Oct.30.2008 Lindsay Lohan rides the subway. Like a savage
Lindsay Lohan and gal pal (I sound like a real gossiper!) Samantha Ronson were in NYC yesterday.
This is what happens in a tough economy guys. Hot chicks shouldn’t be riding the train. They just shouldn’t. The train is for average Joes and ethnic minorities beatboxing. All the attractive women take cabs or magical unicorns who sing pop songs while escorting them to their destination.
I guess she might have been doing it ironically. She probably heard “run to the train” and got on her back all excited with her mouth open then had to be told that the train wasn’t running on her. Oh, the disappointment in her eyes would break your soul.
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Oct.01.2008 Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson get silly
From the Isle of Lesbos. Or Mexico. One of the two.
You would think that Lindsay Lohan would be the one deep-sucking the popsicle while Samantha Ronson looked on confused, but you’d be mistaken. That’s what’s great about the paparazzi: They really impart important lessons to you, the viewer.
Is there anything that looks less sexy in a bikini than Samantha Ronson by the way? She’s built like a praying mantis who runs marathons. There are literally millions of things I’d rather have sex with, including but not limited to a cartoon witch’s cauldron, that guy with the world’s longest fingernails, and apartheid.
Sep.11.2008 Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson to wed?
Some news outlet in Denmark is reporting that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are going to marry by end of year. And since I have no sort of journalistic integrity and like to believe that everything coming out of Denmark is true, let’s go with it.
Samantha, 31, who gave Lindsay a ‘commitment’ ring worth $22,000 earlier this year, let slip her happy news while DJing at exclusive Hollywood hotel Chateau Marmont.
She said: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson! Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”
Lindsay, 22, has made no secret of her love for Samantha – the sister of music producer Mark Ronson – in recent weeks, and dedicated Ray LaMontagne’s touching ballad ‘Trouble’ to her on her blog. Ray’s romantic track includes lyrics such as: “She gave me love and affection/I said I love her/She’s good to me” and “I’ve been saved by a woman/She won’t let me go/She won’t let me go now.”
Lindsay and Samantha first sparked rumours they were dating in March this year, and in May the ‘Mean Girls’ actress referred to the DJ as “my husband” at the Cannes Film Festival.
Man, I wish I were in Denmark. Then I could say all kinds of retarded made-up news and people would be like “Oh wow, that must be true because he’s from Denmark.” I’d be one of the best reporters ever if I didn’t have to do any actual reporting.
I do have to say though that, assuming that there’s a shred of truth in this in spite of the fact that Samantha Ronson’s quote seemed like it was written by someone with no grasp of the English language or Julius Caesar, lesbian marriages are not very sexy. A couple ladies getting intimate is totally cool. A foray into donut bumpery is totally cool. But a lifetime of commitment and that doucheass Ronson dressed in some hipster tuxedo at a wedding? You’d be hardpressed to find a way to kill my erection faster, unless you have an oversized mallet and my groin is readily accessible. In which case, touche.
[More images of the fantastic cleavage pictured above]
Aug.22.2008 Samantha Ronson receives painful reminder of Lindsay Lohan’s whorishness
It’s really awkward when you’re with a person you’re dating and you both run into one of their exes…imagine a cavalcade of them. You almost feel bad for Samantha Ronson. Almost.
Talk about awkward: Lindsay Lohan was celebrating the grand opening of West Hollywood club Apple Lounge with Samantha Ronson on August 14 when she ran into two ex-boyfriends - and an ex-girlfriend! “Lindsay chatted with her ex Harry Morton for a few minutes,” a witness explains about the first encounter. “Sam wasn’t thrilled.” Lindsay, 22, was there to support her live-in galpal, who was deejaying the event. But before the night was over, another of Lindsay’s exes, Calum Best, showed up, followed by former girlfriend Courtenay Semel. Although Lindsay’s rep says, “It wasn’t awkward for her to be with all of her exes,” a witness says, “That was definitely enough drama for Lindsay. She made sure the rest of the night was very mellow, drinking little as she smoked and stuck by Sam’s side.” “Lindsay reassured Sam,” a witness says, “by gently rubbing her lower back whenever they were alone.” Courtenay Semel dated Lindsay in late 2007, says an insider. Lindsay dated Calum Best for three months in 2007. Harry Morton romanced Lindsay in 2006.
