and his dating book
Having problems picking up women? Well fortunately, some little fucking kid is getting attention for some retarded fucking book he wrote about how to pick up women. Ugh.
He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.
So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, “How to Talk to Girls” - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.
“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.
“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”
But with classic plain-spoken advice - like “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats” - it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.
He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple “hi.”
“If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start,” he said.
In his book, published by HarperCollins, he suggests holding off on falling in love until at least middle school.
Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for “kind of old” people, who are 15 or 16.
I get that it’s fucking adorable that a 9 year-old boy is giving an “outsider’s perspective” on dating through the naive eyes of a child, but holy fucking shit is this the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. You know what this is? The kind of shit that women read about and go, “Oh how adorable!” and then they tell their stupid friends and then maybe some female editor reads the book and goes “Oh that is so adorable, we can totally publish this and promote it!” Then this little fucker gets on Ellen DeGeneres’s TV show and whatever other “legitimate media” outlets because he’s nine years old and instead of killing squirrels or rolling around in dirt or whatever the fuck kids do, he wrote a 40 page book which probably has pictures of stick figures and poorly constructed sentences. If it were up to this kid, I’d be dating ugly women who are poorly colored in crayon with tails and shit.
You want to know how to pick up women? Treat them slightly shittily but with a smile on your face so they know it’s a joke. Also be handsome. Ta da. There’s the secret. Seriously the only time you should take advice from a 9 year-old boy is when he’s telling you that he won’t get in your van for anything less than a Snickers and even then, that’s not really advice, that’s just sound negotiation tactics.
Seriously can someone offer me a freaking book deal already before I end up punching a 9 year-old? Or every 9 year-old as some sort of comeuppance for this atrocity? I’m pretty flexible with how I extract my revenge.
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Jul.07.2008 John McCain hates me and you. Especially you.
Some video from last December resurfaced recently, featured this morning on BuzzFeed, in which John McCain says he “hates the bloggers”.
Well that’s disconcerting. If I’m considering voting for someone, I’d prefer that they not be predisposed to hating me before even getting to know me. Women already do that. And yes, while making the chloroformings more satisfying, the overall idea of it makes me kind of sad. I expect it from them because they have vaginas, which makes them automatically predisposed for silliness. But not from my senile presidential candidates. Sniff.
Oh…you say he was probably referring to “serious” bloggers, eh? I can be serious. Remember that time I uncovered Watergate? That Woodward cocksucker is always stealing my material.
Jun.26.2008 The Supreme Court loves child rape
Planning to rape a child sometime soon? Great news! You’re not going to get killed by the government for it!
Angry politicians vowed to keep writing laws that condemn child rapists to death, despite a Supreme Court decision saying such punishment is unconstitutional.
“Anybody in the country who cares about children should be outraged that we have a Supreme Court that would issue a decision like this,” said Alabama Attorney General Troy King, a Republican. The justices, he said, are “creating a situation where the country is a less safe place to grow up.”
The court’s 5-4 decision Wednesday derailed the efforts of nearly a dozen states supporting the right to kill those convicted of raping a child — and said execution was confined to attacks that take a life and to other crimes including treason and espionage.
In his majority opinion, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote “the death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child,” despite the horrendous nature of the crime.
Republican Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal called the ruling “incredibly absurd,” “a clear abuse of judicial authority” and said officials will “evaluate ways to amend our statute to maintain death as a penalty for this horrific crime.”
Yeah, it’s true, that is unconstitutional. You know what else is unconstitutional? Being a 6 year-old getting deep-dicked by a 45 year-old with a wispy mustache. At the very least, the child should be able to shoot them. I say, let’s get started on vigilante justice at a younger age. How else will the kids learn?
