Nov.19.2008 The 16 best “creepy old man” photobombs
It’s not easy being a guy posing for a photo (take a look at this list for proof). But it’s even worse when you’re an older man trying to be a part of young women’s world. Most of the time you’ll end up coming off as nothing more than a creepy old man ruining a perfectly good photo…and probably their night.
*Note: All of these photos were tagged on a photosharing site with some variety of “creepy old man”, so these are definitely all legit.
The tag on this photo was something to the effect of “That creepy old guy who kept staring into Ali’s eyes”. If your skin looks like poorly marinated beef jerky, you may want to realize that gawking at younger tail isn’t a good way to appear like a well-adjusted older man. Or sane.
Staring dreamily at someone is cool if you’re a cute teenage girl. When you’re an old man with a full mustache, you merely look like you’re pondering how good their stuffed head will look above your mantle.
Sneaking a peak is okay. Everyone does it. But what you don’t want to do is get caught and immortalized forever on some Web site. On the plus side, no doubt that image went into that old man’s spank bank for at least a month while his hideous wife castrated him about not taking care of the lawn gnomes.
There’s nothing worse than coming up behind someone and sniffing them gently when you don’t know them. Especially when you’re the age of their grandfather. I’ll give you a hint…unless this girl has an absolutely awful fetish that would shame anyone she’s ever known, she would never want to sneak a glimpse at your gross old man taffy balls.
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Oct.29.2008 Teen goes to jail for making grandmother do gangsta rap
Some stupid kid decided it’d be a good idea to dress his grandmother up as a gangsta rapper and yell, I dunno, gangsta rapper things while flashing a gun and money. It wasn’t.
Michael Alfinez, 18, from Lake Worth, Florida, was jailed for 18 months after he admitted to abusing the elderly and various firearms charges.
The footage showed Marie Huertas, 85, wearing a full black balaclava and, after repeated instructions, uttering a number of gangsta rap phrases that included expletives.
A sheriff’s report said Alfinez had admitted dressing up his grandmother and persuading her to flash a gun and money at the camera.
According to the report, when a detective showed Miss Huertas the video, she said: “They are making a criminal out of me.” She said she was ashamed and didn’t normally use that type of language.
I could see why she’d be embarrassed. Because she’s a racist who hates black people. Or loves them and feels bad for insulting them. Either/or. Hopefully the former.
Also it’s a crime to abuse the elderly now? That hardly seems fair. I just assumed their memory loss was my way of pretending I was one of the Men in Black. God makes them forget for a reason. Just like he makes me repress things that the elderly did to me as a young boy. Circle of life.
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Jul.24.2008 50 year-old lady to play pro basketball again
If you’re as religious a follower as I am of the WNBA, you’d know by now that the Detroit Shock (who might be the reigning WNBA champions or the worst team in the league…definitely one of the two, I forget) just signed 50 year-old Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman to a contract.
Silly Nancy Lieberman, that’s a men’s basketball!
The Detroit Shock came up with a way to distract some attention away from their skirmish earlier this week.
The Shock signed 50-year-old Nancy Lieberman, a Hall of Famer and one of their former coaches, to a seven-day contract on Thursday.
She became the oldest player in WNBA history at 39 while playing for the Phoenix Mercury in 1997, the league’s inaugural season.
Shock coach Bill Laimbeer says Lieberman, an ESPN analyst, was impressive during drills during last year’s WNBA All-Star game.
A spot opened up for Lieberman when standout forward Cheryl Ford suffered a season-ending knee injury Tuesday night when the Shock, assistant coach Rick Mahorn and the Los Angeles Sparks were involved in a skirmish.
Nothing will do more for the credibility of your sport after a hilarious brawl than bringing back a player who, 11 years earlier, was the oldest player in the league at 39 years old. Because I’ll tell you what, when I think top-notch athletics, I think of 50 year-old women. To put this into perspective, in baseball, a sport where a player can get away with BARELY MOVING, Julio Franco was only able to play until 49. And he was a MONSTER with a 25 year-old’s physical fitness.
