Nov.19.2008 Kid charged with sexual battery for hugging a social worker
Kids love hugs from strangers. It’s science, at least according to NAMBLA. But a junior high kid might be charged with sexual battery for hugging a school social worker.
A junior high school student could be charged with sexual battery after allegedly giving a school social worker an “inappropriate” hug, MyFOXKC.com reported.
The employee at Chisholm Trail Junior High School told an assistant principal that the 13-year-old boy embraced her in a way that made her uncomfortable, according to police in Olathe, Kan.
A school official contacted the boy about the incident and then released him to his parents, but the local prosecutor is weighing whether to file charges, according to MyFOXKC.com.
“The incident was documented and it has been forwarded to the district attorney’s office,” said Olathe Police Sgt. Johnnie Rowland. “They will review it and decide from that point what action should be taken.”
It’s kind of absurd to charge the kid. In all seriousness, I would guess that the kid hugged her from behind, perhaps had a little teenage erection (or large, depending upon what area of town this is, if you catch my drift) and probably lingered a little long. In which case we should probably applaud this kid for knowing how to seduce a woman at such a young age. Or revile him for getting more action than you have in the past month.
I hope that’s what happened, because that hug would have to be unbearably inappropriate for this to make any sense. I’m talking like a full-on hug that left yogurt stains on her dress. Or the kind of hug I used to get at Boy Scouts that got me my Good at Keeping a Secret badge.
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Nov.18.2008 Strippers want money? No way.
A collection of strippers from NYC strip club Scores are suing the establishment for taking 10 cents off of every dollar the whores received from patrons using the club’s fake money. Whose side am I on? The fake money, probably.
Almost 70 Scores top strippers want their bosses to hand over the 10 cents they skimmed from every dollar slipped into their G-strings.
Following a hearing Monday in Manhattan Federal Court, lawyer Justin Swartz said dozens of former Scores employees - most of them dancers - have joined a class-action suit former Scores bartender Siri Diaz filed in October 2007.
The women accuse Scores of a “greedy money grab” engineered through the use of “Diamond Dollars,” play money customers use to tip their favorite lap dancer.
The strippers say management skimmed 10% off their “Diamond Dollars” take. Swartz said the two sides are “discussing the possibility of a settlement.”
There’s so many shocking pieces in this story. Scummy strip club owners? Women who show their labia for money (I know, they don’t do that in NYC, but come on, the idea of showing your labia for money is much funnier than just breasts) somehow wanting even more money? I’m taken aback by all of the unconventional ideas in this story.
It’s not in my nature to go against the rights of our brave nude Americans and their rights to earn the money they’re due for doing such brave things as: Showing their breasts to strangers, pretending to be interested in those strangers, wearing clear high heels, dancing to Motley Crue, giving handjobs to unattractive traveling salesmen for slightly more money, calculus, shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas, and much much more. We must support their naked bodies unwaveringly, ideally by propping up said bodies against our erect penises for which we wear sweatpants in order to maximize the amount of contact they give us during their lap dances. Yessir, being a stripper is a glamorous life indeed.
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Nov.17.2008 An exciting new way to get high!
I may not agree with what teenagers do, but I really have to admire their conviction in coming up with new and exciting ways to get unbelievably high. For example: smoking air fresheners.
Officials are worried about a new recreational drug trend among Berlin youths called “Spice” that could lead to permanent physical damage, daily Der Tagesspiegel reported on Monday.
Spice is apparently just a harmless and legal mix of herbs meant to provide an aromatic smell as an air freshener, manufacturers say. But teens are rolling the substance into cigarettes to get a marijuana like high, officials told the paper.
“The high is supposed to last longer,” emergency drug abuse worker Michael Frommhold told the paper. “Sometimes it lasts between six and eight hours.”
But because Spice, unlike marijuana, is sold legally in head shops across the city, authorities told the paper their hands are tied when it comes to preventing kids from smoking.
Recent weeks have shown a steep increase in reports of Spice misuse, Frommhold said, adding that it is a psychoactive substance that can lead to hallucinations and psychological problems. “It can lead to anxiety attacks all the way to schizophrenia,” he told the paper. Many head shops around town have reported long waiting lists for new deliveries of the product.
I was never big on using any non-traditional drugs so I’m curious to find out how kids figure out what can and can’t be smoked. Is it a trial and error thing? Are there some Danish children out there snorting cat feces in the hopes that it’ll make them temporarily forget all about how the cheerleaders at Danish High School were mean in math that morning? Or is there an email blast or perhaps an automated message like the ones schools have for snow days calling kids like “Hey, try licking the underside of a hippo’s balls and you’ll end up feeling like an 8 foot-tall Viking”?
Let’s see if we can start a rumor. I hear that if a barely legal teenage girl dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl slurps up the jizm of a blogger in his mid 20s, she gets the most amazing high that actually allows her to take flight. In the time it takes for someone to try this rumor out, I’m going to practice pulling out my genitals and smarmily going “Well well, what do we have here?”
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Nov.14.2008 “Second Life” relationship leads to real life divorce
Video games lead to divorce! Families torn apart by virtual infidelity! Oh woe is me!
A couple have divorced after the husband was caught having a “virtual affair” with a female character in an online game.
David Pollard and Amy Taylor met in an online chat room in 2003 and married after discovering a shared love of the internet game Second Life.
