Oct.20.2008 Quote of the Day
A former Mr. Gay UK was convicted of killing an eating an ex. His sentencer, Judge James Stewart, was less than pleased.
He told Morley: “Not only did you murder your victim by cutting his throat and stabbing him but you cut him up, cooked him and ate part of him.
“Before this case I had associated cannibalism with eras long gone, with the tale of Robinson Crusoe. No longer.
“You have plumbed (sp?) depths rarely encountered in our court.”
[source]
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Aug.04.2008 Mary-Kate Olsen is shady when it comes to Heath Ledger
I don’t know a whole lot about how to kill Heath Ledger (I assume that, based on his portrayal of the Joker, he’s impervious to punching, more punching, explosions, and Christian Bale’s stupid gravely Batman voice), but I know how I’d probably avoid prosecution for his death. I’d probably want immunity before discussing it with the Feds, like Mary-Kate Olsen.
Actress Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to answer questions from federal authorities investigating the accidental overdose that killed actor Heath Ledger until she receives immunity from prosecution, The New York Post reported.
The former child-star, famous for playing Michelle Tanner on “Full House,” was a close friend of Ledger’s and the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his Soho apartment in January, The Post said.
But federal officials could force the actress to tell them details on the “Dark Knight” star’s drug use and events leading up to his death if they obtain a grand-jury subpoena.
Reports were, of course, that Olsen and Ledger were boning leading up to his death. Which would probably make me overdose on things to numb the pain too…I think having sex with Mary-Kate would be like putting my genitals in a meat grinder while smashing my pelvis into a brick wall.
I’d have thought if anyone from Full House were going to fuck and murder Heath Ledger, it’d be Dave Coulier. Or maybe those twins who played the sons of John Stamos and Lori Loughlin. Where have they been during all of this? Up to no good, I bet. Probably doing mischievous things and going “Doubletrouble doubletrouble doubletrouble doubletrouble,” hanging around with mysterious Latinas in red trenchcoats. We’ll get them, Chief. So help me, we’ll get them.
Jul.30.2008 Bear gets head stuck in jug, officials help by shooting it
This story just made me sad. A bear had its head stuck in a jug and then it got gunned down in its prime.
Minnesota wildlife officials tried for six days to capture a bear that had a plastic jar stuck over its head, but ended up killing the animal after it wandered into a city during a festival.
The wild black bear — whose head got stuck inside a 2½-gallon clear plastic jug presumably while foraging for food — ambled into the city of Frazee, about 200 miles northwest of the Twin Cities, during the town’s busy Turkey Days celebration.
“When it got into town, our main concern was public safety,” said Rob Naplin, the Department of Natural Resources’ area wildlife supervisor in Park Rapids.
While the bear could breathe, it couldn’t eat or drink and was likely suffering from dehydration and hunger. “I’m sure there was high anxiety and frustration with its predicament,” Naplin said.
In the six days that followed the initial sighting of the bear, officials tried to trap it and tranquilize it in numerous locations, but to no avail.
By the time the animal showed up in Frazee, conservation officers decided it needed to be killed to avoid conflicts with humans.
“Oh bother,” said the bear, before being shot in the fucking face by some assholes whose job it is to catch wildlife yet can’t stop a BEAR WITH A JAR ON ITS HEAD. Seriously, how impotent do you have to be to not be able to stop a bear with a jar on its head? You could probably just have one guy kneeled over behind him and then shove him over. HE HAS A JAR ON HIS HEAD.
I am curious though as to how the bear got the jar on his head. Did he really go after some honey, like I’d assume? Or maybe he wandered into a jar factory and the jar was built around his head? Or maybe he was born that way? Perhaps he’s a supervillain, a bear version of Spiderman’s enemy Mysterio? This bear’s death leaves a lot of unanswered questions. And uneaten picnic baskets. Enjoy your sandwiches while they last, you bastards.
Jul.29.2008 “Puppy kills infant”: Cutest murder headline possible?
It’s very rare that murder can be so adorable but when you have a 2-month old puppy taking out a 2-month old infant, it’s just about as cute as it could possibly be. I guess unless you’re the parents…but what are the odds they’re reading?
“There can be only one, human.”
For now— police believe a black labrador puppy attacked and killed the baby.
The boy died inside the home at 101st and Evanston late this morning. Police say the infant was left unattended in a swing with two dogs in the room, the lab puppy and a pug. The black lab has been euthanized.
EMSA says any dog can turn dangerous.
“Even a very familiar family dog can turn on you, puppies specifically, they’re unpredictable, they’re young, they got a lot of hormones going on, you’ve never know what they’re gonna do,” says Chris Stevens of EMSA.
In fact, nearly all the dog bites EMSA has treated in the last three months have involved dogs the children have known.
