Oct.31.2008 Quote of the Day
A priest in Queens was using a confessional to pick up bitches. SUCCESSFULLY.
Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where [the priest, Father Elvis] Elano allegedly told her, “Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt.”
The two soon starting dating.
“They became intimate, engaging in sex,” says Laufer.
When Fr. Elvis left the building, he’d head to Rodriguez-Lytwyn’s home, where the two carried on a seven-month affair, one that had parishioners stunned.
“I can’t believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop,” said Dan Torpey, one of the church’s parishioners.
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Aug.26.2008 The August 26 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with good parenting
I think all sibling disputes should be solved with fights to the death. Good work mom!
-Garciella Barros is the hottest thing from Chile in a bikini
-Might be too soon for a Spain plane crash joke
-Hyori Lee will help revitalize your Asian fetish
-Lindsay Lohan loves fat Chicago Bear quarterbacks
-Victoria Silvstedt is still looking good
-A Nun Beauty Contest sounds like a great idea
-7 things you should miss about summer but probably won’t
-6 strange deaths from back in Biblical times
-Here’s what your cubicle would look like if you were homeless
-Denise Melani could best be described as “chesty”
-Three great reasons to watch the new 90210
-Is the SEC the best conference in college football?
Aug.20.2008 13 bobbleheads the world could have lived without
It’s my theory that one day, every man woman and child will have a bobblehead bearing their likeness. It seems like literally every single person with a modicum of fame or fictional character has a bobblehead with their face on it. But which ones lead a particularly egregious existence? Here’s some you can probably live without.
Meet the “Rally Rabbi” of the San Francisco Giants. Given out during a Jewish Heritage Night in 2006, the Rally Rabbi’s favorite past times include circumcisions and controlling the media. Unfortunately, the Giants ended up losing the game to the Cincinnati Reds with a score of 6-3, proving that the Rabbi’s shofar wasn’t the only thing that blew in the stadium that night.
No this isn’t just some slob who really likes DVDs mailed to him. This is the bobble version of Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. The story behind this bobblehead is that Hastings gave these out to all his employees in 2004, upon the signup of the two millionth Netflix customer. Which is pretty great for morale. “Hey, I could give all you guys bonuses, but screw it…here’s my fat .com ass in bobblehead form! Keep up the good work!” Why not just hand out free kicks to the groin next time, Reed?
This lil guy is from the Gilroy Garlic Festival in California, a yearly event which, in 2008, drew almost 110,000 people. And any love of garlic can be quickly dampened when you look at the horrible genetic mutations the festival creates, such as towel-wielding garlic monsters that look vaguely like Snorks clad in basketball uniforms. I’m onto your tricks, Gilroy. You’re like a garlicy Island of Dr. Moreau.
Yes for all you Charles Darwin lovers, finally you can stick it to creationists IN BOBBLE FORM! It just seems to belittle Darwin’s importance as a researcher when you have him bobbling around like he’s a common outfielder or something. And what’s up with the chimp? I get why that’d be there, but it really just makes him look like he’s Michael Jackson in the 80s.
Aug.19.2008 Most Americans think God heals better than doctors
I’m hardly like Science Joe over here, but even I find this a bit odd…more than half of Americans surveyed think that prayer can heal something doctors have said may be impossible to heal.
When it comes to saving lives, God trumps doctors for many Americans.
An eye-opening survey reveals widespread belief that divine intervention can revive dying patients. And, researchers said, doctors “need to be prepared to deal with families who are waiting for a miracle.”
More than half of randomly surveyed adults — 57 percent — said God’s intervention could save a family member even if physicians declared treatment would be futile. And nearly three-quarters said patients have a right to demand such treatment.
Dr. Michael Sise, trauma medical director at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego, called the study “a great contribution” to one of the most intense issues doctors face.
Sise, a Catholic doctor working in a Catholic hospital, said miracles don’t happen when medical evidence shows death is near.
“That’s just not a realistic situation,” he said.
