Aug.13.2008 Women on the pill suck at picking men
Ever wonder why you find yourself with the wrong guy ladies? Turns out you may not just be stupid, but rather affected by your birth control pills.
Birth control pills could screw up a woman’s ability to sniff out a compatible mate, a new study finds.
While several factors can send a woman swooning, including big brains and brawn, body odor can be critical in the final decision, the researchers say. That’s because beneath a woman’s flowery fragrance or a guy’s musk the body sends out aromatic molecules that indicate genetic compatibility.
Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes are involved in immune response and other functions, and the best mates are those that have different MHC smells than you. The new study reveals, however, that when women are on the pill they prefer guys with matching MHC odors.
“The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors,” Roberts said.
This study really opened my eyes. Here I was thinking that the only type of pill that impaired women’s judgment were the ones I bought from that dude at a frat party but apparently my drug dealer Sparky was blatantly false-advertising. It’s shameful how much they get away with.
Anyway this is a genetic thing so there’s no real way to take advantage of it men, so don’t go running around dipping your genitals in tuna yet. Unless you have a cat. Then we call that love.
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Aug.11.2008 Eva Longoria and Hayden Panettiere went out
These photos are from something called the “Whaleman Foundation Benefit Dinner,” an event seemingly named for helping whales but it could also be named for Eva Longoria’s expanding waistline. Why do women always have to try to be so coy when they’re pregnant, like I’m not going to be able to tell or something. Even if I’m not totally sure, you’re still taking a trip to ol’ Doc Marten just to be safe, so you might as well just come clean. It’s better for everyone involved.
Jul.10.2008 Disgraced-ish reporter Lara Logan likes creampies
The bustiest foreign correspondent one can ask for, Lara Logan, was not only disgraced a couple weeks back by her whorish ways in Iraq, but now she’s gotten knocked up by one of the dudes she was stepping out with.
Lara Logan, the chief foreign affairs correspondent for CBS News, tells The Washington Post she is pregnant, and the father is a married federal contractor whom she met while stationed in Iraq.
Logan’s relationship with Joseph Burkett - who’s in the midst of a divorce from wife Kimberly, with whom he has a 3-year-old daughter - has made media headlines, including the front page of the New York Post.
Logan is going through a divorce from estranged husband Jason Siemon, a Chicago-based energy lobbyist whom she married in 1998.
“Nobody likes to read about themselves like that, especially the way it’s been sensationalized,” Logan, 37, told The Washington Post. “I hated it. But I’m just going to rise above it and keep going.”
Logan, whose pregnancy was unplanned, told the newspaper her due date is in January, and she’s “looking forward to being a mom.”
Since I’m a media expert, let me key you in on a little secret. “Whose pregnancy was unplanned” is always code for “couldn’t resist the lure of skin on skin and a load in her belly.” And, often but not always, “tragically lost the child” is code for “she ‘fell’ down the stairs when her lover ‘lost his grip.’” At least in my case. I can’t help it, my palms get so a-sweaty!
Anyway though I guess I can’t be surprised that Lara Logan is so insatiable over there in Iraq. There’s really nothing more of an aphrodisiac then sand, guys whose ballbags smell like onions, and suicide bombings. It’s just like a candlelit dinner in Paris!
Jul.02.2008 Ashlee simpson pregnant, large-breasted, kind of retarded looking
From..I dunno, a farm let’s say.
I have many problems with this image. For one, pregnant nipples: I don’t know whether to suckle them for eroticism or hunger. Two, what is that shit on her head? It’s like a rope or some sort of Native American princess crown. And three, she’s huge. Isn’t she like…a month pregnant? She’s built like a hippopotamus who is not only hungry, but also hungry. Ugh. Babies. Stop ravishing the youth of my starlets. YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON . SO HELP ME. SHE’S NOT BUILT TO BOUNCE BACK FROM SUCH THINGS.
[More images at Egotastic]
Jun.12.2008 Lindsay Lohan’s stomach is having problems
Apparently it’s for a movie role but I say it’s NOT.