I guess she has to know what she was getting into though when you start dating Lindsay Lohan. With how much dick, and vagina apparently, that she gets, it’d be impossible to not run into one of her exes. Thank God they didn’t go to Beijing for the Olympics or something. Not only would there be all the Olympians all like “Hey Lindsay remember when we boned in the alleyway” in various garbled, heavily accented dialects, but there’d be a billion Chinese people all talking about how they caught crabs from her. It’d be kind of disenchanting for the girl you love.
On the plus side, Lindsay seems to be completely allergic to bras. Seeing her in one is like seeing the Loch Ness monster…it’d be kind of cool to see it, but disconcerting all the same.
Aug.21.2008 Lindsay Lohan braless, still lezzing out
Amidst all the reports of Lindsay Lohan considering a return from the disappointingly unsexy shores of the Isle of Lesbos, she’s still hanging out with Samantha Ronson and, seemingly, still quite sapphic. On the plus side though, she’s back to not wearing a bra and showing off sideboob, so that’s fun for all sexual orientations (except the gay men, sorry fellas).
I really hope she starts to understand the value of a bra as she gets older because there’s going to come a point soon where those boobs aren’t going to be holding up so nicely. Gravity isn’t quite so kind, in spite of how important it is to my maintaining an erection. Damn you NASA, why can’t you make space travel affordable for the common man!!!
Aug.15.2008 Lindsay Lohan is only gay at convenient times
I’ve seen lesbians, researched them thoroughly across various anthropological films like “Girls Who Like Girls Part 7″ and I’ll tell you what…this Lindsay Lohan doesn’t sound like a real lesbian.
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson may be inseparable, but following weeks of arguments, friends tell OK! they fear that Linds will leave her DJ girlfriend — for a man.
Apparently LiLo has already been flirting with guys, and cracks are seem to be appearing in the relationship.
On August 5 at the Delano Hotel’s Florida Room, Lindsay, 22, cozied up to other men whenever Sam left her side.
“Lindsay was laughing and giggling with these guys,” an eyewitness tells OK!.
And earlier that day, guests at the Miami hotel witnessed the couple’s repeated clashes.
“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”
I almost feel bad for that stupid real lesbian Samantha Ronson. She’s all like “Hey I love vaginas” and Lindsay’s like “Yeah vaginas are cool I guess, sometimes” but Samantha’s like ALL ABOUT vaginas and Lindsay can kind of take or leave them so it’s kind of hard to have a relationship because relationships are all about common interests based around parts of your anatomy.
This kind of sounds like something planted by Samantha’s publicist or something though to make Lindsay look like a bitch. Which is unfair. Lesbian love shouldn’t be played out in tabloids, it should be played out by two drunken college girls in a setting where they giggle a lot and then feel kind of bad while a man steers them into the situation. Then you all vomit together the next day. That’s what woman on woman love is…beautiful, isn’t it?
Jul.18.2008 Lindsay Lohan is starting to look like her stupid girlfriend
Lindsay Lohan’s dyking has been well-established by this point. But now she’s blatantly stealing bits of her stupid super-lesbian, boyish girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s look.
The photos above and below were taken from the Sephora 10th Anniversary red carpet, which is pretty ironic considering that Ronson dresses like a 10 year-old Anthony Michael Hall. A bit of a stretch? Perhaps. But she’s ruining my Lindsay with her expert box munchery and suave lothario moves. One day we will meet in the fields or war, Samantha Ronson. I have no doubt that you are a noble warrior. But there can be only one. *cue kickass Black Sabbath music
