Nov.18.2008 We’ve all got something to prove
I know comic fans hate when something is taken completely out of context but COME ON. Check out the plight of the Green Lantern in this panel.
I think we can all relate to what he’s dealing with here. Just because you’re a guy with a van who likes to collect Pokemon cards and maybe you like to drive laps around certain elementary schools and ask kids for directions for places that don’t exist or wear a wispy mustache and load up on cases and cases of Flintstones Chewable Roofies doesn’t make you a child molester. It makes you prepared. Like a boy scout. A yummy yummy boy scout.
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Nov.11.2008 The 9 most disturbingly misogynistic old print ads
You may find it hard to believe, but apparently women were treated with some sort of disrespect by advertisers at one point in history. Here are nine of the most bizarre and anti-woman ads ever.
This is the only foreign ad of the bunch but it’s an ad for tampons that, for some reason, indicates that a good usage is to tie a dead fish to your tampon string. Now, I’m no gynecologist (well, not professionally at least; I dabble in amateur work), but I could imagine that hanging a fish from your cooch won’t help your vaginal situation. In fact, it may make it worse. Much worse. Especially for the fish. I’m pretty sure that’s how Flounder from the Little Mermaid died.
If I had a dollar for every time I had to spank a woman for not getting me fresh Sanka, I’d have…many…dollars. It was always kind of awkward when I was living with my mom though.
The only way that this is a justifiable gift is if he were regularly slapping her in the face because she was such an awful cook. Because then while a “Chef” is a shitty gift, her real gift is less black eyes. And filing less police reports. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.
In related news, whenever a girl lets me blow something in her face, I’m more inclined to follow her everywhere.
Oct.22.2008 The 8 best Halloween stickers for the savvy sex offender
Recently, Maryland passed a law saying that all sex offenders must display a sticker, pictured here, that says “No candy at this residence” in order to keep kids away on Halloween night. But what about the sex offenders looking for a little variety? Maybe they should try these stickers on for size.
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Oct.13.2008 Pedobear is the greatest thing on the Internet ever
I’m pretty up on the Internet meme of the moment generally speaking but, somehow, the phenomena of Pedobear had escaped me. Fortunately, with a little bit of effort and research, I present to you, the general public…Pedobear. In all his majesty.
Background: Pedobear began over at 4chan, which is basically the Internet meme’s big brainstorming session (see: I Can Has Cheezburger), around this time last year. On the most basic level, Pedobear is pedophilia manifested into a child-digestible, yet completely absurd, visage. There’s a whole subtext, I’m sure, attached to the idea of an adorable children’s toy committing complete atrocities of rape and molestation of children across the globe. People wearing ascots studying English across the globe could certainly dissect the symbolism and how Pedobear’s representation says something about a loss of innocence for young adults today typical of a society that simultaneously pays too much, and too little, attention to its youth. It’s also just funny to think about a cute cartoon teddy bear vigorously diddling unsuspecting minors. And it appeals to pedophile furries, a much neglected niche I’m sure. So it works on three levels.
I seriously can’t commend 4chan enough for this brilliance. Pedophilic behavior in the form of a character that could easily fit in on some generic Nickelodeon show about some neglected children having adventures that would absolutely kill them in real life. Eloquently executed. I applaud you, heroes of the Internet.
My favorite is the first one below (click through to see it animated), along with a bunch of others of the best around the Internet.
[For even more, check out Pedobear.org]
Sep.02.2008 Mister Rogers is off your TV
You know how Fred “Mister” Rogers died seven years ago? Well, his show was still on the air…until this upcoming week.
But news that, starting Monday, “Mister Rogers” will disappear from the schedules of many PBS stations—including WTTW-Ch. 11 in Chicago, as well as stations in Los Angeles and apparently New York—has legions of parents and other fans lamenting what they see as a timeless show’s end.
They are wondering, as Mr. Rogers himself might say: What do you do with the mad that you feel?
“It sucks, man,” said Brian Linder, a South Carolina writer who grew up watching the show on a wood-paneled television and now watches it on a flat-screen TV with his twin daughters. “That’s not a Mr. Rogers thing to say. But maybe in this case he’d even say it.”
“You’ve never seen Mr. Rogers’ face on a diaper,” Linder said. But that also means that only a handful of episodes are available on DVD, and just a few clips—like an episode where Mr. Rogers learns about break dancing—are on YouTube.
Yes, that’s Mister Rogers breakdancing above. I uh, don’t exactly know what to make of it. I think property values in his Neighborhood must be taking a nosedive. Call it a hunch.
I don’t know that I’d agree about Mister Rogers saying it sucks. If you reached him for comment, he’d probably say “——”…because he’s not alive. Anyway there’s more in the article about how people want to save the show and how in response PBS is going to ramp up Mister Rogers’ Web site. I say they should just recast a generic pedophile in the role and see what happens. Ideally he can tie his shoes and, so long as you keep a Lecter mask on him in between takes, not diddle the children too profusely. TV is easy.
Aug.06.2008 Pedophiles get the best ice cream
Via Buzzfeed comes today’s awesomeness, a new Breyer’s campaign that leaves me a little perplexed.
All I can say is that I hope that Breyer’s was able to execute this campaign without going over budget. The last time someone had me posed like that when I was a child, it took a shitload of Ninja Turtles toys and one hell of a VW van. Only difference is that I was the popsicle in that situation :-(.
Jul.09.2008 The July 9 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with poker in the rear
-Kimberly Lansing is the hottest thing to ever play poker
-A tribute to a Navy SEAL (w/ video)
-A plea to stop with the hot dog eating contests
-Jessica Simpson was sad that Pamela Anderson didn’t like her meat eating
-Judges announced for Miss Universe pageant
-Dude loves bananas, totally touches kids where the bathing suit is
-A tree that looks like a naked chick and more in this amazing photo gallery
