Dec.01.2008 Quote of the Day
The recession is making it difficult for people to find activities to entertain themselves. Well, not in the UK as sex is now becoming a popular free activity. And you can make money off of it if you’re cute enough and have no standards as to what is going to be inserted inside of you and what monster it may be attached to!
As the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time, a charity says.
A YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping.
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Nov.25.2008 Penis shaped crazy straws are all the rage at Walmart
Via my new favorite video site Laugh Freak comes this charming news story of Walmart and its love for penis shaped crazy straws.
Sure, current iterations of crazy straws are significantly crazy. But I’d say that, much like anything else in life, adding penises to the equation makes it even craaaaaazier (that’s why the crazy bread at my pizza shop never really took off).
At least these kids are getting adequately trained for how we’re all going to have to make money in this recession. It’s much better than learning on the job. I once dated a girl who just banged mine against her forehead, clearly confused as to how this transaction works. All of that could have been avoided if we had penis crazy straws. Or if I stopped picking up chicks on short buses. Look, solutions are always much easier in hindsight.
Nov.24.2008 Teenage blowjob could cost a woman her home
Well this just sounds wholly unfair. A 29 year-old woman who blew a classmate who was 15 when she was 17 is a registered sex offender and it may cause her to leave her home, located in an area where sex offenders aren’t allowed.
Wendy Whitaker, 29, has been on Georgia’s sex offender list for more than 12 years. Her crime? She performed oral sex on a high school classmate just after turning 17. The boy was just shy of his 16th birthday. Both were sophomores. Whitaker is now suing, claiming that given her crime, her sex offender status is cruel and unusual punishment.
After the international uproar associated with the Genarlow Wilson case (Wilson, you’ll remember, was convicted of a similar crime—having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old while he was 17), Georgia’s legislature clarified state law to prevent these sorts of cases—what Whitaker did 12 years ago is no longer a crime in Georgia. But because some Georgia lawmakers stubbornly wanted to keep Wilson in jail, the legislature took a separate vote to keep the law from applying retroactively. Wilson and Whitaker are still convicted felons. Whitaker’s suit cites the Georgia Supreme Court’s ruling in Wilson’s case, which found that Wilson’s 10-year sentence and mandatory sex offender status amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.
Whitaker is also involved in a second lawsuit—this one to keep her house. In 2006, she and her husband scoped out neighborhood surrounding the Harlem, Georgia home they eventually purchased to be sure they were in compliance with Georgia’s sex offender law at the time. That law prohibited offenders from living within 1,000 feet of any area where children congregate. Despite their efforts, local authorities ordered Whitaker and her husband to vacate shortly after they moved in. They had overlooked a nearby church, which was running an unadvertised daycare service.
Yeah sure, this SOUNDED like a great story and one that warranted my support of the poor blowjob giver. But then I found this picture of her and, well, I completely am in favor of punishing this sexual predator to the fullest extent of the law. She shouldn’t have a home, a family, or the Hostess snack cakes she apparently takes three times daily as though they were vitamins. I’m not a very political person, but one cause I’ve always taken up is less rights for the fat and ugly. Because it’s fine if you’re one. But if you’re both, we have a serious problem and you should probably be stop mixing your awful DNA into our gene pool.
Also, what a sex offender name “Wendy” is. If I had to bet on any name being the most common female sex offender name, it’d be Wendy. It just says “I’m going to diddle underaged boys and give them little race cars not to talk” to me.
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Nov.21.2008 Quote of the Day
World’s fattest man Manuel Uribe got married (pic here if you’re curious, she’s far from hot though) a couple weeks back. However, due to his girth, they couldn’t do the nasty nuptials dance with their genitals. But they did now thanks to the magic of engineering!
Due to his enormous weight, Manuel was not able to consummate his wedding. Then his friends came up with an idea to build him a sex ramp with resistant concrete. The ramp allowed the man to raise the lower half of his body and his wife received a better access to Uribe’s private parts.
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Nov.18.2008 Strippers want money? No way.
A collection of strippers from NYC strip club Scores are suing the establishment for taking 10 cents off of every dollar the whores received from patrons using the club’s fake money. Whose side am I on? The fake money, probably.
Almost 70 Scores top strippers want their bosses to hand over the 10 cents they skimmed from every dollar slipped into their G-strings.
Following a hearing Monday in Manhattan Federal Court, lawyer Justin Swartz said dozens of former Scores employees - most of them dancers - have joined a class-action suit former Scores bartender Siri Diaz filed in October 2007.
The women accuse Scores of a “greedy money grab” engineered through the use of “Diamond Dollars,” play money customers use to tip their favorite lap dancer.
The strippers say management skimmed 10% off their “Diamond Dollars” take. Swartz said the two sides are “discussing the possibility of a settlement.”
There’s so many shocking pieces in this story. Scummy strip club owners? Women who show their labia for money (I know, they don’t do that in NYC, but come on, the idea of showing your labia for money is much funnier than just breasts) somehow wanting even more money? I’m taken aback by all of the unconventional ideas in this story.
It’s not in my nature to go against the rights of our brave nude Americans and their rights to earn the money they’re due for doing such brave things as: Showing their breasts to strangers, pretending to be interested in those strangers, wearing clear high heels, dancing to Motley Crue, giving handjobs to unattractive traveling salesmen for slightly more money, calculus, shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas, and much much more. We must support their naked bodies unwaveringly, ideally by propping up said bodies against our erect penises for which we wear sweatpants in order to maximize the amount of contact they give us during their lap dances. Yessir, being a stripper is a glamorous life indeed.
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Nov.13.2008 A competition for Best Ass in the World you say?
Some company called Sloggi, who apparently sells underwear, held their annual competition for “Most Beautiful Bottom in the World”. I probably don’t need to say any more to get you to watch the video.
The female winner is Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak, a 20 year-old form Brazil. And with a name as awful as that, you need to have an amazing ass to balance it out. These competitions are always sort of skewed…we really need to force every woman on Earth into them in order to ensure we have an accurate woman. If I were a chick, I’d be reluctant to flaunt my ass for something named “Sloggi”.
Unfortunately the competition also featured men, so avert your eyes in the photos with the blue undies. Try to aim your masturbation solely to the right side of the screen, like you were beating off onto Two-Face.
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Nov.03.2008 Burglar breaks into store, has sex with mannequins
A burglar broke into a German store and had sweet sweet love with three mannequins on a display bed. Aroused? Read on.
DEPARTMENT store staff were left shocked after discovering a burglar tucked up in bed with some of their plastic female dummies.
Staff who opened the store in the morning found Metin Erzurum wrapped up in a window display bed with three mannequins.The 37-year-old kinky burglar is being charged with burglary and criminal damage after admitting he attempted an orgy with the dummies.
But this isn’t the first time a thief has decided to get up close and personal with plastic models while robbing a store.
One German thief donned female clothing in a department store and stood in the window display to avoid being spotted and captured by police.
Unfortunately, a passer-by spotted the unshaven, life-like mannequin and reported him.
Call me crazy, but I think this guy might have problems. Not because he’s having sex with inanimate toasters…believe me, I’m the last person to judge anyone about that (there are armies of teddy bears with harassment suits to back that one up). But why a mannequin? They’re all hard and plasticky and soulless and don’t move in bed. You might as well be fucking Teri Hatcher.
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