Sep.29.2008 Kiefer Sutherland is retarded
Or he’s good at promoting movies. Or both. Either way, he’s claiming to be petrified of mirrors.
Hollywood tough guy Kiefer Sutherland has banned mirrors from his home - because he’s scared of them.
The 24 star admits he has a fear of the looking glass and avoids being around them.
He says, “Come over to my house. You won’t find a mirror anywhere.
“I don’t like mirrors. They are frightening.”
Ironically, in latest movie Mirrors, Sutherland plays a department store security guard who starts seeing horrifying images in the shop’s mirrors.
I think Kiefer might be confusing the fact that he once played a vampire in The Lost Boys with real life. And even then, vampires aren’t scared of mirrors, they just look in them and go, “How am I supposed to fix my hair now? This is inconvenient.” This is why you never see a vampire with a bouffant.
If he’s not just being a douche promoting his new movie that isn’t scary at all (”OMG MIRRORS! I MIGHT SEE REFRACTED LIGHT! GAHHHH”), it’s kind of disheartening to know that he’s such a wuss. He plays Jack Bauer, the baddest man alive, who bites out people’s throats and leaps off of walls and hangs terrorist from complicated pulley systems…meanwhile Kiefer Sutherland is going back to his trailer and just emitting a constant stream of shrieks, tears, and urine-soaked pants. It’s like my childhood all over again.
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Aug.11.2008 Lady who stole $500,000 worth of phone books is jailed
I like funny stories. Fark gave me this funny story.
Most people want to get rid of their old phone books, but a Las Cruces woman has been indicted for fraud for allegedly keeping more than 100,000 directories.
Fifty-five-year-old Debra Gottrell is accused of storing the books in three Las Cruces storage units during a four-year period instead of delivering them as she was hired to do.
Court records show she was indicted July 31st by a Dona Ana County grand jury on a charge of fraud.
A telephone listing for Gottrell was unavailable. There is no explanation of why she allegedly took the phone books.
The stash of directories was discovered when a worker at one of the storage units contacted Gottrell’s employer, Directory Plus.
Directory Plus owner Hugh Riddle says his company lost an estimated $500,000 from the lost directories.
This story kind of sucks without an explanation of why someone would do this. Because why the fuck would someone do this? Stealing phone books, a free product that barely anyone wants and even less people actually use, just seems silly. They’re kind of heavy, take up a lot of space, and serve no real purpose unless you’re a destitute pig in need of a home to build that the big bad wolf might not be able to blow down.
Also phone books are such an antiquated idea now. You might as well steal cures for polio or apartheid.
Apr.03.2008 Woman bites pit bull, saves her dog
What lengths would you go to save your dog? If you’re some slut who I don’t know in Minneapolis, you might bite the pit bull biting your dog.
Amy Rice feared for her dog’s life when a pit bull jumped over a fence into her yard and attacked her pooch. So she took matters into her own mouth.
Rice says she bit the pit bull on the nose Friday after trying to pull the dog’s jaws off her Labrador retriever, Ella. The dog had jumped a fence to get into Rice’s northeast Minneapolis yard, and Rice says she feared the pit bull would kill Ella.
“I didn’t plan it, that’s what happened. I broke the skin and had pit bull blood in my mouth,” said Rice, 38. “I knew what happened, and I knew that it wasn’t good.”
The pit bull was quarantined Wednesday by Minneapolis Animal Control officers while rabies tests are being completed. Rice’s doctor will determine whether she needs shots for rabies.
“I was sure that my dog was dying in my arms; it was horrible,” Rice said.
She says the pit bull was attacking her dog, but I’m thinking this is a convenient way to get yourself a sweet dose of pit bull blood. Who hasn’t walked by a pit bull and thought “Oh man, I want to suck the life essence out of that little bastard”? Answer: No one. Pretty funny though that the pit bull is getting tested for rabies because Ann Rice bit it.
I dunno that I’d go biting dogs under any circumstance though. I’d rather my dog stop being a bitch and fight back. I guess I’d jerk off the pit bull if that meant it’d leave my dog alone though. That’s still a pretty big sacrifice on my part and would achieve the same effect. I’m not sure how the pit bull and I would come to terms though. And that’s why America needs to have just one language; there’s just too much of a disconnect.
Mar.25.2008 How much would you pay to see a 40 foot tall Sarah Jessica Parker?
I would pay approximately negative $370,000 dollars. But some Japanese chick has decided it’s worth about $52,000 to attend the Sex and the City premiere.
How much would you pay to join the stars of Sex and the City on the red carpet at the premiere of the movie?
One woman from Japan won Oxfam’s auction to attend the New York event with Kristin Davis.
The winning bid? $52,100 – which goes entirely to the international relief and development organization.
The winner, who found out about the auction from an interview with Davis in last week’s Us Weekly, plans to go to the premiere with her fiance.
“Oxfam’s mission is to alleviate poverty and injustice by helping people learn skills and create lives,” Davis explained to Us. “I just got back from Africa and saw firsthand that we’re making a long-term difference. It gave me a sense of satisfaction.”
You know what’s a better use for $52,000? Building a giant mallet that is controlled via a remote control attached to your retina that will smash you on the head and spray confectioner’s sugar on you after contact. But why would you do that? God you rich people are so ridiculous.