“Never let an animal sleep in the same room as your child, have your pets spade or neutered, it does relieve a lot of the aggression.”
That’s some top-notch writing. Indeed, having your puppy turned into a playing card’s suit will help keep it under control. Also, having it “spayed” may help. Both are important really. It’s always nice when a writer writes his or her articles by sounding simple words out and then using the incorrect homophone. It’s a staple of journalism.
That seems kind of unfair to the black lab puppy though that it was euthanized. Not only did it not know any better and not only is it not the puppy’s fault that the baby’s parents are idiots, but fuck that the puppy WON. Sometimes an unstoppable force meets an immovable object and clearly that’s the case when you put a baby and a puppy in the room. Plus, who’s to say the pug didn’t set the black lab up? He didn’t even get a fair trial! The justice system just doesn’t work. More like All Dogs Go to Death Row. No justice, no peace!
Jun.03.2008 Drunk driving makes for great visuals
There’s awesome, there’s really awesome, and then there’s drunk driver plowing into a bike race in Mexico awesome.
A car has plowed into a bike race along a highway near the US-Mexico border, killing one and injuring 10 others.
Police investigator Jose Alfredo Rodriguez says the 28-year-old driver was apparently drunk and fell asleep when he crashed into the race.
A photograph taken by a city official shows bicyclists and equipment being hurled high in to the air by the collision.
Rodriguez says Juan Campos was charged with killing Alejandro Alvarez, 37, of Monterrey.
You hate to see a bunch of people get injured as a result of one person’s failures at life. Even if they are Mexicans. And I know we all think that Mexicans are barely people, but come on, let’s put that aside for a minute. Wait, we don’t all think that? Oh. I thought there was a bill passed to that effect. It must have been in my dreams. Sigh.
You know what they should do? Hire some Mexicans to clean up that mess. They must be pretty plentiful for hire in Mexico. Work on that, Johnson.
May.27.2008 Fox News isn’t even hiding it any more
Some bitch I don’t know who just looks/sounds cunty misspoke on Fox News, saying “Osama” instead of “Obama” when discussing Hillary Clinton’s statement that Barack Obama might find himself assassinated like Robert Kennedy. Oh and then she said that both Obama and Osama bin Laden “would both be assassinated, ideally.”
Hmm, call me crazy, but I’m thinking that, as Hillary proved, implying that the first serious black Presidential candidate who’s already received numerous threats and the largest Secret Service detail in history should be assassinated MIGHT get you in a wee bit of trouble. But then SAYING that you’d like to see it happen…hmm, probably even more of a bad idea.
Unless you’re actually going to do it because at least then I can respect you for your followthrough. Whenever I have a bad idea, I refuse to back off it until it’s done. It’s the Alpha Male way to do things. Like the time I told everyone the Earth was flat. It’s like, what the fuck is this “globe” BS? You give me a sheet of paper and some crayons and I will tell you the best way to find a shipping route for spices. I don’t care that this happened in 1994, I’m not buying your shit, Magellan.
May.19.2008 Mortal Kombat murder? Huh?
Video games are always a popular target/failsafe to pass the buck and accountability for a crime committed. But a Mortal Kombat murder just seems odd.
A Johnstown teenager has been ordered to stand trial after a 7-year-old girl in his care died in what police said was a beating that imitated the “Mortal Kombat” video game.
A Weld County judge ruled Friday there was enough evidence to warrant a trial for Lamar Roberts, 17, accused of child abuse resulting in the Dec. 6 death of Zoe Garcia and child abuse resulting in serious injury. A trial date will be set after a June 20 court hearing.
Zoe died of blunt-force trauma to the head after she was hit, kicked and slammed to the floor as the teens reportedly re-enacted the video game, authorities have alleged. The two were baby-sitting while the sisters’ mother, Dana Trujillo, 30, was at work.
Roberts later told a friend, Janee Cardenas, “he was doing martial arts on her (Zoe) and that his hands were registered weapons,” Halldorson said.
It’s always pretty smart to brag in really lame ways after killing a 7 year-old. It’s unfortunate that this incident happened because I bet that this Lamar Roberts was a real winner. He could have been many great things. Like a test subject for new medicines. Or perhaps the manager of a poorly trafficked Taco Bell. Truly a shame that he will probably be in jail forever.
I do find it odd though to emulate Mortal Kombat of all games. That game came out like 12 years ago, maybe we should update what we’re going to try to do when murdering people. Or at least be more clever when imitating an old game. For example, the next time I kill someone, I’m going to paint them blue, eat a “power pellet” (not sure yet if it’ll be shrooms, meth, or E), and then eat them alive. Then I’ll wash it down with a nice cherry, ideally one the size of my body. Then you can call me the Donkey Kong Killer, because you’re not too good at getting references.
