Sep.18.2008 Presence of midgets, topless women shut down bar’s liquor license
You know how you know you’re a great bar owner? You have midgets and topless oil wrestling at your establishment.
The liquor license for a Canton business will be suspended for 60 days because two women wrestled topless at a recent “midget wrestling event.”
The penalty is substantial, Mayor Kevin Meade said after the city liquor commission voted unanimously Wednesday to suspend the license for Outskirts Bar and Grill at 725 W. Locust St.
“It’s meant to send a message to other businesses in town that this won’t be tolerated,” Meade said.
Outskirts owner Kim Scott cried after the vote.
“I’m not being treated like any other business,” she said. “Don’t tell me I am, because I’m not.”
Outskirts hosted a Micro Wrestling Federation event on Aug. 16.
Scott said she had a contract with the group for male wrestlers to perform. When the group arrived, Scott said, two women in oil were wrestling topless while she was outside smoking.
Scott said she stopped the match as soon as she found out the women were topless.
You know who I feel bad for? The midgets. They’re trying to run a legitimate business in the form of their wrestling federation and they have to get lumped in with such classless individuals as the topless girls. Don’t these people understand that the diminutive performers are serious athletes? And what about the little wrestler with the preacher gimmick? Father McLittle must have been outraged at the blatant slap to the face of his religion.
Topless women. How awful. I’d much rather have a bunch of drunken depressed men, 50 year-old bar skanks, and stale beer served in poorly-cleaned glasses. Thanks Canton!
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Aug.14.2008 Anna Faris is on the cover of Playboy for not being naked
One may think that, based upon the number of vitriolic posts about Playboy today that Hugh Hefner peed in my cereal or something, but they just suck today. Exhibit A: Anna Faris is on the cover of the new issue, but not naked. At all.
While Faris doesn’t appear nude in Playboy, she actually told me recently she was definitely tempted to strip down for the mag.
“I felt really sexy,” she told me of the shoot. “I found myself totally getting into it. I was like, ‘Let’s just take it all off.’ ” (Her publicist convinced her otherwise.)
No surprise, but Faris wears body-bearing barely there outfits for most of the flick.
“I was working out hard,” Faris said about getting in shape for the flick. “My boyfriend was like, ‘Baby, you got to eat. You’re losing your butt.’ ”
The House Bunny is the first full-length feature allowed to shoot at Hugh Hefner’s legendary Playboy Mansion. “It was my first time there,” Faris said. “It was surreal. There were randomly placed jars of baby oil but no babies that I knew of…It was great: peacocks, monkeys, hot girls and old men in pajamas! It was awesome.”
That’s all well and good that she felt sexy and ready to go but what the fuck Playboy, let’s get your act together. Having an attractive chick on the cover and not having her nude (which, if you’ll recall, got Playboy sued before) is just false advertising. It’s like if I buy a car magazine and find out that the sexy convertible on the front isn’t really a convertible, but two midgets with a body kit on top of their heads. It’s like, yeah I guess this is still cool, but not exactly what I was expecting when I judged your book by its cover.
Anna Faris is cute and funny though, which confuses my penis. I hear if you laugh while ejaculating, your brain flies out of your ear. Or an angel gets its wings. One of the two.
[Derby tip for story to FilmDrunk, always worth a daily read]
Jul.16.2008 NYC trains are like sexy town
I take the train everyday so you can imagine my disappointment when I read a study about the majority of women being groped on trains and I’m somehow not involved.
You’re on the subway, heading to work, when someone rubs up against you in an inappropriate way. In New York City is happens to women more often than you think.
CBS 2 HD has learned the Metropolitan Transportation Authority has no real plan to deal with the problem.
It’s rush hour and the subway is full of people in a hurry to get somewhere. And that’s when it usually happens.
“Somebody came up behind me and touched my butt,” Judith Doren said.
A study by Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer found 63 percent of women surveyed reported being sexually harassed while on subways and another 10 percent said they were sexually assaulted.
The study also found that 69 percent of the women surveyed reported they had felt the threat of sexual assault or harassment while on the city subway system.
“Felt the threat”? Sounds to me like a couple of fatties were sticking their big ol’ butts out and waiting for a grouping which went unfulfilled.
I dunno though, I also feel like this number might be slightly inflated. Like I’m sure I’ve gotten penises all over me on the train (some deliberate, some not; who are you to judge?!?!)…it’s kind of what happens when you’re in extremely close quarters with a couple hundred other people in a 40×10 box. There was a midget on the 6 train the other day and fortunately for him, the train wasn’t packed. Otherwise I would have delicately placed my scrotum on his head. It’s not sexual harassment, it’s a fact of life.
Jun.25.2008 7 year-old drives car, is child
Some kid who totally wasn’t any sort of ethnicity drove his grandmother’s car down MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD (DING DING) and crashed it. It’s a slow news day, blow me.
Matthew Sands had to look twice at the driver of a red Geo Tracker that passed him on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard Tuesday morning.
Mafatau told police he tried to stop the vehicle as the 7-year-old boy crashed into a bush near Burger King west of the mall. The boy drove off around the mall and then crashed into a bush and tree near Outback Steakhouse when Sands stopped his car and tried to get the keys out of the Geo.
The boy then threw the vehicle in reverse and backed into Sands’ car in the mall drive off Granville Avenue.
“He was awful small to be driving,” said Sands of Hartford City.
You know who else is awful small to be driving? Midgets. And we not only let them drive their stupid midget cards with sticks and booster seats everywhere, but we also let them LIVE. And REPRODUCE! So fuck that, let this little kid drive all he wants. At least he’s going to grow some day.
Jun.05.2008 The June 5 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a midget ladies’ man
–When you’re a non-celebrity midget sleeping with real people, you have to be a player. Take his advice (w/ video). [Gibbs12]
–Sorry kids, no “douchebag”-themed parties for your college. [Tasty Booze]
–The New England Patriots wholeheartedly endorse drugs. [Don Chavez]
–Rachael Ray wants to spend her days squeezing meat (w/ video). [Mac G's World]
–What do you want from the NBA Finals, beginning tonight? [Cuzoogle]
Apr.25.2008 MIDGET FRIDAY! Midgets are impressive wrestlers
Well, I enjoy both fun wrestling moves and midgets, so finally, these two twains can connect into one happy intersection. This may not be the longest clip, but it’s damned impressive. Watch a midget’s face grind in a faceplant position across a wrestling ring in this video below…
So, is this like a thing all midgets can do? Like, if I just opt to start throwing them down the block? I guess there’s no way to find out without trying but every time I pick up a midget they’re all like “Hey what are you doing dude?” I just did that in a squeaky midget voice when conjuring up that image in my head. It’s pretty funny when you think about it like that. In text, not so much. Stupid midgets. Cooperate with me more.
Try not to wear your designer watches to such wrestling matches. Many a rolex watches and fossil watches have been ruined by these matches and it is proffered that light mens watches are worn.
Apr.04.2008 MIDGET FRIDAY! Gnome stalks Argentine town
Somehow this story completely fell under my radar. A couple weeks back, The Sun found out about some dude dressed as a gnome that was “terrorizing” a town in Argentina. I guess just his existence was terrorizing because I can’t imagine a midget doing much damage other than like maybe running full speed into your ankles or something. Anyway, the midget-y goodness begins like 30 seconds in.
Stage one: Scare brown people.
Stage two: ?
Stage three: PROFIT!
