The hottest orgy with a passed out guy

–What do you do with a drunk, passed out Milwaukee Brewers fan? Other than rape him, I guess (w/ video). [Busted Coverage]

–The Batmobile from the first Batman movie was on sale on eBay. And parked in someone’s driveway. [Tasty Booze]

–Paris Hilton has a toy in Europe. Not the Stupid Spoiled Whore line, unfortunately. [The Superficial]

–British kids take over Spanish town, have sex with clowns. [Don Chavez]

–Ashlee Simpson’s pregnant cleavage is doing well. [Egotastic]

Paris Hilton said Kim Kardashian’s ass is gross then apologized. This is very important news.

Paris Hilton has apologized to Kim Kardashian after insulting her former best friend’s most famous asset. “I would not want [Kim's butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”

However, after a portion of the Kim-bashing interview was posted on perezhilton.com, a devastated Paris realized she went too far.

“I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke,” Paris tells In Touch exclusively. “I felt really bad afterward, so I contacted Kim and apologized. It was a silly thing to say. Kim’s hot!”

Kim accepts the apology, telling In Touch, “Paris and I have been friends since we were kids and I’m glad she made the effort to say she’s sorry.”

Well, it’s completely true that Kim’s ass is ridiculous. Some would say couchlike. And by some, I mean me. It’s just kind of huge and unwieldy. I imagine that turning around quickly would often comically knock over everything behind you. After a lifetime of that, I imagine it becomes less comically befuddled and more obnoxious. Like stop breaking my lamps all the time with your Mario Mushroom Kingdom ass.

Then again, Paris Hilton probably couldn’t talk since her cooch is so big you can literally wear her as a Girl Hat. Ooh…that sounds like a viable product! It’d be totally warm AND snug! PATENT PENDING.

I kinda realize I’ve been writing about Paris Hilton a lot lately, but it seems like the celebrity stuff is kind of light lately. So whatever. Anyway she has awful feet.

She’s not one to shy away from attention of any sort, but not even Paris Hilton would be pleased that all eyes were on her rather peculiar feet yesterday.

The heiress’ huge size 11s attracted attention for all the wrong reasons - they looked exceptionally bony and sinewy as she hit the street in a silver pair of ballet flats in LA yesterday.

Paris has previously bemoaned her super sized feet, saying: “Yeah, it sucks, because I see all these super cute shoes in the stores: Guccis, YSLs, Manolos. And when they bring them out in my size, they look like clown shoes.”

It’s not even like clown feet to me. Her feet look like a wise old tree that would speak to you in a fairy tale and tell you to not enter the Enchanted Forest of Gabrathal.

It also kind of bothers me that her foot is more muscular than I am. I guess I should feel so bad, because there’s also more muscular than like Lou Ferrigno too. Her feet might very well strangle you in your sleep in a fit of roid rage.

I’m pretty good at headlines. In reality, Benji Madden had to back out a gig because Paris Hilton made him go out the night before. Read on for more excitement!

BENJI Madden and Paris Hilton have caused ripples in Las Vegas by snubbing a children’s charity so they could party into the night.

Sources have revealed exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Las Vegas club, Prive, hired the Good Charlotte guitarist to DJ, with a standard contractual non-compete agreement, which means he is not allowed to appear at any nightclubs the evening prior.

But it seems Benji and Paris couldn’t help themselves and went out the night before, violating his contract, and cancelling the agreement, which means no money for the sick kids.

When asked why he violated his agreement he said, “I feel awful but i didnt know what to do, I’m crazy about this girl,” a source told Perez Hilton.

A rep for the club told PerezHilton.com exclusively, “While Prive Las Vegas is a fan of the Madden brothers and the charity, they had no other choice but to cancel his appearance as we take our agreements very seriously. Luckily we had a rockin’ packed Saturday night despite Benji’s absence.”

I guess sleeping with Paris Hilton is pretty cool, especially if you enjoy new things like little bugs pole vaulting all around your genitals, but it’s kind of screwed up to stand up an event with proceeds that are supposed to go to a charity in your family’s name.

At the same time, sick kids never really lead to me getting laid. So fuck them for trying to take away a good situation I have for me to get laid. I’ll kick their little adorable Hello Kitty canes over to get some tail. What did they ever do for me other than cough on me? Little bastards.

A week after Paris Hilton wore a ring with Benji Madden’s initials (which was not to show her love for Bowel Movements, as previously thought), Benji Madden is strolling around town with a ring reading “PH”.

After his new girl-about-town Paris Hilton rocked a glittery B-is-for-Benji Madden pendant and “BM” ring over the weekend, Madden stepped out Monday with his own love-dedicated bling: a “PH” ring on his ring finger. The couple that shines together also parties together, with Hilton, 27, throwing her beau a birthday celebration (Madden turned 29 Tuesday) at club LAX in Las Vegas on Sunday.

It’s kind of stupid, but I can’t say I’m not guilty of the same thing. I wear a ring with my girlfriend’s initials on it all the time. Me and Cristina Urbina Nuñez Tierra are very happy together and I don’t foresee a time that it’ll ever change. She’s Latina!