Oct.27.2008 The 7 most unspeakably creepy clowns

I came across this photo from I-Am-Bored and instantly was brought back to my childhood irrational fears of clowns. This post is a public service for you if you’re thinking about being any type of clown for Halloween. We all hate clowns, to some extent, and you have these 7 fellows to thank.

via Gigglesugar

Ronald McDonald
Famous for: Giving to sick kids and clogging their arteries simultaneously

Sure, he’s designed to lure kids into loving the McDonald’s brand, but Ronald McDonald is a creep, plain and simple…there are hours of footage from commercials to back it up. For example, his TV debut:

He can cure all the sick little kids he wants, but it’ll never make up for the 10 he undoubtedly tortured for days on end in his dark basement. Sure, the smell of fries was welcome at first, but that quickly evaporates when you find a crazed clown mounting you like a steed while demanding that you say “I’m the Hamburglar and I need punishment for my crimes.”

The Joker
Famous for: Criminal activities, Fighting against the rampant outbreak of seriousness

He’s been an urban terrorist (The Dark Knight), an evil prankster (Batman cartoons), a former gangster (Batman…the first one), and an incompetent homosexual (Cesar Romero, as seen below, in the original Batman series). Clearly any of these would strike fear into your heart.

The reasons you’d find The Joker terrifying is pretty simple. He’ll make some snappy little remark, possibly shoot you in the face with a flower, chuckle, and probably kill you. But at least he’d look like he’s having fun doing it, if that’s any consolation.

Slightly unrelated, but I think the best way to write Heath Ledger/The Joker out of the new series of Batman movies would have been a note saying “The Joker died on the way back to his home planet”.

John Wayne Gacy
Famous for: Entertaining dozens of local kids in Illinois with his exciting clown performances, Killing them

John Wayne Gacy lived for two things: Murdering young boys and balloon animals. You can probably guess which one of those led to his downfall. And yes, in spite of the dangers involved of a balloon animal lifestyle, it was the young boys.

It’s a shame, because he seems so well-adjusted in the interview above. And by well-adjusted, I mean well-adjusted to his zeal for being a complete creep who refuses to admit to the fact that he killed a bunch of people. He does seem fairly well spoken though which is good because you don’t simply become a serial killer dressed like a clown by using poor grammar and broken English.

Pennywise
Famous for: Being really really creepy in the book/TV movie It, Poor dental hygiene

If Pennywise were a real guy just hanging out in a clown suit and killing people, that’d be terrifying enough. But the fact that Pennywise is a shape-shifting manifestation of evil that likes to kill kids, well, that’s just a cherry on top.

It really says something about the horror you can inflict on someone if you can appear in someone’s head, throw some blood balloons, hump a rail and yell some shit and they run away in abject terror. It also really allows you to just kick back and enjoy being a disembodied evil spirit. It’s so easy to get caught up in all your work that you forget to really enjoy what you do. Not a problem for old Pennywise.

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Oct.02.2008 The 7 most completely bizarre McDonald’s commercials

After seeing that video yesterday where a man punched a teenage girl in the face at a McDonald’s, I got to thinking…McDonald’s is pretty much as wholesome a slice of Americana as we have. Only, not so much when you take a look at some of these perturbing commercials throughout McDonald’s history.

Ronald McDonald’s TV debut

This is supposed to be the first ever McDonald’s commercial, conveniently coinciding with the first appearance of Ronald McDonald. And, with such a stellar debut, you’d think it would have probably been his last.

There’s just something menacing about him in this. Whether it’s the pedophilic voice (and the way he already “knows the kids”), his food hat (never trust anyone in a hat made of food…I’m looking at you, Chiquita Banana), his serial killer make-up, or his dancing alone to a somewhat perturbing jingle, it really hits all the notes. The total package terrifies me. Imagining him yelling at me to eat the hamburgers off of his “magic regenerating burger tray” makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and pray that he just moves onto a more willing victim. And people today say the Burger King is creepy. You kids don’t know how easy you have it.

Into the heart of McDonaldland…

Some research shows that this is one of the first “McDonaldland” commercials, a campaign which debuted in 1971, and it shows. It’s definitely got a 60s feel to it, with the LSD-inspired hamburgers with eyes and french fry plants (perhaps a precursor to the Fry Kids, only they don’t scream when you eat them) and the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine-sounding theme. But at the same time, check out Ronald’s fro. That bad boy is pure 70s Black clown power Dolemite.

Of course, the idea was basically entirely ripped off from H.R. Pufnstuf, leading to a lawsuit that meant shutting down the McDonaldland usage in TV ads. No way Mayor McCheese was pleased…did you see him in there with the McDonaldland Chief of Police? He was all about business, trying to maintain sanity in this crazy crazy world around him.

The Hamburglar touch

The Hamburglar dreams that he could turn everything into hamburgers, which is working out pretty well for him as he just goes around making everything into hamburgers (but not eating them, which seems kind of counterproductive). Eventually, he decides Grimace would make the greatest hamburger of all, but Ronald puts the kibosh on that one. So the Hamburglar accidentally touches his face and becomes a hamburger himself. Since paradoxes greatly confuse the Hamburglar (”How can I steal the hamburger if I am the hamburger?”), he wakes up horrified.

