Oct.27.2008 The 7 most unspeakably creepy clowns
I came across this photo from I-Am-Bored and instantly was brought back to my childhood irrational fears of clowns. This post is a public service for you if you’re thinking about being any type of clown for Halloween. We all hate clowns, to some extent, and you have these 7 fellows to thank.
via Gigglesugar
Ronald McDonald
Famous for: Giving to sick kids and clogging their arteries simultaneously
Sure, he’s designed to lure kids into loving the McDonald’s brand, but Ronald McDonald is a creep, plain and simple…there are hours of footage from commercials to back it up. For example, his TV debut:
He can cure all the sick little kids he wants, but it’ll never make up for the 10 he undoubtedly tortured for days on end in his dark basement. Sure, the smell of fries was welcome at first, but that quickly evaporates when you find a crazed clown mounting you like a steed while demanding that you say “I’m the Hamburglar and I need punishment for my crimes.”
The Joker
Famous for: Criminal activities, Fighting against the rampant outbreak of seriousness
He’s been an urban terrorist (The Dark Knight), an evil prankster (Batman cartoons), a former gangster (Batman…the first one), and an incompetent homosexual (Cesar Romero, as seen below, in the original Batman series). Clearly any of these would strike fear into your heart.
The reasons you’d find The Joker terrifying is pretty simple. He’ll make some snappy little remark, possibly shoot you in the face with a flower, chuckle, and probably kill you. But at least he’d look like he’s having fun doing it, if that’s any consolation.
Slightly unrelated, but I think the best way to write Heath Ledger/The Joker out of the new series of Batman movies would have been a note saying “The Joker died on the way back to his home planet”.
John Wayne Gacy
Famous for: Entertaining dozens of local kids in Illinois with his exciting clown performances, Killing them
John Wayne Gacy lived for two things: Murdering young boys and balloon animals. You can probably guess which one of those led to his downfall. And yes, in spite of the dangers involved of a balloon animal lifestyle, it was the young boys.
It’s a shame, because he seems so well-adjusted in the interview above. And by well-adjusted, I mean well-adjusted to his zeal for being a complete creep who refuses to admit to the fact that he killed a bunch of people. He does seem fairly well spoken though which is good because you don’t simply become a serial killer dressed like a clown by using poor grammar and broken English.
Pennywise
Famous for: Being really really creepy in the book/TV movie It, Poor dental hygiene
If Pennywise were a real guy just hanging out in a clown suit and killing people, that’d be terrifying enough. But the fact that Pennywise is a shape-shifting manifestation of evil that likes to kill kids, well, that’s just a cherry on top.
It really says something about the horror you can inflict on someone if you can appear in someone’s head, throw some blood balloons, hump a rail and yell some shit and they run away in abject terror. It also really allows you to just kick back and enjoy being a disembodied evil spirit. It’s so easy to get caught up in all your work that you forget to really enjoy what you do. Not a problem for old Pennywise.
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Aug.04.2008 The August 4 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with dog vomit
Today’s reason why you should never trust a dog in the video above. Ever since a collie stole my identity, this became my life’s mission.
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Jul.22.2008 Christian Bale is a little…beat-y
How do you celebrate the biggest grossing weekend of all-time? If you’re Christian Bale, allegedly beating your mother and sister. Fun!
The Dark Knight just got a whole lot darker.
British police sources tell TMZ Christian Bale has been arrested and is still being grilled on allegations of assaulting his mom and sister Sunday, the night before the London premiere of “The Dark Knight.”
The official word from Scotland Yard is that “a 34-year-old male” was taken into custody “in the late morning today” in a police precinct in Central London (Bale is 34). They tell TMZ that the allegation emanated from another police agency, but that the incident in question took place in London.
Maybe instead of playing Batman, he should have played Beatmom. No? TMZ already has a monopoly with more “Two-Face” jokes than you can shake a stick at, so we have to make due with other references here. Though apparently they think Christian Bale’s mother is a mummy or something, based upon their usage of the word “mum”.
Now, unlike Christian Bale, Heath Ledger is a star you can get behind. He wasn’t getting in trouble this weekend. He was just chilling out, laying around, really soaking in all the accolades (and top soil, one would assume).
Jul.18.2008 The July 18 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with amazing heaves
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Jul.17.2008 The six villains least likely to appear in the next Batman movie
The entire world is abuzz over the opening of the new Batman film The Dark Knight. The buzz, in large part, is due to the performance of Heath Ledger as Batman supervillain The Joker and his “absolutely magnetic” performance. As people line up tonight at midnight across the country to watch the film, I wonder…which villains from Batman lore will be least likely to follow up Ledger in the next film? Let’s go with six since, hey, this is the sixth Batman movie. Logic!
