Oct.10.2008 The 7 most delightfully perverse toy commercials
As a child, there’s so much that goes over your head. For example, look at these seven commercials that you might not think much of as a kid that now seem a little, shall we say, off.
Mr. Bucket has a love-hate relationship with your balls
I don’t really get how this game would be fun in any situation (here, put these balls in a bucket…HAHA IT FELL OUT, what fun!) but Mr. Bucket makes it seem captivating. And vaguely like a dog in a bathtub.
It’s so whimsical the way he requests balls being put in any open orifice. Singing and dancing around, just begging for you to toss them inside of him. It’s like hanging out with the male members of the cast of Rent at their show afterparties.
The Hulkamania Workout Set will make you get sweaty and shirtless with grown men
Hulkamania was a big thing for kids in the 80s. Hulk Hogan taught life lessons, won championships, did copious amounts of steroids…so of course the then-WWF wanted to pass his ideologies onto kids. Through the Hulkamania Workout Set (in a commercial that, oddly, didn’t feature Hulk Hogan, but rather his archnemesis, Paul Orndorff).
I can only imagine this boy’s father coming in to the room at the end of the commercial…
“Son, why is there a giant hole in the wall? And a shirtless man? And why are you also shirtless? Oh you’re just working out…whew! Welp, back to the living room, where I drink copiously and ignore any loud noises. Parenting is hard!”
The Baby Wee-Wee loves indecent exposure
There have been a ton of dolls that pee. I guess that’s fine enough because kids like dolls that excrete things like urine or vomit or blood or chocolate sauce for whatever reason. But this commercial just leaves no mystery to how things work.
So if you’ve ever wanted to see a child doll’s penis leaking fake urine, congratulations! You can now cross that off your Mr. Bucket list. I don’t know why it’s so cute when a doll does it though. Every time I pull down my pants in front of grade schoolers it’s a “problem” and “arrest” and often “prison sentence” followed by a “Megan’s Law”. These injustices will not be forgotten.
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Oct.09.2008 Angelina Jolie and Hot Pockets are sitting in a tree
When she was pregnant, Angelina Jolie was apparently extremely gay for Hot Pockets. Which is ironic because her adopted kids tend to have a stomach the size of one.
After giving birth to twins, Angelina Jolie had a difficult time putting the breaks on the high-calorie pizzas, Hot Pockets, french fries and ice cream she consumed during her pregnancy, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now.
Her snacking got so bad that a source close to Jolie’s French Ob-Gyn, Michel Sussman, tells Us that he instructed her to eat more nutritiously. (She said junk food is “their family’s weakness” and even joked about Brad Pitt having a pregnant belly, says the source.)
What is it about pregnancy that turns even the finest, most elegant women around into complete white trash? “HOT POCKETS, PICKLES WITH CHOCOLATE MAYONNAISE PLEASE, I WANT IT FRIED TOO!” That may have been more to blame for Britney Spears’ downfall than any other factor. Something about a succubus inside of you eating away all of your womanly essence just does a bit of damage.
I’ve also come up with a new theory that Angelina Jolie is secretly hoping to become Captain Planet. She’s assembling kids of diverse ethnicities. Next step is the rings. Then, BAM, one blue paintjob and she’s set.
Sep.24.2008 Clay Aiken is gay. Please pick your jaw up from the ground.
I’m genuinely shaken right now. Apparently the butch, womanizer Clay Aiken has been misleading us all. The cover story of the latest issue of People magazine reveals that yes, he is gay.
The born-again Christian singer also reveals how he told his mother Faye he’s gay four years ago. After dropping off his younger brother Brett, who was being deployed to Iraq, at Camp Lejeune, “I started crying in the car,” Aiken remembers. “It was dark. I was sitting there, thinking to myself. I don’t know why I started thinking about it … I just started bawling. She made me pull over the car and it just came out.”
So what was his mom’s reaction? “She started crying. She was obviously somewhat stunned. But she was very supportive and very comforting.” Even now, Aiken admits, “She still struggles with things quite a bit, but she’s come a long way.”
As for his own child, Aiken tells PEOPLE that Parker – who was conceived via in vitro fertilization with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster – will be raised in an environment that is “accepting and allowing him to be happy.”
Says Aiken: “I have no idea if he’ll be gay or straight. It’s not something I’ll have anything to do with, or that he’ll have anything to do with. It’s already probably up inside the code there … No matter what the situation you’re in, if you’re raised in a loving environment, that’s the most important thing.”