Here’s one thing I never understood. The Hamburglar loves McDonald’s hamburgers, but doesn’t like paying for them. So he turns to a life of crime, solely consisting of hamburger-related theft. In spite of the fact that Ronald seems to always be cockblocking the Hamburglar’s attempts at living up to his name, he and Grimace opt to hang out with him and a plate full of burgers which, presumably, they bought. Why would you tempt him? Even if he’s genuinely your friend, do you hang out with alcoholics and start spraying hoses filled with vodka up into the air? Ronald has a real sinister side to him.

Also for fun: Imagine that this is the diner scene from Heat.

The Grimace has stolen all of our cups.

Turns out that Grimace wasn’t always a friend. His introduction to the viewing public came when he committed a dastardly deed in the form of stealing all of the cups in McDonaldland. Now maybe I’m just less heroic than Ronald, but when a giant blob monster steals all my cups, I’m inclined to let him go. But the discourse between Ronald and the kids went more like this:

“But how will we drink our delicious triple-thick shakes, Ronald?”
“We’re going to have to get the Grimace.”
“Um…he’s an 8 foot-tall monster. We could just drink it straight from the machine, clown. Or even buy new cups.”
“…what did I just say.”
“*in unison* Sorry Ronald.”

Of course Grimace is basically retarded because he is, in fact, a brainless pile of goop, so he falls for some hare-brained lie about a contest and Ronald gets all the cups and shakes are had by all. How Ronald and Grimace became friends after Ronald’s deceit escapes me. How could you ever trust him again?

To McDonald’s credit, they really crammed a lot of plot in there. It was more well-thought out than Two and a Half Men, at least.

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Sep.12.2008 The September 12 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy with Shamu

How to successfully make an ass out of yourself at Sea World

-An awesome collection of innuendo-filled signs
-Brazilian booty dancing (w/ a very important video for very important people)
-Gemma Atkinson’s boobs are indeed in your face
-The definitive 25 sexiest sportscasters
-Peyton Manning is a king of comedy

-This monkey is amazing with kung fu (w/ funny video)
-Heidi Klum is pretty in red lipstick
-Gina Gershon as bikini-wearing, gun-toting Sarah Palin is pretty awesome (w/ video)
-The ASP World Tour has some of the hottest women around in surfing

-Follow-up from my post this morning…So is Jessica Simpson fat or pregnant?
-It’s a Friday Poon Hunt
-Ohio State has a quad full of sexy girls in bikinis
-This is officially a fuckload of Big Macs

Jul.30.2008 The July 30 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy now with actual content

So I’m going to try different stuff here to get you assholes to actually click the links I sweat over to provide for you. Today is an awesome faceplant bike clip. Tomorrow? Who knows!

-Hot chicks love McDonalds (w/ video)
-I don’t know who Carolina Ardohain is but she’s the hottest thing on the Internet today, guaranteed
-Women suck at driving
-Erie cheerleaders have much to offer

LINK OF THE DAY: All you need to know about beer bongs

-An extremely attractive Auburn football fan disrobes
-Dina Lohan gets kicked out of parties
-This year’s Olympics should be tranny-free
-Judge Judy didn’t take to yesterday’s earthquake well (w/ MUST SEE video)

-Job search Web site remind you of your misery
-The cuter the animal, the more brutal the death (w/ scientific graphiness)
-Why can’t Grid Girls have outfits that cover up their ample cleavage?
-Monkey and goat make sweet sweet love (w/ humorous unsexy video)

Apr.24.2008 You can Take Your Child to Work today.

Today is national Take Your Child to Work Day! And you know what that means: Pedophilic glances at your daughter! And also, familial bonding. So after your child had found out that you do nothing other than update your fantasy baseball team, masturbate to internet porn, and hit CTRL TAB a lot to look like you’re working on something important (conveniently enough at the exact moment someone enters your workspace), what can you do?

Well, if you’re a parent of a teen working at McDonald’s, you can go to work with them!

Today, New York Tri-State Area McDonald’s restaurants celebrate the inaugural Take Your Parent to Work Day. A creative twist on the more traditional Take Your Child to Work Day on April 24, Take Your Parent to Work Day was conceived by area McDonald’s to celebrate the supportive parents that help make McDonald’s Crew members the best in the business. Across the area, McDonald’s employees are
encouraged to bring their parents to work and show them the fun and the variety of experiences that go into a day at McDonald’s. Not only do parents have the chance to see the work their children do, but they can be a part of the McDonald’s team for a day and learn how each restaurant functions as a whole from food prep through the work of McDonald’s supportive managers.

“We are thrilled to launch Take Your Parent to Work Day,” said Paul Hendel, president of the McDonald’s New York Tri-State Area Owners/Operators Association. “It’s going to be an enjoyable day for parents, employees and customers, but most importantly it’s a chance to showcase the teamwork, ability and dedication of our teams at McDonald’s. We think everyone, parents and McDonald’s crew members alike, will learn something new about themselves from this experience.”

Ooh, exciting! For the first time, not only can you be ashamed of your child, you can be ashamed of your child LIVE! It’s like having a reality show of all your disappointments of a parent. Only with 80% more hamburgers being dropped into rat feces and a character named Ricky who smells of homegrown plants and takes frequent “breaks to ’smoke marijuana’”. Ronald McDonald…you know what’s up!

I went to work with my dad a couple times when I was younger. It was a reason to not go to school, whatever. Anyway I realized my dad didn’t really “do anything” other than get breakfast and hang out. I’m not going to say that’s the day I completely lost faith in society, but it’s certainly one of them. Anyway happy worthless holiday!