Oct.16.2008 The 11 dumbest things cartoons have taught us
Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.
Swimming in a pool of gold coins
Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he’d dive into his money pit and splash around. He’d even take coins into his mouth and spit them back up. Take a look:
You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly…that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jello.
Abandoning your children
Look at that photo of Dora the Explorer above…you know what you see up there other than Dora? A ball, a drum, a baseball bat, even a freaking monkey. You know what you don’t see? PARENTAL SUPERVISION. And this is what happens:
As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap…go explore!” How the fuck do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.
Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious
The Ninja Turtles would always be eating pizza, which is bad enough for you healthwise. But then they’d throw stuff like peanut butter, taco meat, butter, baby seal, I dunno….human brains maybe…on there. You know what’s good on pizza? Like maybe 10 things on Earth. Pizza places aren’t terrified of change or something, there’s just stuff that goes well on pizza and stuff that doesn’t. Unfortunately, your car keys weren’t meant to go with sauce and mozzarella, Ninja Turtles. And yes, I’m looking at you McDonald’s pizza.
The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them in the clip above. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated 4 minutes ago?
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Sep.05.2008 The 9 most eerily cultlike kids shows
These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.
Fraggle Rock
Aired: HBO, 1983-87
Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda
The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo. He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into “dream sharing” together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep). And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the “out there” Fraggle. In this clip, he’s daring to fly.
Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional. So dismissive they are. Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that’s a sacrifice you can afford to make.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996
Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them
A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives). Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.
Donatello could have been a great scientist. Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President. Raphael could have been a famous personality. Michaelangelo…was kind of a retard, but he’d have figured it out. They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O’Neil would through them a pity boning.
On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon. Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.
Power Rangers
Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again…1993-wow this thing is still going
Cult interests: Robots saying “ay yay yay”, bad voice dubbing
This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal. They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent. But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow. I mean look at Zordon, the floating talking head in question, in his glory in this oddly enrapturing clip below.
Look at him, all floaty. Dreamlike. Who wouldn’t be sucked into that? Plus I’d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you’re the black dude). Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and oversized monster, seems like a sweet deal. You have to wonder though what the Rangers’ Angel Grove was like before all this. Were the monsters just integrated in society? What was Zordon up to? I’m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.
Jun.27.2008 Prostitute trades her pimp for pizza
Via Fark comes this charming tale of classy people doing classy things. A judge bought a whore a pizza to reveal her pimp to the court.
When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza.
So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent someone to pick up a $5 personal pizza at the Downtown Donato’s and let Brunelle eat it in court.
The pizza was Brunelle’s reward for telling Allen who her pimp was, information Allen used to have the alleged pimp - Jason Lee - arrested.
“I felt that a pizza for a pimp was a good (trade),” the judge said Thursday.
“She was all ecstatic and she said, ‘Oh yeah, you owe me a pizza,’ ” Allen said.
Allen was pleased to pay up.
“I wish other prostitutes would come forward and reveal their pimps. Pizza is cheaper than what we pay for undercover (investigations). Of course, you understand I’m being facetious,” the judge said.
The fuck? A $5 personal pizza? This dick couldn’t even spring for a full pie for this poor cum dumpster who lost the main man in her life? And isn’t this illegal somehow? He totally bribed her to get her to give up info. That seems kind of messed up, even if the stakes are low and the pimp is a scumbag. On the other hand, pizza is pretty delicious. I had a lot of it last night. AND I didn’t have to sell out the guy who made me suck dicks for money. Point Chris!