I think a lot of people are going to overreact (keeping in mind we’re pretending that Lindsay Lohan has that bump for real and not for a movie role) but I think you have to applaud her courage. In our society, we tend to ostracize women for the choices they make. We claim that glass ceilings are no longer in place, but one needn’t look further than the media’s spin on the first viable female Presidential candidate and the “no you can’t” attitude perpetuated by them towards her campaign. So I salute Lindsay Lohan today and am proud of her. If she wants to be an Ethiopian, then dammit, we need to support her! I congratulate you on your newfound heritage Lindsay!
[More fakesies baby bump photos at WWTDD]
May.29.2008 Clay Aiken impregnates chick I don’t know
Do you like gay guys creating children? Today’s your lucky day!
TMZ has learned Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. In case you didn’t process that, Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy.
Here’s what we know. Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A.
We’re told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.
Don’t get your hopes up though (assuming you pin your hopes on fruits fucking women and reproducing). TMZ is also saying it was artificial insemination. Probably not done with Clay’s turkey baster. No way he’d ever eat turkey again.
Also how did this 50 year-old bitch get pregnant? I thought after like 40, or at least 45, your womb turned into like an old attic with cobwebs and my crazy retarded cousin Merle to whom we feed garbage and fish heads because fuck him, he doesn’t know what’s going on, though he’s oddly skilled at Guitar Hero. That’s part of why my Presidential platform is going to include mandatory extermination for all women over 46 who can’t bake me delicious cookies. Now I don’t even know what issues I’m running on. Fuck you Clay Aiken.
May.16.2008 Teacher makes students do awesome list
Far be it from me to question a teacher’s lesson plans, but I’m thinking asking sixth graders to vote on who will be the most likely to get pregnant or HIV or go to jail or be poor might not be the best curriculum for a science class.
A sixth-grade science teacher at Chastain Middle School could face disciplinary action for forcing a class to list the students most likely to die before 19 and most likely to get pregnant before they graduate from high school.
Teacher Roshondra Sipp on Monday told the students to fill out a paper with questions such as who in the class is most likely to contract AIDS/HIV, go to jail and be poor, Curtis Lyons said. His daughter is in Sipp’s class.
Jackson Public Schools apologized to students and parents Wednesday, saying an “inexperienced teacher” used “poor professional judgment.” JPS did not name the teacher.
Lyons was told by his daughter the class of about 19 students did not want to do the assignment, but Sipp insisted. After the students gave the teacher the answers, she tallied the totals and put them on the wall, Lyons said.
Lyons said his daughter was listed as the fifth most likely to become pregnant in high school.
“That’s when they began to make fun of each other,” he said. “This is just ignorant. It shows that not only is there a need to educate our students, but we need to better educate our teachers.”
Lyons said it was not clear if the assignment was meant to motivate students to do better or if it was meant as a joke. He said the assignment could negatively impact the students’ performance on the Mississippi Curriculum Test, which began Tuesday.
I guess that might make sense if this is some sort of longitudinal psychological study in which you determine if having these children vote for their most likely candidate made the winners any more or less likely to actually complete the tasks. Like a scavenger hunt in which the prize is AIDS or a fetus. But that’s not much of a prize at all. What an awful scavenger hunt. Who organized this? It’s like that time I was bobbing for apples at a Boy Scout retreat and the prize was a blindfold and some sort of meat flavored lollipop. It’s like my mouth was already all sore from bobbing for apples, but then to force my face onto some prize I didn’t really want, I dunno. And there wasn’t even like a Tootsie Roll in the middle. It didn’t even melt away! It just like shot some sort of gooey bleach down my trachea. Waiiiiiiiiiiit…oh…oh nooo. I’m guessing they weren’t really taking my temperature either. Sigh. At least I got to wear short shorts.
My childhood traumas aside, they’re poor black kids in Mississippi. Let’s be real here, they probably celebrated their triumphant showings in the polls with their newborn babies by doing some intravenous drug use. It’s nice to pretend that everyone has a great chance at leading a productive life, but welcome to reality, kids. Perhaps that was the lesson the science teacher wanted to impart most of all. A lesson about tempering expectations.
[Thanks to the lovely Dena for the tip]
