Oct.16.2008 Audrina Patridge’s breasts make more in two weeks than you make in a year
Defamer unearthed the salaries of the Hills starlets and, apparently, they make a fuckload.
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 annually)
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 a year)
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 for The Hills Season 4)
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode ($152,000 for The Hills Season 4)
I’d be totally okay with this if $34,999 of Audrina’s paycheck were made out to “Audrina Patridge’s Breasts” and only $1 actually went to the name of Audrina. Because yeah, she’d still be able to cash the checks, but she’d have to remember each time who brought her to the dance. Until her breasts decide to renegotiate their contract and hold out. But then younger, newer breasts will come onto the scene and Audrina’s breasts will end up coming back at a reduced rate out of fear of losing the spotlight. The breasts’ ego is too strong.
Doesn’t it kind of sabotage the “reality” when the girls make that much? They should be living like real early 20s LA girls, blowing older men with money for extravagant gifts and then going back to mediocre, Ikea-decorated apartment in Koreatown. That’s what’s reality TV. And, sadly, that’s what’s reality for most of us. *single tear
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Sep.19.2008 Audrina, Lauren, and Lo are the bustiest movers ever
From Lauren Conrad’s home in the Hollywood Hills where (POSSIBLE HILLS SPOILER ALERT FOR ALL YOU GIRLS AND ‘MOS) Audrina Patridge is moving out of the house.
Thank God she remembered the piñata. There’s no worse feeling than packing up your entire life into a moving van and getting to your new place, bringing everything in, and realizing “HOLY SHIT I FORGOT MY PIÑATA!!!” You were my favorite purchase, Pepe. I’m sorry.
In related news, I would help Audrina pack my stuff into her box. By which I mean my penis. Into her vagina. Just so we’re on the same page. Also, my lava lamp.
My favorite photo is the first one. It’s like, “Well, we got this move done. Let’s celebrate with a sexy pose. Breasts out girls!”
Sep.18.2008 Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt go visit sick kids
From the Children’s Hospital of Orange County…
So when you’re a sick teenage boy and you hear that Heidi Montag is coming to visit you in the hospital I bet your first reaction is like “Niiiiiice!” Sure, you’re not going to get to have sex with her or anything but maybe she’ll give you a boob touch, best case scenario. Then she comes and you not only do you not get to touch them, she doesn’t even wear a cleavage baring outfit. AND she talks and talks and talks to you. AND you have to listen to Spencer Pratt ramble (prattle?) on about how things will be cool and you’re just like, “Who’s this douchebag and why is he talking to me? I wanted tittays.” And then you realize that you must have done something in a previous life to make God hate you.
Tough break, Reincarnated Hitler.
Jul.30.2008 Lauren Conrad needs a hug
Lauren Conrad is a beacon of beauty, talent, brains, and earned celebrity. So you could see why she’s having an emotional breakdown because she kind of sucks at life.
Lauren recently broke down in tears at her Hollywood Hills home, wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become.
“She’s an emotional train wreck,” a source close to LC tells Star. “She usually doesn’t lose it like that. But her life has spiraled out of control, and once she opened the floodgates, it was all over. She just crumpled, putting her head in her hands and sobbing.”
It seems she has a lot to cry about. She’s being slammed in reports for throwing a diva fit at a charity event, her clothing line has been dropped by Kitson, she’s feuding with her pals and her love life is practically nonexistent!
Yeah, Lauren Conrad’s had a tough life. Money, fame, and unlimited opportunities like prestigious internships and fashion lines all because she’s a cute chick who was on MTV as a teenager. And a house in the Hollywood Hills subsidized by a global media company. Yeah, she’s really struggling out there. I should be sending her a dollar a day instead of some swollen-bellied brown person probably.
Meanwhile Heidi Montag is doing pretty well, being mentioned by elderly presidential candidates, hobnobbing with John McCain’s daughter, and shooting guns for some reason. Looks like this Hills feud might be swinging the other way. Except in the whole “having actually done something worthwhile” portion of things. I’m pretty sure Heidi Montag’s biggest accomplishment entails her being able to tie her shoes without stumbling to the floor, both due to lack of coordination and her top-heavy build. The latter of which is a pretty good accomplishment, if you think about it. And if you like blonds with big boobs. Which I do. I know, I’m really a rare individual with bizarre preferences.
[More LC pics from the set above]
Jun.23.2008 The June 23 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a fruity throw
–Pete Wentz threw out the first pitch at the Cubs game this weekend. Like a girl.
–Cleveland Browns QB Brady Quinn needs college to boost his self esteem.
–Lauren Conrad has surprisingly ample cleavage.
–Who robs a store with a piece of tree? (w/ video)
–Jesus Christ rode dinosaurs (w/ the most kickass image ever)