It’s true, Clay will be providing a loving environment. For example, he’ll be loving cock, he’ll be loving strange sex in restrooms with men he met online, he’ll be loving unprotected sex with the black UPS driver who keeps looking at him funny but can’t quite come to grips with his homosexuality, he’ll be loving interior decorations, and he’ll also be loving anal creampies (YEAH, TAKE THAT IMAGERY MOTHERFUCKERS).
Eh, he’ll probably be a fine dad though. A healthy love of cock doesn’t mean someone’s not going to be able to be a good parent; look no further than your mother and father for a great example. And he’s probably loaded out the ass (pardon my word usage) from his incessant gigs in Vegas and loyal fanbase. Maybe he’ll lose a few midwestern housewives, whatever. But there’s nothing wrong with being this generation’s vaguely Downs-y version of Barbara Streisand and being okay with who you are.
See, tolerance. I have it.
Sep.04.2008 PALINWATCH: How to earn a VP nomination
Don’t worry, I’m not going to make the switch to a politics blog; this is probably the last Palin update for a while (unless she has a sex tape or something in which case, reluctant schwiiiiing). A hilarious image from Palin’s speech last night a the Republican National Convention. Now that’s how you teach your child an important lesson about humility, love, and treating a war hero respect. You did know John McCain was a war hero right? I know, it hasn’t been mentioned nearly enough.
“Sure sweetie, it looks big and black, but once you’ve had one, you’ve had ‘em all. Now watch mommy earn her way to the White House!”
[Source]
Aug.28.2008 The August 28 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a big leap
I like when a video features someone succeeding…check out this leap of someone off a balcony into a pool
-Kate Moss is naked and kinda saucy (NSFW)
-The Repo Man loves America right now, so sayeth Stephen Colbert (w/ video)
-The signs in sports and the gentlemen who hold them
-A reminder of why Internet message boards can be problematic
-Lucy Pinder and Danielle Marsh are friends with boobs
-You don’t need to know Valerie’s last name to appreciate how a bikini can’t contain her assets
-Erin Andrews is a big fan of Cocks. The college football team. Also, male genitalia
-Awesome cars to tailgate with
-College girls in bikinis sure seem to enjoy their beer bongs
-Help pick the new Toronto Raptors cheerleaders
-Mother-daughter porn sounds like fun
-Advertising anal rape on a billboard seems a bit odd
Aug.26.2008 Today’s “Rare case when spousal abuse is acceptable”
It’s always a sucky feeling when you try to do something nice for someone and it ends up failing spectacularly…see: what happened to the Holmes family and their trip to Disney World.
When Tracy Holmes of Belleville sold three DVDs for $10 at her garage sale Aug. 15, she thought she was doing well. She was getting rid of some movies that she and her husband hadn’t watched in a long time and making a little money as well.
About a week later, when her husband, Fred Holmes, asked her what had happened to the DVD of “Sin City,” she suddenly felt sick.
Her husband had been secretly saving up money, at least $1,200 so far, for a Christmas family trip to Disney World in Florida for the couple and their three children, Nick, 11, Trevor, 7, and Isabella, 2.
“He thought apparently (the DVD case) was a great spot to hide it from me, and it was,” Holmes said. “I didn’t think to look there.”
“My kids are pretty upset about the whole thing, and I feel just heartsick,” Tracy Holmes said. “It’s always been a dream of mine to go to Disney World at Christmas.”
Well I know banks are going through problems right now but I hardly think the DVD industry should be considered as an alternative for your savings.
That’s a really heartwrenching story though. You know what else is pretty heartwrenching? I’ve got these five passes to a first-class trip to Disney World and no one to use it on. Say…waitaminute…
*lights fire
I am slightly warmer now! Thanks cavemen for bringing the wonderful gift of fire to us all!
Aug.26.2008 The August 26 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with good parenting
I think all sibling disputes should be solved with fights to the death. Good work mom!
-Garciella Barros is the hottest thing from Chile in a bikini
-Might be too soon for a Spain plane crash joke
-Hyori Lee will help revitalize your Asian fetish
-Lindsay Lohan loves fat Chicago Bear quarterbacks
-Victoria Silvstedt is still looking good
-A Nun Beauty Contest sounds like a great idea
-7 things you should miss about summer but probably won’t
-6 strange deaths from back in Biblical times
-Here’s what your cubicle would look like if you were homeless
-Denise Melani could best be described as “chesty”
-Three great reasons to watch the new 90210
-Is the SEC the best conference in college football?
