Jun.30.2009 Cross-dressing clowns are always causing problems
Parades in general can get pretty out of hand. But even still, it’s hard to say any has gotten quite as out of hand as Denver’s Pridefest, in which a cross-dressing clown committed a robbery at gunpoint.
Not the clown in question, but you’d be surprised at how few cross-dressing clowns the Internet yields
The Boulder Police Department is looking for a cross-dressing man wearing clown makeup who robbed a liquor store on Saturday night.
Boulder police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said officers received a call from the Boulder Beer Emporium, on the 4700 block of Table Mesa Drive, just before midnight. The caller said that the store was robbed.
The witnesses described the robber as a man wearing red and white face makeup, a red and purple wig, a fake nose and a denim dress. Employees told police they didn’t think anything was peculiar when he walked into the store because of the Pridefest events happening over the weekend in Denver, Huntley said.
The clerk said the man walked up to an employee in the store and asked for help in a feminine voice, saying, “Will you help me? My husband is out of work.”
After being rebuked by the employee, the man walked to the checkout stand and showed the clerk a pistol.
The man did not take any beer or liquor and left with an undisclosed amount of money, Huntley said. The robber fled on foot just as two other customers were walking into the store, Huntley said.
You know whom I’m really concerned for? The gay cross-dressing clowns who don’t rob liquor stores. They’re just trying to live a normal life filled with clown make-up, shopping at Lane Bryant, and sodomy. They don’t need this social stigma hanging over their head.
This really should be taken as a wake-up call for Gay Pride parades across the country though. A cross-dressing clown came into a liquor store during a Gay Pride Parade and the store owner didn’t find this unusual. If that’s not a sign that you need to tone it down a bit, I don’t know what is.
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Jun.29.2009 Going.com has a classy Michael Jackson tribute
I once did a pub crawl with Going.com which, of course, means that I have to get their emails in perpetuity for the rest of my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I could care less, but this marketing email (pictured below) that I got about a “Tribute to Michael Jackson: King of Pop Pub Crawl” struck me as a bit tacky.
I personally think it’s pretty scummy to marry yourself to some sort of tragedy to make money, but hey, whatever works. I don’t think that “moonwalking down 2nd Avenue” is going to cut it though. If you’re going to do a Michael Jackson “tribute,” do it all the way. Let’s get a Brooke Shields look alike to walk out of a bar with me, then try to kiss me as a I go, “Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!” then vomit in a garbage pail for an hour. Then let me flamboyantly smash the shit out of a car like it was my abusive stage father. Then we can cruise by a playground where I make vague but inappropriate gestures towards kids and ultimately pass out in a gutter after getting painkillers injected straight into my bloodstream. Now THAT sounds like good times. So long as I don’t have to throw Clorox on my skin at some point. Not sure I’d pay for that one.
Jun.29.2009 Artist gets money to study asses
Art is totally subjective, but receiving a buttload (lolpuns) of money to study the female derrière seems a bit pointless. Sexy, but pointless.
Bonus…check out the classy comments on the source of this photo.
A CHEEKY artist has been given a £20,000 National Lottery grant - to look at girls’ bums.
Sue Williams was given the cash to “explore cultural attitudes towards female buttocks”.
She will create plaster cast moulds of women’s behinds to try to understand their place in contemporary culture.
Swansea-based Mrs Williams, 53, will also examine different racial attitudes towards bums in Europe and Africa. She said: “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom.”
Emma Geliot from the Arts Council of Wales, which awarded the grant, said: “This produces a tee-hee response but there is a serious point.”
Oh there’s a serious point alright…IN MY PANTS. HA! For you see I’m implying that I may have an erection due to the featuring of numerous asses. Jokes are always much funnier when you overexplain them.
I guess there’s probably some validity to studying asses and the sociological implications of them. But I don’t think I’d trust it to some old British lady. If you want an exuberant and thought provoking analysis of the female ass, I’m pretty sure there are countless guys with hidden cameras who’d be more than willing to help you out. They’d probably even pay for it themselves. Then again, they’d quite possibly be too sticky to read. And I don’t think you’d want to lay hands on the plastercast of the asses either. But you should have known what you were getting into when you hired that ass fetish pervert for free then, now shouldn’t you?
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Jun.26.2009 Assault with a deadly Cheeto
Snack treats are great…delicious, fattening, and they also make fantastically creative weapons in assault.
A local couple arrested on domestic assault charges Sunday had an unusual choice of alleged weaponry — Cheetos.
Warrents filed by Cpl. Kevin Roddy, of the Bedford County Sheriff’s Department, stated he responded to a call at a home on Pass Road, where 40-year-old James Earl Taylor and Mary S. Childers, 44, were allegedly involved in an argument.
According to Roddy’s report, the pair became “involved in a verbal altercation” with each other “at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault.”
“There was evidence of the assault,” the report read, “however no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined.”