In the game, players create characters known as avatars, which then interact with others in a virtual world. To his wife’s horror, Mr Pollard’s interaction included virtual infidelity with a female character playing the role of a prostitute. Ms Taylor said yesterday that her husband had been guilty of the “ultimate betrayal”, even though he had never met the real person behind his online affair.
The lovely virtual couple and the even lovelier real life couple are pictured above. It’s reasonably absurd that something like this would happen, but I guess there’s something to be said about the damage that a spiritual affair can do…it’s almost as hurtful as a physical one, if not moreso. So yes, this is a rare occasion…I’m taking a woman’s side. I know, I know, I’m sorry.
In related news, I jerked off to Ms. Pac Man. The way she gobbled those bananas…she knew what she was doing. Slut.
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Nov.12.2008 This is the worst business offer I’ve ever received
I get a lot of shitty emails of stuff from this site. I like getting emails offering partnerships and ads and whatever, those are awesome. What I don’t like…business opportunities based around fat people copulating.
Hello webmaster,
This is Michael from Largefriends.com. I wonder if you are interested in running your own BBW=big beautiful woman dating site or work-at-home business. We would like to work with you setting up Dating Site for plus-size Singles.
We can set it up for you at no cost if you have strong interest in this field or work-at-home business. You can pick the name for your own BBW (big beautiful women) dating site, own the domain and brand. We take care of all the backend and engineering work. Also customer service work,
You don’t have to worry that no one exists at your BBW dating site at the beginning. Your site will share hundreds of thousands of profiles with other BBW sites we have already set up. Your users can immediately contact hundreds of thousands of other deaf users once they register at your BBW dating site.
You can earn money if you can get users registering at your dating site.
It is easy to get users visiting your BBW dating site by doing the followings:1. Invite friends, friends of your friends to visit it;
2. Write blogs on popular sites promoting it;
3. Create friend circle on some social networking sites to get to know more friends.;
4. Use business card, fly sheet to promote it when joining social activities;…
For more details, please email me at largefriendsmarketing@gmail.com or go to the below information link:
http://www.largefriends.com/private_labelIf you are interested, please let me know.
Thank you for your consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.
Yours sincerely
Michael
marketing manager
http://www.largefriends.com
I’m hard pressed to top the level of absurdity emanating from this proposal, but I can try. There is absolutely no situation in which I want to assist in helping the obese procreate. And while I think the site name “Large Friends” is fairly adorable and sounds vaguely like a kids’ cartoon about a hippo and a giraffe beginning a lifelong friendship based around wacky antics and a love of leaves, I would never want to attach my personal brand to such an endeavor. And what self-respecting pig would go on a site promoting themselves to either chubby chasers or equally gaseous individuals?
Put it this way: I’d rather “invest” in a new business venture that involves a 24/7 camera watching me masturbate until my penis turns into a lifeless shred of chewed up pork than spend my days wondering if one Beluga whale can distance himself from the vat of onion rings long enough to fingerfuck some other Beluga whale.
Nov.12.2008 22 year-old wins World Series of Poker and $9 million
Oh you know how I love people younger than me with infinitely more wealth and success. Well, now we have a 22 year-old poker player added to that list.
A 22-year-old Danish poker professional won the World Series of Poker early Tuesday, turning a wheel straight on the last hand to become the youngest champion in the history of the no-limit Texas Hold ‘em main event.
Peter Eastgate hit an ace-to-five straight on the turn and instantly called an all-in bet from Ivan Demidov on the river to win the title and $9,152,416. Demidov held two pair, twos and fours.
The previous youngest champion was 11-time gold bracelet winner Phil Hellmuth, who was 24 when he won the tournament in 1989.
“It feels good to beat Phil’s record,” Eastgate said after taking pictures with stacks of $100 bills and his new gold bracelet. “I was not focused on the record that I could break, I was just focused on the game.”
There is no singular money-generating thing that bothers me quite as much as poker. Well, poker and Web sites. Because holy shit does it get annoying to see how every good idea I’ve ever had get turned into a Web site sometime a couple months later. Which is why I’m left with this soupy drek I write every day. If I saw Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg on the street, I would kick him right in the head of his cock.
Anyway so yeah he’s $9 million richer. Whatever, I found a Junior Mint on the floor and I ate it. So we’re pretty even, I’d say.
Nov.10.2008 Mother abandons daughter at hospital but it’s cool because it’s Nebraska
A mother left her daughter at a hospital in Nebraska under the state’s new laws saying that any child can be abandoned at will.
Police say a woman has abandoned her 18-year-old daughter at a hospital, saying she can’t control the girl, in what may be the latest use of Nebraska’s unique safe-haven law.
The woman told officials at BryanLGH Medical Center West that her daughter, who was adopted, is bipolar and has a learning disability, Assistant Police Chief Jim Peschong said Monday.
“The adoptive mother says that the daughter refused to take some medication for some conditions that she has,” Peschong said. “She won’t listen to her, can’t control her.”
If the young woman’s status is confirmed by the state, she would be the 30th child abandoned under Nebraska’s safe-haven law since it went into effect in July. A spokeswoman for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services did not return a call seeking comment Monday.
Well, that seems like a good idea. I find it kind of funny since Nebraska is fairly conservative in every way, meaning they’d probably prefer you not abort a child, yet you can just go, “Heyyy fuck it, let those 10 year-olds go into the wild! They’ll figure it out! There are berries and shit out there!”
In related news, abandoned 18 year-olds are more than welcome to stay at my home. What I lack in nutritious foods and education for you, I’ll more than make up with copious jizm. And episodes of Muppet Babies.
