The community at large (by which I mean gay men, closeted gay men, and, uh, I guess me?) is saddened by the news that the beefcake equivalent of Playboy, Playgirl, is closing down shop. Well, technically it’s going to the Web exclusively, but whatever, what’s the point of showing your twig and berries to the media if it’s not in a prestigious print format.

Since Playboy is always knee-deep in female athletes willing to pose for the magazine (and always subsequently generate a ton of interest, regardless of how worthless the athlete is), what athletes could Playgirl have utilized to save the magazine’s print livelihood? Here’s eight I thought of. Because clearly I can’t stop thinking about nude men. What can I say, it’s a blessing and…a blessing!

John Madden
Suggested headline: Simply Madden-ing
There’s something sexual about John Madden, in spite of his hideous outer appearance. Maybe it’s the way you know that he tenderly inserts that chicken into that duck into that turkey every year or maybe it’s the animalistic way in which he rips it apart when it’s prepared. He’s a sex machine in the same way Chris Berman is; in a completely disgusting way that confuses you and makes you wonder why women are allowed to think independently. Bonus: It’d be pretty easy to get him to do the photoshoot. You just dangle a chicken on a fishing rod in front of him and you can get him pretty much anywhere. That’s how he did the photoshoots for the covers of Madden back before he figured out that if he lays on the floor, he can eat the chicken without having to move.

Kevin Garnett
Suggested headline: The Big Dicket
He’s big, he’s black, and he’s strong. There’s an intensity in his eyes that says “I will damage you” yet a tenderness to the way he takes care of his teammates that says, “Hey, I’m not so bad.” Plus a saucy photoshoot with KG would open all kinds of other fantasies, like a romantic evening with the former MVP. Truly a magical night full of shouting, chest bumps, more shouting, and being forced to dress up like Wally Szczerbiak would lie ahead for anyone who dared climb the Garnett mountain.

Phil Mickelson
Suggested headline: Phil Me Up
Catering to the not-quite-completely-committed homosexuals, this would be the best pictorial to offer hot man meat combined with ample bosoms. You put your thumb over his upper and lower extremities and it’s like you’re checking out Perfect 10 Magazine!

Muggsy Bogues
Suggested headline: Big Things Come in Small Packages
Gay guys love stuff like little dogs so I imagine this would be a pretty natural conversion. And let’s be honest, even as a heterosexual male, you’re curious as to what the 5′3 former Hornets guard is slinging. Just like Larry David and Richard Lewis were in the clip below.

Alex Rodriguez
Suggested headline: Putting the Rod in A-Rod
His soft purple lips and tendency to lust for the “muscular she-male type” would make an appearance in Playgirl a hit for him and the magazine’s readers. By opening himself up to a key constituency of muscular people with a willingness to wear dresses, A-Rod would be able to find all kinds of sexy new playmates with the rippling physique of Madonna and the Adam’s apple of Derek Jeter. It’s not about the money for A-Rod, it’s about all the fringe benefits.

O.J. Simpson
Suggested headline: Freshly Squeezed Juice
He needed the money, he seems to have no aversion to doing bizarre things (hi failed O.J. prank show Juiced!), and he could just hand copies of the magazine to new white blond women and go, “Now you know everything you’re getting into,” with a sly wink. And the photoshoot practically creates itself. O.J. sprawled out on a white Ford Bronco in nothing but a football helmet, O.J. as a sexy burglar with a knife in his teeth, O.J. shirtless and cutting oranges and Nerf balls in half so that they flap open like a Muppet head, there’s just so much that could have been done.

Andre Agassi
Suggested headline: Fuzzy Balls in your Face
The chest hair, the earrings, the unwavering flamboyance, Brooke Shields’ well-known addiction to hardcore pornography…frankly there’s no reason why Andre Agassi shouldn’t have found his way into the sticky pages of the magazine. The main thing that must have kept him from an appearance in the mag was the fierce heterosexuality and machismo that would have caused unrelenting discrimination against him on the tennis courts. The fraternity of tennis players will not tolerate anything other than the manliest of men.

Brady Quinn
Suggested headline: This Quarterback Has One Tight End
It wouldn’t be a gay joke post about athletes without Brady Quinn. I think we all knew that. For a man so young, Brady Quinn has a tremendous track record of latent homosexuality. From his prancing around in tights, to his adventures in men’s crotches, to his leather chaps, and his threats to beat up all those dirty ‘mos, Brady Quinn has done much for, and to, the gay community. What better way to make it up to them and continue a career of confused sexuality than to pose nude in Playgirl while claiming it’s for “all those sexy babes out there.” Then he could claim he didn’t know it was a magazine primarily read by guys. Oh Brady…you’re so coy.