Oct.23.2008 Zac Efron sauntering onto Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Zac Efron is going to be in the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, according to reports coming out of the UK. There’s a butt pirate joke here that I’m just too classy to make.
Zac Efron will star in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 and, according to reports, will bag £6 Million for the role.
Efron is one of Disney’s biggest stars through the High School Musical films and now it seems they want to keep him on.
The deal also secures the 21 year old for High School Musical 4- which he’d previously been reluctant to commit to.
Zac will now star alongside Keira Knightley and Johnny Depp in the next Pirates movie- which is likely to hit cinemas in 2010.
I don’t think it’s an extremely unnatural departure. Zac Efron has made his fame being a singing high school student with dreamy eyes and, seemingly, a penchant for crossing swords. Meanwhile, pirates typically enjoy sodomy to ward off lonely nights on the high seas. It’s a natural progression.
It’s probably silly to see it as such sacrilege. In fact, why limit the Disney tie-in to just Zac? You could have Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens play some busty wenches who want to seduce the heroes but they get so distracted and just start making out with their hearty bosoms heaving mightily. Yeah basically I’m suggestion that they turn the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel into illegal pornography with minors. It’d be a step in the right direction after the last one.
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Sep.23.2008 9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products
Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying”.
TOYS
WWF Thumb Wrestlers
What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:
At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.
Spider-Man Web Shooters
One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.
You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).
BOARD GAMES
The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame
Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch the Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.
Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.
Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.
So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.
FOOD AND SNACKS
Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies
Image: X-Entertainment
I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.
Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.
Sep.17.2008 The September 17 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a cheap shot
Losing a plant isn’t worth fighting over
-The USC Song Girls know how to show off their underwear
-What to do to impress a lady during your first sleepover
-A mom steals her daughter’s identity to become a high school cheerleader
-Some awkward guys photobomb photos of hot girls
-Daniela Pane is a Myspace girl who loves bikinis
-Fidel Castro is a ladies man of epic proportions
-More Megan Fox than you can shake a stick at
-Transexual darts champion is a bit of a problem
-More living Chucky dolls…this time dancing around while Jessica Simpson performs
-Shauna Sand knows how to wear a see-thru dress
-The 10 most awkward political gaffes
-Miley Cyrus has a new boy toy
Sep.15.2008 Megan Fox thinks Miley Cyrus has been corrupted
Megan Fox is a classy broad and certainly a good barometer of taste for young girls. So her take on Miley Cyrus and the other Disney girls in the latest issue of GQ truly reflects a relevant opinion.
Megan Fox has said Disney’s methods for creating teen singing stars makes her feel “sick”.
In an interview with GQ, Fox slammed the corporation for training artists such as Miley Cyrus too hard and not allowing them to have a grounded upbringing.
She said: “[Disney] take these little girls… teach them how to sing and dance and make them wear belly shirts, but it won’t allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick.”
Fox can next be seen co-starring with Simon Pegg in comedy How To Lose Friends & Alienate People, which arrives in cinemas on October 3
Miley’s response would certainly include this face:
See? She looks totally normal and happy and not at all like a complete psychopath.
Who cares what Megan Fox thinks anyway? She dated Brian Austin Green for God’s sake. Meanwhile, Miley’s making millions upon millions and driving around in $75,000 fully loaded Mercedes Benzes…she could have been turned into some sort of singing, dancing, posing-topless-in-Vanity Fair cyborg and she’d still probably be completely content so long as Disney allowed the Miley Cyrusbot’s artificial intelligence to feel emotions.
More from Megan Fox’s photoshoot in the Russian FHM (it’s like FHM in America, but with more reverent passages about Lenin) below.
Aug.04.2008 Miley Cyrus has been hacked yet again
Just as predicted on Friday’s post on Aussie pop star Jess Origliasso’s nude pics, America will not stand to see its teen whore crown taken from Miley Cyrus. Check out these photos leaked on that Digital Gangster forum with the dude who hacked Miley Cyrus’s email.
There’s even some speculation that in the above photo, Miley has a wad of jizm on her stomach (see slightly to the left of her belly button). Now I’m no jizz expert, despite what my business cards might say, but I find it far-fetched that Miley would take photos of herself with baby batter on her stomach. Wouldn’t there have to be someone there who left the jizm? And couldn’t they be the one to take the photo/insist on taking the photo then? I don’t think they’d just leave the room and demand she take a self-portrait with the load of life fluid. Plus Miley seems like more of a swallower than that.
