Dec.02.2008 Proposals can be difficult
Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (our first two-time Comic of the Day, congrats to them on this utterly meaningless accomplishment) comes this gem about how you may not want to propose to the woman of your dreams.
A proposal mimicking this is even more awkward when your wife-to-be doesn’t have any experience at all with rectal examination. And it becomes eeeeeven more awkward when you have a large Nigerian man named Kinto pulling out the ring for you while he’s busy using his hands to file his nails. Sexy, but awkward.
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Sep.08.2008 SLANDER THE ETHNICS MONDAY: Greek people are dumb
Okay so this probably won’t be a recurring feature, but dare to dream. Check out this video of how some Greeks celebrate Easter. Spoiler: They’re idiots.
Not pictured in the celebration: The winner gets sodomy. I’m not going to lie, that’s like all I know about Greece…gyros, sodomy, and men wrestling in the nude. But the latter two ingredients sure do make for a delicious food in the form of the first one!
Jun.11.2008 I could be a doctor
I thought there was a science to being a doctor. Turns out, all you need is a hammer and a little bit of hope.
A suburban Kansas City man said he feels fine, even though a nailgun accidentally fired a 2.5-inch nail into the top of his head.
The mishap occurred last Friday while George Chandler of Shawnee, Kan., and a friend were doing a project in a back yard.
The nailgun hose became tangled, causing the powerful tool to fire one nail. Chandler on Monday said he told his friend he did not know where the nail went, but he felt a sting on the top of his head.
“He looked at me and said, ‘I need a claw hammer,”‘ Chandler recalled. “I thought, ‘Ah, he’s just teasing.”‘
So the doctor borrowed a claw hammer from a worker to finish the job and sent Chandler home with a few stitches.
God I love smalltown life. It’s just so simple. Like you flunk out of craftsmanship school, become a doctor, get drunk off of Jim Bean, and then decide to live out your dreams of being a carpenter at your medical facility! Fun fact: That was also how Jesus cured people. With a claw hammer.
Similar story happened to me and a bowling trophy. Only instead of a claw hammer, it was a lubed up glove, a flashlight, and a whole lot of remorse. Sigh. That’s just how big city life is, I suppose. You put one thing up your butt in a sober 11AM haze and people never let you live it down.
Jun.03.2008 Hayden Panettiere got stomped
From LAX…
I’m not sure what happened in this photo. Reports are saying that she got her foot stomped but it looks to me like she got vigorously sodomized. That’s why I usually stomp people’s feet before violently sodomizing them. And also why I tend to fuck a lot of clowns. Way more feet for the stompins. Mmm. I’m gonna honk your nose while we make love baby.
[Image jack of ICYDK]
Mar.25.2008 Chace Crawford and JC Chasez are totally boning
What happens when two somewhat famous closeted twinks in Chace Crawford and JC Chasez get together? Magic! And recorded assumed buttsex.
Chace Crawford, the Gossip Girl star so pretty that one bat of his lashes is enough to instantly knock crowds of his tweenage fanbase clear unconscious, has been linked quite a bit lately to former NSYNC member JC Chasez. Not even a suspiciously timed and worded Page Six item describing the actor as being “surrounded by women” seemed to quell the rumors regarding these frequent bunk buddies. Now, via cameraphone-equipped operative, we bring you this latest addition to the Defamer Citizen Paparazzi files. It’s an eyewitness account of what Chase and J.C. (can we just give them a celebrity couple’s name already? Chésee it is!) were up to over this unseasonably warm L.A. weekend:
Spotted at the Roosevelt pool, Friday PM:
Pretty boy Chace Crawford darting to the bar from a private cabana. No one seemed to notice but upon further inspection, there was quite the little boys party going in the cabana–JC Chasez hiding out and Chace running around getting drinks. The two were in very different bathing suits–JC in his DG mankini and Chace in his best hetero pair of boardshorts–and later changed into a casual jeans & t-shirt look.
Well, I said many moons ago that Chace Crawford is clearly a gay boy in the midst of a PR campaign to make him look straight. So really the point of this point is how awesome I am.
But the other point is that if you’re a gay celebrity, just be a gay guy. Like I dunno, if I were a young gay boy, I’d be annoyed because where are the gay role models for me to model my dicksuckery after? Or at least get the courage to tell my doting mother that I like a feeling similar to getting cream puffs squeezed out onto my back while sitting on a baseball bat? Be who you are, dammit. For the lil people!