Globe
Real Name: Hammond Carter
Most Likely to: Inappropriately touch an equator; Eat a hoagie
This villain made his debut in a comic earlier this year. You’d think that, in the year 2008, comics would have grown up a bit and been emboldened by new ideas over time, but you’d be sadly mistaken. According to his Wiki, Globe “plots crimes by latitude, longitude, time zones and the shape of landmasses.” Not going to lie, I’d totally embrace a movie with Globe, if only to find a bunch of Batman-loving nerds go there with high hopes, only to be met with a three-hour film largely chronicling the finer points of cartography.
Great White Shark
Real Name: Warren White (how convenient!)
Most Likely to: Make Richard Dreyfuss crap himself
Great White Shark’s origin story is so amazing, I’m not even going to rewrite it. Here’s the gist:
White is sentenced to Arkham Asylum indefinitely instead of prison. There, he suffers great indignities as the new inmate, or “fish.” His first cellmate is Death Rattle, a cult leader and mass murderer who plans to turn him into a human sacrifice. Early in his stay, Killer Croc slices a set of “gills” into White’s neck with his claws, claiming the “fish” needs a set. Realizing his mistake in pleading insanity, White bribes his psychiatrist, Dr. Anne Carver, into having him transferred to a minimum security prison in exchange for $20 million. However, Dr. Carver is revealed to have been killed and replaced some months before by the villainess Jane Doe. Her boss, Dr. Jeremiah Arkham, orders all of Dr. Carver’s papers filed by Jane Doe be destroyed, including the paperwork that would lead to White’s transfer. Dr. Arkham’s decision is heavily motivated by the loss of his own pension due to White’s corrupt business practices.
To survive the harassment and violence in Arkham, White allies himself with Two-Face, becoming his “coin boy,” but the relationship quickly ends when Death Rattle threatens him and Two-Face does nothing to help.
During a prison riot caused by the escape of a cadre of demons trapped underneath Arkham ED NOTE: Well, what other things do demons have to do other than cause prison riots, I suppose, White is assaulted and locked in Mr. Freeze’s subzero cell by Jane Doe. His injuries, the result of horrific frostbite, leave White deformed: his skin turns a pale white and his nose, lips, hair, and several of his fingers fall off. These deformities, along with his set of “gills,” leave him resembling a real great white shark.
So basically this guy was a white collar criminal who got bitched out by approximately 700 people and abandoned by everyone he aligned himself with. Batman probably wouldn’t even have to hit this guy. He could probably take a nap and Great White Shark would just die of loneliness or something.
Magpie
Real Name: Margaret Pye
Most Likely To: Own many cats; Die alone
Magpie is infamous for her desire to steal rare jewels named after birds and replace them with booby-trapped replicas. That’s a bit niched, no? I’m all for making it seem like you’re doing something, but you can’t call yourself a criminal and have that be your only crime. Even if you’re amazing at it, you’re affecting like five people on Earth. If Batman were the Supreme Court and all of these villains were cases, Magpie wouldn’t even be reviewed for selection. If Batman saw her doing her “crimes”, all while looking like an extra from a low-budget 80s hair band’s music video, he’d probably shrug his shoulders and go get a pizza.
Calendar Man
Real Name: Julian Day
Most Likely To: Commit a crime based on emulating a woman’s menstrual cycle
Calendar Man is widely considered one of the most worthless villains in any form, ever. IGN named him the Worst Batman Villain ever. Fans and even the characters in the comic books called him a douchebag, a joke, or both. He was so bad that when the writers of the Batman cartoon wanted to use anything remotely similar to his gimmick (that being he committed crimes based on the calendar, i.e. if it was Summer or Wednesday or Flag Day, I guess), they had to turn him into a hot chick with big boobs to make the modus operandi remotely interesting. Simply put, Calendar Man is an ASS.
Film Freak
Real Name: Burt Weston
Most Likely To: Imitate art imitating life
Film Freak is an actor who played villains in many films. Then he couldn’t act any more, so he decided to undertake crimes from movies. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have rented “Two Girls One Cup” at any point before his untimely demise at the hands of roided-up monster villain Bane.
The Calculator
Real Name: Noah Kuttler (I swear, given everyone else’s names, I would have thought his name would be Cal Quelator…sigh)
Most Likely To: Receive wedgies from every member of the Justice League
What strikes fear into the citizens of Gotham? Math, apparently. According to his Wiki, Calculator’s creation stemmed from the high-tech new device of 1976, the pocket calculator. He’s apparently like a supergenius or whatever, but I can’t help but feel as though Batman could just hold up a nude woman to Calculator and he’d be confused, aroused, and paralyzed by fear. Which probably makes him even more relatable to all the people who’ll begin the countdown to the next Batman movie after seeing The Dark Knight.
[Many thanks to Comic Vine for the majority of the images and info]
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