May.15.2008 Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon might be developmentally challenged
So I didn’t cover this because it went down while I was out of town, but this whole Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon marriage thing is bizarre. And it gets more bizarre by the moment since, apparently, their honeymoon was at an amusement park.
Newlyweds MARIAH CAREY and NICK CANNON enjoyed a magical night at Six Flags Magic Mountain in L.A. on Tuesday evening — and the star couple invited only ET’s KEVIN FRAZIER and our cameras inside the theme park with them! Tune in to Entertainment Tonight on Wednesday to see all the romantic fun.
Mariah couldn’t believe her eyes when she and Nick arrived in a Rolls-Royce at Six Flags, only to find it transformed into a private party palace just for them — a special surprise arranged for her by Nick!
The normally packed theme park played host to the newlyweds and an exclusive guest list of 100 invitees, and the entire premises was decorated in purple and pink balloons, not to mention signs reading “Nick and Mariah: A Love Story.”
I’d just like to point out how sad and transparent it is that you’re looking for attention when you invite Entertainment Tonight on your bizarre, incredibly (and conveniently) visual honeymoon at an amusement park. Seriously, I hate when celebrities pull the “I just want to live my life” card, then they go “HEY ET YOU WANNA COME WATCH THIS PRIVATE MOMENT WITH ME AND THE GUY I MARRIED AFTER SIX WEEKS? K COOL.”
Also what the fuck kind of retards are they to go to an amusement park? Like, yeah, it’s fun and whatever but if I’m a multimillionaire marrying another multimillionaire in a whirlwind wedding, I’d want to do something cool, not something that acne-ridden 13 year-olds hopped on Mountain Dew take part in. Unless it’s a game of Ookie Cookie. In which case, I can think of no better way to spend my honeymoon. Jerking off onto a cookie in a race against time to stave off humiliation and bleach breath seems like a fine way to prepare my wife for the rest of our lives.
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Apr.22.2008 Mariah Carey would be violated by kids
Mariah Carey gave a sort of odd explanation as to why she doesn’t want kids. Fortunately, the Daily Mail is all over it.
“It’s hard to have kids in this world,” she told OK! magazine. “I don’t think I could properly educate a child right now. Maybe in the future, but I actually haven’t thought about it.
“For now, I enjoy my dog Jack’s company. It’s definitely because of childhood traumatic stuff. The whole not wanting to have a baby as a baby.
“I never wanted to feel violated and I know that’s a kind of weird thing to say, but that’s how I am.”
Despite approaching her 40th birthday the singer’s love of pampering shows no sign of waning.
While I would absolutely love to tear down a woman I find moderately attractive to make myself feel good, I kind of agree with what Mariah’s saying here. Disclaimer: I do not have a vagina. However, I feel as though if I had one and had to pass a small turkey through it, I’d feel a bit violated too. And I’d also feel like I’m carrying an upside down bucket afterwards. And frankly, I’m not comfortable with either of those things.
She just wants to spend some time with Jack the Dog, some oven mitts, and a whole vat of peanut butter. You should applaud her for her progressive views in female-canine relations rather than say “HEY, YOUR WOMB SHOULD BE USED.” Mariah Carey is a real American hero.
Apr.01.2008 The April 1 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy to wakka wakka April Fools hahahahaha oh man
–Florida: America’s Penis. [Losers With Socks]
–Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart is a man of the people; even though he fucks celebs now, he still finds time to get sorority girls drunk. [Brahsome]
–Lauren Conrad is selling herself. Not in the Eliot Spitzer sense. [The Beer Goggler]
–Christina Aguilera is boning too loudly for neighbors’ tastes. [Snarky Gossip]
–Mariah Carey will hang up on your DJ if she damn well pleases. [Hollywood Rag]
