Jun.29.2009 Basketball is deadly
I used to love basketball but due to now being older and not having melanin, I no longer can play the game with the same amount of zeal. And here’s another reason why that’s a good idea…rims with murderous intent.
It’s like that old “Grant Hill drinks Sprite!” Sprite commercial where the guy tries to dunk but falls backwards, only instead of falling backwards, this guy almost died. Much less charming in real life.
Basketball is typically pretty safe though. If you’re playing by yourself, odds are you won’t injure anything. And if you’re playing with other people, odds are the black guys won’t be able to mug you because there’s no way you can carry weapons and adequately sprint around the court. That’s why they call basketball The Great Equalizer. Other than athletically. Or if it turns into a penis measuring contest. Probably not equal there, at all.
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Jun.23.2009 Poker will solve all of Africa’s problems
I rarely do good things for people, so it’s a privilege to do something nice for the people of Africa. Some celebrities are getting together as part of the World Series of Poker 2009 festivities, in conjunction with Enough, to raise money for the various crises in Africa and, presumably, avoid making racially insensitive jokes.
On July 2, 2009, Don Cheadle is once again hosting the third annual Ante Up for Africa, No Limit Texas Hold-Em Tournament in association with the World Series of Poker. Proceeds from the event will go to charities that provide aid and assistance to the survivors of the crisis in Darfur, Sudan and support activism dedicated to resolving this crisis. Previous Ante Up tournaments have raised more than $2 million for the cause.
Matt Damon, Jason Alexander, Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, Montel
Williams, Herschel Walker, Hank Azaria, Brad Garrett, Marlon Wayans, Sarah Silverman and Casey Affleck are all playing this year, with many more celebs expressing their interest to play.
That’s a pretty big turnout of prominent celebrities. I’m always amazed when people who have so much are passionate about helping people who are totally different than themselves. Like that time I slept with a Australian chick. We couldn’t have had less in common — she had seen koalas and kangaroos in person, I didn’t pass out in my hotel room — yet I was generous enough to give her access to my loins and towel her off afterwards before throwing her back in the hallway. Truly a beautiful story of caring for others.
You can get updates on the Ante Up for Africa event at Pokerlistings.com.
Jun.22.2009 This is one impressive basketball shot
This morning on the Today Show, they delved into all the hard-hitting news. Like “Can a boy do a somersault into a full-court basketball shot?” The answer: Yes, but only if he has really stupid hair.
That is a pretty amazing thing to do, I have to say. And I’m sure it took hours of practice and effort to get done. Which is good, because when interviewing at a college or a job, the first thing they ask is, “Have you ever hit a full-court shot after doing a front flip?” And if the answer is yes, they go, “Gnarrrrrrlyyyyyy!!!!!!” and leap into the air and give you a high five. That’s assuming you’re living in an early 90s commercial for Capri Sun. Which is to say, a perfect world.
Jun.18.2009 Oh Hulu, you and your racism
The show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here is, well I don’t know if it’s doing well but it’s certainly existing. Nonetheless, Hulu is pushing it on its homepage. But Hulu may want to be careful with the images it selects juxtaposed with the shortened descriptions.
Now that’s just insensitive to John Salley, the lone black guy of the show. It probably goes with the theme of the producers’ racial insensitivity, though. One of the challenges Salley had to do involved scaling a model building while holding up Torrie Wilson. Shameful how NBC doesn’t think about the subtext to their actions.
It reminds me of how when I was on the bus this morning, the back of the bus had literally only black people on it while all old white ladies sat in the front. Didn’t you guys take history class? Then again, with the public school system the way it is, I guess the class probably just showed Driving Miss Daisy as a historical allegory and everyone got confused.
[thanks Carl for the tip!]
Jun.17.2009 El Salvador is rapey
Note to all the ladies out there…if you have big, luscious jugs or a juicy ass and are planning on going to a soccer game in El Salvador, wear a steel chestplate and chastity belt. Because things get excessively gropeful there.
I can really sympathize with this girl. I used to sublet an apartment in Chelsea and I remember how I’d walk down the street and just get accosted by these animals pining for my goods. Any fleshly orb of skin I had was grabbed and prodded. Some might I say might I have been asking for it by wearing fishnets and a sign on my back that said, “Just because you eat at a different restaurant doesn’t mean you can’t grab my ass and balls.” But what I lacked in subtlety, I more than made up for in coy smiles.
Jun.05.2009 I <3 the Kobe and LeBron puppets
I pretty much tune out all advertising because I’ll be damned if the Scrubbin’ Bubbles guy date rapes me again, but one piece of advertising that’s caught my eye is the Kobe Bryant and LeBron James puppets for Nike. So someone took one of their commercials and made a very funny parody.
I don’t know if this is going to lead into a joke, but I’ve been wanting a Muppet version of myself for a long time now. They make them at the FAO Schwartz location in NYC, but I haven’t had time time or followthrough to do it. I tried to convince my girlfriend that we should get matching Muppets and she said, “Yeah, we sure should,” but I think she was being patronizing and/or a dick. I think I’d just display the Muppet in the apartment. Though I think there would be some comedic value in my girlfriend coming home one day and finding me facefucking her Muppet, then telling her that it’s not what it looks like.
Point being: There has been nothing in the world that couldn’t be enhanced by Muppets. You could probably reinstitute torture and, so long as it was done by Muppets, everyone would be thrilled.
[thanks Quikjo for the tip]
May.27.2009 This guy’s gymnastics skills are unreal
Meet Damien Walters, a tumbler, gymnast, and martial artist who can do things with his body that you can’t even do in most video games. Check it out.
That’s just amazing. I never knew there were so many different ways to flip around and jump through a tight spot. This guy rocks. I’d like to hire him. Not for like a movie or anything, but I’d like him to do this flipping around shit while walking behind me and a girl on a date. Then he would flip in front of me and go, “It’s time.” After some well-choreographed back and forth with me and him and all his flipping, including each of us picking up a motorcycle and dueling with them like that Jet Li movie The One, culminating in me taking him down and punching him repeatedly in the head until he’s “unconscious.” How could you not give me the rimmingest of rimjobs after seeing that? I’d practically give myself one after a showing of such manliness.
