Nov.18.2008 Quote of the Day
So this lady lost her eye. Her logical solution? Turn her into a cyborg by installing a Webcam into her eye. Only she’d be slightly less functional than a cyborg because, you know, she still couldn’t see. You might as well put a big penis on a midget for the same amount of worthwhile usability.
“There have been all sorts of cyborgs in science fiction for a long time, and I’m sort of a sci-fi geek,” Vlach tells the New York Daily News in a story published Monday. “With the advancement of technology, I thought, ‘Why not?’”
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Nov.05.2008 Women do have cooties, according to new study
Ever wonder why you’re always catching colds and illnesses and STDs from women? Turns out it’s because their bodies are havens for germs.
Ladies, your hands are a zoo. Sampling the bacterial DNA on human skin has revealed that while women’s hands get washed more often than men’s, they teem with a more diverse selection of germs.
What’s more, the average person’s hands probably carry at least 3000 different bacteria belonging to more than 100 species. This startling cornucopia may make it possible to tell which objects have been touched by someone, just by looking at the bacteria left behind.
Noah Fierer and colleagues at the University of Colorado at Boulder in the US swabbed the palms of 51 undergraduates coming out of an exam. They then used the PCR technique to amplify the bacterial DNA present, and sequenced the genetic material using a high-throughput method called pyrosequencing.
“We were pretty surprised to see such clear differences between men and women,” says Fierer. “We don’t know the causes.” Differences in sweat and sebum production, hormones and even the use of cosmetics might be involved, but it could simply be that men’s skin is more acid – acid environments tend to have less microbial diversity.
I can’t say I’m surprised. Emotionally, women are all devils, so it’s not really any surprise that they’re taking their warfare to a biological level. You hear that women? Your sweet skin, sexy curves, and womanly smells are all ways of luring us in to your vaginal anthrax.
I have to wonder though if the researches did a really in-depth look at men’s balls for this study. I’m pretty sure that there are much worse things congregating there than on any woman. In fact, that’s where the Plague came from…teabagging was the hot trend of the time so while everyone was pulling their scrotal pranks, they spread the disease further and further. Don’t even bother looking it up, it’s true. We call that scientific fact, my friends.
[source]
Oct.07.2008 Your premature ejaculation cannot be helped. I’m sorry.
A new study finds that premature ejaculation is a genetic problem. So all those times your mom wanted to divorce your father, now you know why.
Men who suffer from premature ejaculation may be able to blame their genes, work suggests.
A study of nearly 200 Dutch men found those who climaxed too soon during intercourse had a version of a gene that controls the hormone serotonin.
Men with this version ejaculated twice as quickly as other men in the study.
“This contradicts the idea, which has been common for years, that the primary form of premature ejaculation is a psychological disorder,” [Dr Marcel Waldinger] said.
She said men with primary premature ejaculation tended to be fast reactors generally.
“These men have very quick reflexes. They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example.”
The survey took over 10 years to complete since each time the researchers attempted to conduct an interview with the subjects, they would just let out a groan and hang up the phone hurriedly after 30 seconds. Then call back and apologize profusely. Then roll over and fall asleep. You see, because they’re premature ejaculators. The joke is that the principle behind that would make them act the same in all aspects of life. Because they finish fast. And embarrassingly. Excreting perm that is. Little undeveloped babies used in the reproductive cycle. Circle of life.
Just want to be sure we’re on the same page.
What about a story for the retarded ejaculators out there (not to say the people with Down’s masturbating vigorously and embarrassing their families more than usual), but the people who can’t finish? Those poor souls, forced to throw yogurt on the backs of their loved ones over the same they feel as a result of their conditions. It’s tragic, really.
[On205th provided the news for this]
Sep.03.2008 African prostitutes are magical!
Scientists have discovered that some Kenyan prostitutes may be immune to AIDS. What does this mean to you other than that perhaps you can have unprotected sex with more Kenyan whores? Read on!
Seriously if you expect me to search out pics of African prostitutes, you’re sadly mistaken
Researchers in Canada report discovery of unusual proteins in a small group of Kenyan sex workers that appear to be associated with resistance to infection with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.
The discovery could lead to the improved design of vaccines and drugs to fight the deadly virus, which infects an estimated 40 million people worldwide, the scientists say in a new report.
