Nov.17.2008 How to win at Internet dating

Women are always talking about how they love honesty and whatever, so this rejected application from eHarmony just seems unfair.

Even though it’s probably a bit inappropriate, I don’t know that it warrants an application rejection. What if I want a woman who enjoys my edgy sense of humor? Why does every answer have to be about taking the woman on unicorn rides through meadows while I let her pick out my shoes and dance around with elves and shit? What if I want to attract a woman who would appreciate the insertion of my genitals into her genitals? It’s like when Match.com reported my application for listing my interests as “Ether-soaked rags, Drinks with pills coyly slipped in, Movies, and Rectal bleeding”. Yeah, that might not have been “politically correct”, but I just want to find a woman who likes me for me, you know?

Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.

Nov.12.2008 This is the worst business offer I’ve ever received

I get a lot of shitty emails of stuff from this site. I like getting emails offering partnerships and ads and whatever, those are awesome. What I don’t like…business opportunities based around fat people copulating.

Hello webmaster,

This is Michael from Largefriends.com. I wonder if you are interested in running your own BBW=big beautiful woman dating site or work-at-home business. We would like to work with you setting up Dating Site for plus-size Singles.

We can set it up for you at no cost if you have strong interest in this field or work-at-home business. You can pick the name for your own BBW (big beautiful women) dating site, own the domain and brand. We take care of all the backend and engineering work. Also customer service work,

You don’t have to worry that no one exists at your BBW dating site at the beginning. Your site will share hundreds of thousands of profiles with other BBW sites we have already set up. Your users can immediately contact hundreds of thousands of other deaf users once they register at your BBW dating site.

You can earn money if you can get users registering at your dating site.
It is easy to get users visiting your BBW dating site by doing the followings:

1. Invite friends, friends of your friends to visit it;
2. Write blogs on popular sites promoting it;
3. Create friend circle on some social networking sites to get to know more friends.;
4. Use business card, fly sheet to promote it when joining social activities;

…
For more details, please email me at largefriendsmarketing@gmail.com or go to the below information link:
http://www.largefriends.com/private_label

If you are interested, please let me know.

Thank you for your consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely
Michael
marketing manager
http://www.largefriends.com

I’m hard pressed to top the level of absurdity emanating from this proposal, but I can try. There is absolutely no situation in which I want to assist in helping the obese procreate. And while I think the site name “Large Friends” is fairly adorable and sounds vaguely like a kids’ cartoon about a hippo and a giraffe beginning a lifelong friendship based around wacky antics and a love of leaves, I would never want to attach my personal brand to such an endeavor. And what self-respecting pig would go on a site promoting themselves to either chubby chasers or equally gaseous individuals?

Put it this way: I’d rather “invest” in a new business venture that involves a 24/7 camera watching me masturbate until my penis turns into a lifeless shred of chewed up pork than spend my days wondering if one Beluga whale can distance himself from the vat of onion rings long enough to fingerfuck some other Beluga whale.

Oct.13.2008 Pedobear is the greatest thing on the Internet ever

I’m pretty up on the Internet meme of the moment generally speaking but, somehow, the phenomena of Pedobear had escaped me. Fortunately, with a little bit of effort and research, I present to you, the general public…Pedobear. In all his majesty.

Background: Pedobear began over at 4chan, which is basically the Internet meme’s big brainstorming session (see: I Can Has Cheezburger), around this time last year. On the most basic level, Pedobear is pedophilia manifested into a child-digestible, yet completely absurd, visage. There’s a whole subtext, I’m sure, attached to the idea of an adorable children’s toy committing complete atrocities of rape and molestation of children across the globe. People wearing ascots studying English across the globe could certainly dissect the symbolism and how Pedobear’s representation says something about a loss of innocence for young adults today typical of a society that simultaneously pays too much, and too little, attention to its youth. It’s also just funny to think about a cute cartoon teddy bear vigorously diddling unsuspecting minors. And it appeals to pedophile furries, a much neglected niche I’m sure. So it works on three levels.

I seriously can’t commend 4chan enough for this brilliance. Pedophilic behavior in the form of a character that could easily fit in on some generic Nickelodeon show about some neglected children having adventures that would absolutely kill them in real life. Eloquently executed. I applaud you, heroes of the Internet.

My favorite is the first one below (click through to see it animated), along with a bunch of others of the best around the Internet.

[For even more, check out Pedobear.org]

Oct.02.2008 Yahoo Answers tackles the Jonas Brothers

Yahoo Answers is really the heartbeat of America, asking all the hard-hitting questions you’ve been dying to know but afraid to ask. For example:

Just remember, if you have a 10 inch “thingee”, make sure to cover it in sugar before inserting it into Nick Jonas. I hear he loves that.

[Original Yahoo Answer here]

Sep.19.2008 Best. Spam. Ever.