I think the power of positive thinking can certainly be helpful when you’re facing a serious illness and, for many people, religion provides that. But the problem is that this isn’t the only application of “faith healing”…on the opposite end of the spectrum, people think that prayer can heal anything, like those parents who refuse care for their children because they only believe in religion. The power of positive thinking can only take you so far when you have golf ball-sized tumor on your skull. I’m not sure that stroking beads and kneeling before some guy who may be as real as Snuffalufagus will do a whole lot to solve that. Unless he actually is Snuffalufagus and can use his big trunk to suck the tumor out. But then that’d be a Godlike power, so would you worship Snuffalufagus? I’m not sure that I’m comfortable following the lead of some big extinct make-believe wooly mammoth who hangs out with some neurotic oversized bird. Unless he can turn waters into delicious alcohol…that’s important for my deities. I like magic!
Jun.20.2008 SHOCKING NEWS: Faith healing may not work
Some teenager died because his family believes in faith healing. Light-hearted fun story to kick off your day!
Authorities say a teenager from a faith-healing family died from an illness that could have been easily treated, just a few months after a toddler cousin of his died in a case that has led to criminal charges.
Tuesday’s death of 16-year-old Neil Beagley, however, may not be a crime because Oregon law allows minors 14 and older to decide for themselves whether to accept medical treatment.
An autopsy Wednesday showed Beagley died of heart failure caused by a urinary tract blockage.
He likely had a congenital condition that constricted his urinary tract where the bladder empties into the urethra, and the condition of his organs indicates he had multiple blockages during his life, said Dr. Clifford Nelson, deputy state medical examiner for Clackamas County.
“You just build up so much urea in your bloodstream that it begins to poison your organs, and the heart is particularly susceptible,” Nelson said.
This faith thing seems like one of those things that’s great in theory, slightly less so in practice. Like when I have sex with many women without a condom and just say a Hail Mary before sliding it in. It’s like, wow, I feel so much better spiritually when there isn’t a thin layer of latex between me and the good Lord. Less good spiritually when sarcoma pops out. But then better spiritually when I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight! Yay faith!
May.30.2008 Obama can’t catch a religious break
Just when Democratic presumptive nominee Barack Obama gets over his one minister situation, another one comes a-creepin’ up. Now another minister at an Obama church said silly things about race.
Another Chicago minister is causing headaches for Barack Obama after he told the congregation at the Democratic candidate’s church on Sunday that Hillary Clinton felt entitled to the presidency because she’s white.
Michael Pfleger, a Catholic priest, issued a formal apology for his sermon Thursday after Obama put out a statement saying he was “deeply disappointed” by Pfleger’s remarks at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.
“When Hillary was crying … I really don’t believe it was put on. I really believe that she just always thought ‘This is mine. I’m Bill’s wife. I’m white. And this is mine’,” he said, shouting at times. “Then out of nowhere came, ‘Hey I’m Barack Obama’. And she said, ‘Oh damn! Where did you come from? I’m white! I’m entitled! There’s a black man stealing my show’!”
After that, he simulated Clinton crying and then said: “She wasn’t the only one crying. There was a whole lot of white people crying … I’m sorry. I don’t wanna get you in any more trouble. The live streaming just went out again.”
It’s kind of funny. He has a black minister who turns out to be racist and crazy so he stops going there. Then he gets this white dude, and he says things that are also about whitey holding the black man down. Except he’s white. So it’s like…at what point does Barack Obama just go “ALRIGHT FUCK THIS CHURCH BULLSHIT”? Unless he is indeed a SECRET MUSLIM! Perhaps Jesus himself is putting these ministers up to this, then! Which is weird because you’d think Jesus would be liberal what with the sandals and scraggly facial hair and penchant for helping bums, but you’d be wrong.
May.14.2008 The Pope wants to fuck ET
The Catholic church is known for all kinds of crazy things. Well, even ideas that aren’t that crazy, I’m going to present as such. For example: The Vatican says there might be aliens.
Believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God, the Vatican’s chief astronomer said in an interview published Tuesday.
The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.
“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ’sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”
In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.
I guess it makes sense. This would open up many creative possibilities for the Catholic church. They have a relatively weak presence in certain less-civilized regions so, finally, a priest could fuck an ET and pretend it’s an Ethiopian boy. Everyone wins!
Xenu will not be pleased by the Catholics honing in on his turf. Would you cross a super badass extraterrestrial dictator who banished people to Earth? I sure wouldn’t. He’d probably hold his ray gun to your head and demand all kinds of favors. Earthly and galactic delights (i.e. space sodomy)? Now there’s a religious figure I can get behind.
