Aug.19.2008 The 7 awful movies that will prepare you the most for college

So I recently saw the awful trailer for the new movie College (BEWARE IF YOU CLICK THAT LINK…PARTIES AND GIRLS AND BOOZE AND MADCAP ADVENTURES AHOY!) and thought that many people, especially incoming freshman, may be mislead by that movie right as they’re starting to get on campus for the first time. College isn’t all about fun and excessive drinking. It’s about learning. There are so many college-themed movies out there…let’s take a look at the ones that will impart much needed wisdom to you before you hit the college campus.

Soul Man
Majors in: Theatre, Anthropology
Lessons to Learn: Blackface will help you achieve all of your academic dreams; Entitlement is a curse, not a blessing

I don’t care if you read the rest of this post, but if you do one thing for me ever, watch this clip above of C. Thomas Howell getting caught by his parents in his crazy scheme of acting black to get a college scholarship.

Yes, that’s right. The premise of Soul Man was that C. Thomas Howell was rich and privileged but, since his dad didn’t want to spend money on him any more and wouldn’t pay for his Harvard education, CTH had to pretend to be black for some reason to get a special scholarship. With a lot of bronzing pills and some “soul” in his voice, apparently people believe that he’s a black guy. Yeah. Honestly, the producers of this films should have to pay reparations for the fact that this film exists. Not just to black people, but to everyone who ever even saw the box art.

Higher Learning
Majors in: Ethnography
Lessons to Learn: We’re all different but beautiful; Lesbianism can find ways to be depressing

And now the other end of the racial spectrum…

There aren’t many movies that can combine the first theatrical appearance of critically acclaimed actress Tyra Banks with the musical stylings of Michael Rappaport, but fortunately, Higher Learning is indeed one (and, unless God is punishing us, the only).

The film is a drama, so there’s a lot of stuff going on, all in a crrrrrrazyyyyy couple months of college. For example, skinheads (oh you know how college is always filled with skinheads…college is a big place for radical conservatism) recruit Michael Rappaport since he’s lost in the “multicultural shuffle” of college; Kristy Swanson is date raped, then becomes a lesbian with Jennifer Connelly (not in the fun, let’s make out for attention way, but in the Lilith Fair way); and Omar Epps goes through a militant black stage before realizing he can be a black athlete and a student and blah blah there’s a lot of race stuff in here that wasn’t heavy handed at all.

With Honors
Majors in: Public Policy
Lessons to Learn: The homeless are valuable academic resources; Jheri curl tips from Patrick Dempsey

The tagline: If You Want a Degree, Go to Harvard. If You Want an Education, Go to Simon Wilder.

This film deserves a spot on the list for the poster alone. In the film, Joe Pesci plays a homeless guy (the Simon Wilder in the tag line) who lives in a boiler room at a Harvard library, only he’s smart and reads stuff and teaches important life lessons and doesn’t scream obscenities at me. Granted, I don’t hang out with many homeless people, but I find them to be less about debating professors about politics and more about crapping themselves and worrying about the satellites that are digging into their head because they saw aliens kill JFK. But that’s what college is all about…expanding your horizons.
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