On the plus side, this is one less menstrual cycle for the Shock to have to sync up. And if the Palace at Auburn Hills is occupied by a concert or something, they can play in Lieberman’s barren womb, which hasn’t been inhabited by any occupants or potential occupants since the Spin Doctors were a big deal.
Reports that Lieberman likes to kick, stretch, and kick are still unconfirmed.
Jul.24.2008 Mysterious, unquantifiable noise annoys couple
An elderly couple in Green Bay has been troubled by a repetitive noise for the past two years. The problem is, no one else can hear it.
Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that’s been plaguing them for two years sounds something like a rumbling motor, with a subtle vibration that won’t quit. Then it stops — especially when they try to show city officials or acoustic experts what they’re hearing.
It’s enough to keep 76-year-old Leona from sleeping.
“It’s like there’s a semi parked right outside with the engine running, but when you look out, there isn’t one,” she said.
She and her husband, who is 75, have lived in the same house for 42 years. The problem only developed over the last two years.
Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating.
“It doesn’t matter if the windows are open or closed — you still hear it,” he said. “It’s worse in the winter.”
When they leave, the don’t hear the noise, he said, so they know it’s not some health problem the two share.
City officials hired a company for $1,000 worth of testing in the house this spring, but the tester came up with no noise and no significant vibration.
Not some health problem they both share? I disagree. It’s a very serious health problem affecting millions of the elderly across the globe. That problem? The cold breath of sweet lady Death sneaking up behind you. Except you’re old, so it doesn’t really have to sneak any more. It can probably run. And jump around the house. And play hopscotch. And then if it tried to talk to you, you’d be all like “WHA? GERTIE, THIS SKELETON GENTLEMAN IS WHISPERING TOO QUIETLY,” even when Death is yelling. It kind of takes the joy out of it, I’d assume.
Jul.22.2008 The July 22 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with Hooters
-How not to act when you go to a Hooters
-The Milwaukee Bucks dancers shake it for your arousal/amusement
-Georgia May, Mick Jagger’s daughter, is hot and wears a bikini
-Old men know how to break a beer pong slump (w/ video)
-It’s not nice to set your friend’s nutsack on fire when he’s passed out. Also: jail
-Michelle Wie has nasty thoughts
-Not all MMA fighters look like badasses. Here are the least imposing ones
-Some old men you’d want to hang out with (non-Lemonparty edition)
-8 questionable castings that worked out pretty well
-Michael Jordan has new spicy Latina poontang in his life
Jul.09.2008 Old people having more hot sweaty sex
Coming off the heels of the findings that more sex for old men heals erectile dysfunction comes this research that illustrates how more and more old men and women are getting it on.
More 70-year-olds are having good sex more often, Swedish researchers said on Tuesday in a finding bound to bring a smile to many an aging baby boomer.
They found 70-year-olds of both sexes are having more sex than they did 30 years ago, and many more women report being satisfied with their sex lives.
“Attitudes are more open-minded and positive today, at least in the elderly themselves,” said Nils Beckman of the University of Gothenburg in Sweden, whose study appears in the British Medical Journal.
Beckman and colleagues interviewed four groups of 70-year-olds in Sweden about their sex lives between 1971 and 2001. They found that 68 percent of married men said they were having sex in 2001, up from 52 percent in the early ’70s.
The number of married women having sex rose to 54 percent in the group interviewed in 2000-2001, up from 30 percent in the early 70s.
And 12 percent of unmarried women interviewed in 2000-2001 said they were having sex, up from less than 1 percent in the early ’70s. The number of women reporting high sexual satisfaction also increased, with more women reporting an orgasm during sex and fewer reporting never having had one.
Rather than voice my immense disgust for the elderly as I usually prefer to do, I’ll point out the positives of sex with the elderly:
-No pulling out! All the key pipes stopped functioning a loooooooong time ago.
-You can finally see what your balls look like up close, because your partner’s entire body looks exactly like them.
-Like socks filled with sand? Welcome to the privilege of old lady bosoms.
-You can pretend you’re Brendan Fraser in The Mummy when you ejaculate because the backdrop is exactly the same.
-You learn all types of new things. For example, did you know that dust and cobwebs could accumulate in a vagina? It’s like having sex with the Batcave!
Grossest post ever on this site? Possibly.
