Nov.17.2008 Quote of the Day
An awesome article is in the Daily Mirror in the UK today about how Barack Obama’s day-to-day life will change now that he’s President (i.e stuff a President gets, can no longer do, etc). From that article comes this:
At one time, the President and Vice-President were given three-inch-high models of the Washington Monument to put beside their beds. They had simply to knock them over to summon the guards.
But the models were abandoned after Vice-President Dan Quayle - noted for being clumsy - knocked his over late one night while making love to his wife.
In seconds, the door burst open, the lights went on and Mrs Quayle was thrown out of bed to the floor as bodyguards flocked around her husband to ensure his safety.
[via]
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Nov.10.2008 Have you ever wanted to insert Barack Obama inside of you?
Well sir and/or madame, here’s your chance! The new “Head O State” dildo offers all of the hot Barack Obama action without any of the Obama mess!
I can think of no more appropriate gift to give your loved one who wouldn’t shut up about how Obama is going to save the world than this 7 1/2 inch Barack Obama dildo. It even comes in two colors, “Democratic Blue” and “Presidential Gold”. I don’t understand why there wouldn’t be “Racial Equality Brown” but whatever. I also don’t understand why you’d want to shove Obama head first into your orifice of choice, but who am I to judge.
For the record, if you visit the site selling the dildos, keep in mind how majorly unfunny the little slogans on there are. I swear, if there’s anything less funny than someone in the sex industry making jokes, I haven’t seen it. Is it too much to ask for the slogan “Yes We Cunt!” to be somewhere on there?
Nov.07.2008 The Ukraine Prime Minister outMILFs any other politician
I was perusing ye olde Reddit today and saw this photo of Ukraine Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko.
Naturally, I was intrigued.
After some additional research, I think it’s safe to say that this former Soviet minx is the finest woman to ever do anything even tangentially related to politics. From her Wiki:
Prior to her political career, Yulia Tymoshenko was a successful but controversial businesswoman in the gas industry, which made her wealthy. Tymoshenko first became Prime Minister in 2005 between January 24 and September 8. She was elected again as PM on December 18, 2007 and is considered a possible candidate for the President of Ukraine in 2010.[5][6] Following the 2008 Ukrainian political crisis President Yushchenko announced Ukraine’s third general election in less than three years[7]. The elections will be held December 7, 2008.[8][9] Yulia Tymoshenko has no intention to resign[10] until new coalition is formed[11]
She’s also the equivalent of a PhD in Ukraine, making her far less of a retard than certain former Vice Presidential candidates. Her policies could involve spitting on my mother and converting adorable puppies to fuel and I’d just giggle and play with my hair.
So yes, ogle away at this Ukrainian piece of tail. And if you have any additional pics of her that I may have missed, send it along to our tips email…I feel as though she may warrant additional follow-up wink wink. By which I mean masturbation. To her photos. By me.
Nov.05.2008 Quote of the Day
Well if you haven’t heard this small news item, Barack Obama became our President last night. And yeah, this is usually a funny quote or something, but hey, you only see a black guy elected to the highest office in the country so often.
If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.
[full transcript of his speech here]
Nov.04.2008 Finally, a viable write-in candidate
If you’re like me, you may like one candidate more than the other but mayyyybe don’t want to lose all of your income to give to welfare and the poor (what can I say, I’m a wealthy and powerful man). Well, finally, we have a viable candidate.
I would absolutely cast a vote for adorable puppies. They’d probably shit themselves less than John McCain would and are probably less likely to bite you than Joe Biden. Win/win!
Less slobber than Trig Palin too. Aw.
Nov.03.2008 The 6 cartoons most likely to make you get out and vote
It’s that time of the year where everyone casts a vote for a candidate but, more importantly, casts their support for democracy. But if all the celebrity endorsements and media blitz weren’t enough to make you run out and place a vote for either of the two Presidential candidates, maybe these cartoons might make you see the importance of getting out and voting.
South Park
Episode: Douche or Turd
Lesson: Turd sandwiches make viable political candidates; Your vote doesn’t matter
In this pre-2004 Presidential Election episode, South Park Elementary’s mascot, the Cow, has been deemed inappropriate by PETA. So the school decides to elect a new mascot with candidates created by the students. This leads to a campaign being run by a Turd Sandwich and a Giant Douche.
And it featured a call to action from Diddy to Stan to get out and vote.
At the end of the episode, Stan decides to vote for Turd Sandwich. But then, the school opts to just use the Cow mascot again instead of the Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich, meaning Stan’s vote was completely meaningless. Kind of like being someone trying to vote for Al Gore in Florida in 2000.
While I would hate to dispute the credentials of Turd Sandwich, I’d have to question his existence in the first place. A Giant Douche has its uses…after all, women in the WNBA have to be cleaned somehow. But a Turd Sandwich? Why that doesn’t sound delicious at all, sir.
The Simpsons
Episode: Treehouse of Horror VII’s “Citizen Kang”
Lesson: Democracy just doesn’t work, particularly when aliens are involved
Loveable aliens (well, as loveable as someone trying to destroy our planet can be) Kang and Kodos decide that the best way to enslave all Earthlings is by taking over for Presidential candidates Bob Dole and Bill Clinton. Here’s how Kang, in the form of Bob Dole, won votes at a pre-election stump speech.
Unfortunately Kang’s promises of miniature flags never came to fruition as, instead, upon winning the election (yes, Bob Dole won the election…I know, that’s a bit far-fetched even for a cartoon), he opted to enslave all of the Earthlings to build a laser to attack another planet. Which sounds illogical until you realize that it undoubtedly saved us an attack from Neptunian terrorists and their weapons of mass destruction.
Nov.03.2008 Your definitive Sarah Palin video
We’re coming down to the wire here in the US with our Presidential election so here’s a reminder of what you can vote for tomorrow.
I think it’s so cute how she tries to be smart and poignant. It’s like watching a dog chase its tail. Or a retarded kid trying to not eat the soap. Yeah, you’d like to think it’ll succeed, but odds are it’ll end up just dizzy and vomiting on the floor. And who has to clean that up? America. That’s right America, if people vote a certain way tomorrow, you’ll be cleaning up a retard’s soap puke. Just think about it.