Anyway there are two more photos below. I hardly feel as though these photos have upped the ante from the aforementioned Origliasso photos, but I guess there should be something of a curve considering Miley is underaged. If only there were Olympic judges who specialized in unexpected, pop star candid sluttery. One day. Dare to dream, I say.
Aug.01.2008 Aussie “Miley Cyrus” Jess Origliasso is disrobed
I dunno who this chick is (she’s hot though so that helps) or why it’s such a big deal because she’s 23, but Gawker is reporting that Australians are in an uproar over Australian pop star Jessica Origliasso having nude photos of herself leaked on the Internet.
Earlier this week, Gawker’s sexy sister site Fleshbot tracked down a topless photo of Jessica Origliasso, a 23-year-old Australian pop star who sings in a group called The Veronicas with her twin sister. For ease of comparison, let’s call her the Aussie Lindsay Lohan (they both like to kiss girls). Now people in Australia are going all WILD over this scandal and BARING THEIR BOSOMS. We must call for calm!
We thought Australians were all drunken harlots anyhow? We don’t follow Aussie pop music but we’d imagine this sort of thing would be almost an imperative. Intoxicated Aussies falling down on the the beach, isn’t that how it goes, stereotypically? But since the news broke on Fleshbot, Origliasso’s rep has tried to deny the topless photo is her, even though it’s part of a set that obviously is her.
More alarming has been the response of the singer’s young fans, in an online forum:
The fans on the forum had been planning to send in photos and videos of themselves in bras and bikini tops as a symbolic gesture of support for Jess.
For your edification, the uncensored photo of Miss Origliasso can be found here (NSFW, obvs). And here’s her face:
Well, I can’t see any reason why Jess’s teenage fans posting photos of themselves in various stages of undress would be bad. If anything, it should inspire our American teenage whores to say “No more!” Not as in “no more saucy pictures of yourself leaked on the Internet,” oh God no. But more like “HEY AUSTRALIA, WE CAN DO IT BIGGER AND BETTER.”
Frankly if this doesn’t end in teenage girls in their bikinis holding hands with kangaroos singing “We shall overcome” I will be tremendously disappointed. Don’t let me down Australia. So help me, I will send armies of sting rays down there after you if you do. I hear that’s their one weakness!
Jul.22.2008 Miley Cyrus to slut it up in theatres?
Miley Cyrus isn’t a slut. She’s a victim who’s, at most, guilty of making mistakes. At least, that’s what she’s saying in a recent interview with Good Morning America.
Teen pop sensation Miley Cyrus is stepping back into the spotlight, promoting her new album “Breakout” and calling the provocative photos of her published in June’s Vanity Fair magazine a “mistake.”
The revealing photos caused an uproar and threatened to tarnish the 15-year-old’s squeaky-clean image when they were released back in April.
“I think I was just in a stage where I was just trying to get things done, and maybe look for an older audience. I was working with a big magazine just trying to go with what they were saying,” Cyrus told “Good Morning America’s” Robin Roberts, speaking in an exclusive interview for the first time since the Vanity Fair photo shoot.
Yeah, big mistake. There’s nothing better than seeing a young actor really ply their trade. So when you see someone early in her career like Miley Cyrus stretch her acting chops by playing a young whore in a new movie, you really need to stand up and applaud.
However, a source close to the project says Cyrus is interested in the part, which would be that of “a lovable, lost suburban girl who descends into a life of reckless partying and promiscuity.” The source says if Cyrus did take the part, you’d be seeing a lot more of Cyrus than what appeared in the Vanity Fair photos. “There would definitely be nude scenes,” says the source.
Well, I guess that’s consistent with Miley’s belief that her Vanity Fair photo shoot was a mistake. Perhaps the mistake wasn’t that she posed topless for a camera, but the mistake was that it wasn’t a video camera. Also what movie gets green-lit that has a 15 year-old nude in it? Because I’m pretty sure this may not be a traditional movie so much as it may be a guy with bad facial hair with a Handicam. Or is this a film directed by Roman Polanski?
How do you pitch the idea of a film about teenage promiscuity with Miley Cyrus nude scenes? “You know what mainstream filmmaking needs more of? Underage nudity!” If that’s the case, then I really missed out on a couple of Titanic-level blockbusters in high school that would have really launched my on-screen career. I don’t know how webcam footage of myself masturbating would translate to the big screen, but I’m more than curious to find out.