In the new study, Adam Burgener and colleagues note that 140 of more than 2000 sex workers studied in Nairobi, Kenya, appear resistant to HIV infection. Although evidence suggests that certain biological factors in their vaginal fluid may play a role in resistance, the exact identity of these substances was unclear.
The scientists used a high-tech analytical method to compare differences among proteins in vaginal fluids from HIV-resistant women and those infected with the virus or susceptible to it. HIV-resistant women had proteins significantly different from other women. Vaginal fluids of the HIV-resistant women had higher levels of proteins with anti-viral and anti-inflammatory actions.
Sure, this research is valuable, but I bet the taste test portion of things was probably less than desirable.
I do wonder how the scientists found out about this though. Did someone take a special “research” trip to Kenya? Did a scientist get caught by his wife looking up black hookers and then have to cover it up with this elaborate story about researching HIV-resistant African hookers? Inquiring minds need to know!
Aug.11.2008 Invisibility cloaks just got more likely
In the most awesome news to ever exist, invisibility cloak researchers have reached a breakthrough that could help them make things invisible. With the power of CLOAK!
Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible.
Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects. Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.
The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.
The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.
As awesome as this is theoretically, a mass-market invisibility cloak probably wouldn’t be the best idea. Incidents of mysterious semen flying at nude women in locker rooms and showers would escalate, as would “Surprise sex,” bank robberies, and just general creepiness. And what if the ninjas got a hold of this? They’re already practically invisible with their stealthiness and aerodynamically small genitals…imagine what they’d do if they got a hold of this?
In related news, if someone can get me an invisibility cloak before anyone else has one, that’d be awesome. I think I have a pretty big readership in the Chinese-American scientific community so I’m hoping I can finally call in a favor to Big Invisibility. Help a brotha out
Apr.25.2008 The T-Rex is basically a large chicken
So if you’re a T-Rex I have bad news for you this morning: It turns out, you’re really just a large chicken.
Tyrannosaurus rex just got a firm grip on the animal kingdom’s family tree, right next to chickens and ostriches.
New analyses of soft tissue from a T.rex leg bone re-confirm that birds are dinosaurs’ closest living relatives.
“We determined that T. rex, in fact, grouped with birds — ostrich and chicken — better than any other organism that we studied,” said researcher John Asara of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School. “We also show that it groups better with birds than [with] modern reptiles, such as alligators and green anole lizards.”
When reached for comment, Tyrone Rex said, “FUCK NAH YO.” All the dinosaurs I reach for comment tend to be ethnic.
I guess that while physiologically there are similarities (this may surprise you, but I’m not a scientist and am incapable of disproving these accusations), I’ve also never been terrified of a chicken eating me whole. Or tipping over an outhouse while I’m in it. Or was that a velociraptor. Or that spitting dinosaur. Man those things were pretty cool. I don’t even know if they really existed, but I remember when that one spat in Newman’s eye in Jurassic Park and I was like, “Wow. That is a dinosaur that you should respect.”
Anyway given these findings, T-Rexes sound delicious and I would like to eat one. Please serve one up to me stat, Kennedy Fried T-Rex.
Apr.22.2008 That smart cripple says aliens may or may not exist
Stephen Hawking is saying things that are kind of interesting but ultimately vague and worthless. This time, it’s about aliens.
One option is that there likely isn’t life elsewhere. Or maybe there is intelligent life elsewhere, but when it gets smart enough to send signals into space, it also is smart enough to make destructive nuclear weapons.
Hawking said he prefers the third option:
“Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare,” he then quickly added: “Some would say it has yet to occur on earth.”
So should you worry about aliens? Alien abduction claims come from “weirdos” and are unlikely.
However, because alien life might not have DNA like us, Hawking warned: “Watch out if you would meet an alien. You could be infected with a disease with which you have no resistance.”
The 66-year-old British cosmologist, who suffers from ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease, and must speak through a mechanical device, believes “if the human race is to continue for another million years, we will have to boldly go where no one has gone before.”
So apparently just going, “Hey, stuff may or may not be out there, perhaps” is enough to make news these days. Or do I have to be a funny looking guy in a wheelchair who talks like a See ‘N’ Say kids toy to get that kind of credibility? Plus he’s a cosmologist, what does that have to do with aliens? Yeah, it’s great that he does a wonderful job putting make-up on people and selecting the right shades, but come on, this guy shouldn’t be telling me about the universe.
I will, however, absolutely listen to Wheels from the Burger King Kids Club about scientific matters. He just looks like he knows.