I get a lot of shitty emails on this site but this one that I got in my spam box this morning tickled me immensely. The subject: “Agency for Human Trafficking Education”.

from Frank Lendon
reply-to franklendon@mail2consultant.com
to undisclosed-recipients
date Fri, Sep 19, 2008 at 4:08 AM
subject Agency for Human Trafficking Eradication

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Frank Lendon of the Agency for Human Trafficking Eradication, based in the UK.
Currently, I have just been granted funding by various organizations to help me in my endeavor of
freeing the Sex Slaves coming in from African countries to Europe, as my organization is set to
fight any form of Trafficking. But there are constrains hindering the funding getting to me.
Based on what some of the donors called money laundering indexes they would want me to have
accounts in their countries for fear of complicity in aiding terrorist. My financial advisor
therefore advised me to take agents in various countries that will be on commission of 10% for
collections of all donations.
I will be glad if you could work with me as my
Representative in your country. You will be working as my payment Assistant receiving the payments
from my donors Since they will be making the donation in checks made payable only to people in
their area you will be obtaining this payment and cashing them on my behalf. On agreement to been
my representative, you will receive a commission of 10% of whatever amount of payment you receive
from my these donors.
Receive payments from my donors through bank transfers into your bank account, in form of money
orders/checks from my
each donor via mail (UPS/FEDEX/DHL). Cash the payments at your Bank. Deduct 10%, which will be your
commission on payment processed. You are to remit the balance according to my in depth mandate. You
will be helping people as well as making a small fortune for your retirement. However, you have to
be:

i) 18 years and above.
ii) Legally capable.
iii) Responsible, Reliable and Trustworthy.
iv) Able to check and acknowledge to emails often.
v) Telephone access.
I hope all is well understood. I would be glad if you accept to help in this fight against this
malicious practice and fight against HIV and Aids.
Please send immediately the followings mailing address with zip code and telephone numbers to
franklendon@yahoo.co.uk
Regards,
Frank Lendon

So yeah, ignoring the scuzzinesss of using a serious global issue to try to get me to send you money in some Nigerian fund scam and ignoring the fact that clearly I would love to own slaves, sexual or otherwise (know your audience), this is probably my most favorite email that I’ve ever received. Perhaps even moreso than the Evite I got to the dicksucking contest. Ru Paul just isn’t the draw he once was.

Also, it’s worth noting that I get a couple dozen emails from publicists every day and use maybe one of their items a week. Meanwhile, I run an email from a human trafficking spammer verbatim. My priorities are in order.

Sep.17.2008 Brad Pitt is the king of invading your computer

Searching for Brad Pitt? Turns out that your lust for those eyes and abs might leave you more vulnerable to hackers.

Movie star Brad Pitt has shoved Paris Hilton off the top of a list neither will have coveted being on. A fan entering Pitt’s name in a search engine now has a startling one in five chance of finding a malware-hosting site instead, says McAfee.

Pitt is top of the fake Web site malware league, just ahead of a collection of pop and film stars that reads (in descending order) Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Heidi Montag, Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Cameron Diaz, George Clooney, and Angelina Jolie.

Hilton no longer even makes the fake Web top ten, but can perhaps take some solace from her continued popularity with spammers.

“Cybercriminals employ numerous methods, yet one of the simplest but most effective way is to trick consumers into infecting themselves by capitalizing on Americans’ interest in celebrity gossip,” commented McAfee’s Jeff Green. “Tapping into current events, pop culture or commonly browsed sites is an easy way to achieve this.”

Poor Brad Pitt. It’s unfair for a man who’s done so much good to be harmful to my cyber-well-being. He does such charitable things like making tons of money off of movies and having sex with Angelina Jolie. Who else would undertake such endeavors??

Also if you have sex with a man pretending to be Brad Pitt, you’re even more likely to get a virus. Including but not limited to HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, crabs, and gingivitis. The more you know.

Aug.28.2008 The August 28 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy with a big leap

I like when a video features someone succeeding…check out this leap of someone off a balcony into a pool

-Kate Moss is naked and kinda saucy (NSFW)
-The Repo Man loves America right now, so sayeth Stephen Colbert (w/ video)
-The signs in sports and the gentlemen who hold them
-A reminder of why Internet message boards can be problematic

-Lucy Pinder and Danielle Marsh are friends with boobs
-You don’t need to know Valerie’s last name to appreciate how a bikini can’t contain her assets
-Erin Andrews is a big fan of Cocks. The college football team. Also, male genitalia
-Awesome cars to tailgate with

-College girls in bikinis sure seem to enjoy their beer bongs
-Help pick the new Toronto Raptors cheerleaders
-Mother-daughter porn sounds like fun
-Advertising anal rape on a billboard seems a bit odd

Next Page »