According to the Shelbyville Times-Gazette, both posted bond of $2,500.
Maybe that’ll teach him to bogart the Cheetos Lip Balm.
This is just disappointing to hear. Cheetos are supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. The coked up cheetah who overcame addiction and the fact that he’s an animal to slave over chemical beakers in a lab and make a delicious snack treat will be absolutely mortified when he reads about this. How could you hurt such an innocent land animal? He’d never want something like this to happen. Not a water animal though…Charlie Tuna is practically begging for you to bash someone’s head in with one of his oversized tubs of his relatives. He has no scruples.
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Jun.26.2009 Mother of 550-pound kid jailed for neglect
Obesity is a serious problem in America, but fortunately some brave souls are looking it square in the face and going, “Eh, nothing I can do.” But then there are cops arresting them for it.
This is not the fat kid in question, but wow, what a cool fatty
A mother is being charged with neglecting her obese teenage son, raising issues about whether the government has the right to intervene in one’s family life.
Born and raised in South Carolina, Alexander Draper grew up to reach a dangerous 555 pounds by the age of 14. That’s when law enforcement stepped in.
“The first and foremost concern is Alexander’s health,” Lt. Shea Smith told CBS News.
Alexander’s mother, Jerri Gray, was charged with unlawful neglect of a child for allowing him to become obese.
“There have been opportunities to get Alexander some treatment over the course of the last several months and unfortunately some of those things have not been taken advantage of,” Smith said.
But Gray, released from jail Monday on $50,000 bond, says she does not have enough money to get her son the treatment he needs.
If anything, isn’t this the exact opposite of neglect? Shouldn’t she be charged with overglect or something? I mean yeah, she didn’t get the kid treatment, but clearly she kept pumping him with something delicious so at least she cared on some level.
Maybe we can just feed her son’s fat to African children and solve two problems at once. People don’t think outside the box enough. Then again, sending this giant to Africa on an empty stomach might not be the best idea. He’d probably end up eating them all like they were chocolate Peeps and contacting some sort of superAIDS that, when mixed with a blood like Jello, becomes deadly and explosive. Anyway this is why I’m not allowed around fat people or Africans, I guess.
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Jun.26.2009 Michael Jackson
I think you can probably guess where I fall on this one, but Michael Jackson died yesterday after going into cardiac arrest at the age of 50. A reverent animated tribute to his character, written/animated before his passing obviously, is embedded below.
Honestly, it sucks that he died poor and isolated from the world after being one of the biggest and most influential acts in the world. All joking aside, I don’t know that I ever truly bought that he was some brilliant child molester who was somehow faking being batshit crazy to gain access to more boys’ underpants. This is what can happen when you strip a child of his innocence and force him to perform and lose the experience of actually being a child.
The biggest joke of all though is the media and people who were the first ones to call the guy a freak and a weirdo and mock him being broke acting like they give a shit now. You can’t beat a guy to the point that he’s literally got to pop a bunch of pills to numb the pain enough to exist, then turn around and treat him as though you’ve always held him in the highest esteem after he dies. You can remember Michael Jackson as a polarizing figure and someone who didn’t make the best choices in life, you can love his music and cling to that. But the media and regular people acting like they give a shit now after slinging arrows and not caring for years is the biggest joke of all. Stop marrying yourselves to tragedy and putting these people on a pedestal like you weren’t trying to tear them down for literally almost 20 years.
Here’s a collection of Michael Jackson jokes from late-night hosts. Here’s a link to Michael Jackson’s Thriller music video (which, while somewhat ironic now) is still one of the best videos ever made. That’s an even-handed way to remember someone who’s the closest thing to a Greek tragedy to ever be a part of pop culture.
Also here’s my jokes, via my Twitter:
Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
-He heard they had boys pants half off. And a buy 1 get 1 free sale on tires for dead guys.
As a tribute to Michael Jackson, Chris Brown is going to punch a young boy in the face today instead of a woman.
Jun.25.2009 Gay exorcisms seem fun
Granted, I often burst into flames the moment I enter a church, but I haven’t ever gotten the opportunity to see a young man being exorcised of his homosexuality. But this exorcism of The Gays out of a kid in a Connecticut church is undeniably compelling.
I like how the woman towards the end of the video is trying to be poignant when she says that she “thinks they were trying to help him, but instead they were just murdering his soul.” Now, yes, if he wants a meaty one down his gullet, by all means, he should help himself. But some bullshit church pretending they can turn a man from gay to straight won’t really change who he is. I’m pretty sure he was a confused young man going into this, otherwise he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. So really all they did was make him through up and seize a bunch. While that’s certainly not a good thing, I doubt it was soul breaking.
The funnier thing would have been if the exorcism worked and the spirit entered the priest’s mouth, so then he just started making out with the kid or fucking his face. I’m not saying it’d be proper church etiquette, but it certainly would have been a compelling twist.
