Aug.11.2008 Lady who stole $500,000 worth of phone books is jailed

I like funny stories. Fark gave me this funny story.

Most people want to get rid of their old phone books, but a Las Cruces woman has been indicted for fraud for allegedly keeping more than 100,000 directories.

Fifty-five-year-old Debra Gottrell is accused of storing the books in three Las Cruces storage units during a four-year period instead of delivering them as she was hired to do.

Court records show she was indicted July 31st by a Dona Ana County grand jury on a charge of fraud.

A telephone listing for Gottrell was unavailable. There is no explanation of why she allegedly took the phone books.

The stash of directories was discovered when a worker at one of the storage units contacted Gottrell’s employer, Directory Plus.

Directory Plus owner Hugh Riddle says his company lost an estimated $500,000 from the lost directories.

This story kind of sucks without an explanation of why someone would do this. Because why the fuck would someone do this? Stealing phone books, a free product that barely anyone wants and even less people actually use, just seems silly. They’re kind of heavy, take up a lot of space, and serve no real purpose unless you’re a destitute pig in need of a home to build that the big bad wolf might not be able to blow down.

Also phone books are such an antiquated idea now. You might as well steal cures for polio or apartheid.

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May.19.2008 Finally the virtual girlfriend you’ve waited for

I’m sure this has no relevance to my readers since I assume to “get” me you have to be as cool and handsome as I am. But if you’re an unlucky guy, you may want to consider this recently unveiled NYU student’s creation: A virtual girlfriend.

It’s simple to behold — a single mattress, tucked into a dark, curtained back room of the showcase space. On it: a lithe brunette. She’s perfectly quiet, but once you sit or lie down, she responds to your every move. Lie on your back, she snuggles up right next to you in a log position. Curl up in the fetal position, she spoons. The only hitch: She’s 2-D. “Yeah, you can’t feel the girl. That’s the thing,” Burrows explained as he demonstrated his invention, an “infrared sensitive” light projection (meaning it reacts, and the projected woman moves, based on an infrared sensor) called INBED. “Still, it’s so nice if you’re tired and worn out to have someone to curl up with.”

As for satisfying those not-so-innocent late-night desires, this lady adheres to her role as steady girlfriend. Give her kiss on the check and she rolls over and buries her face in the pillow. And yes, she stays fully clothed at all times. Nonetheless, Burrows suggests his new alternative to a full-body pillow or (ugh) blow-up doll could provide late-night comfort for traders, lawyers, or any other single guy in Manhattan who simply works too hard to keep a girlfriend. Speaking of, how long has Burrows been single?

“Long enough to come up with this idea,” he sighed.

Wow, a girlfriend you can’t touch. This is an even better idea than the invisible hamburger my dad used to give me when I was little that ended in me biting my own hand. And by little, I mean like last November. Whatever, I caught on eventually.

But that’s pretty great that you can have this fake chick in your bed giving you all the non-physical benefits of a relationship. Like uh…talking about shoes. Or staring at you with utter contempt and disbelief that she once found you appealing. Yeah, that’s what I need. If I wanted a chick welded to the bed who still thought she was better than me, I’d have kept dating that 800-pound woman. At least then I’d have been able to occasionally find a sandwich while going down on her.

Mar.25.2008 Robot love is beautiful, cold and metallic

I really can’t even do justice to this wonderful article on Gizmodo that includes an interview with a guy who built a robot to have sex with. The robot even has artificial intelligence that makes her not want want to blow him or give up the butt. I’ve never been such an exciting combination of flabbergasted and aroused! Read this. Seriously. [Gizmodo]

Thanks to the handsome and delicious-smelling Mike for the tip