Jun.04.2009 7 YouTube videos that could be considered child abuse
Now I understand that having kids is sometimes just another way to keep life interesting, but scaring the bejesus out of them is kinda wrong. Taping is even wronger, and then putting it up on YouTube for the whole world to laugh at…well, it’s pretty damn hysterical.
“Oh Suzie, you’re always walking into doors! You should be more careful.”
At least it is to us. But, what about these poor kids in the videos. Some become internet sensations and that can alter their lives (and in some of these videos, spinal columns) forever. Yet, the parents throw them up on YouTube because they’ve been bitten by the fame bug. “A few million hits and Timmy will be famous,” they say to themselves. Of course Timmy doesn’t say anything because he’s in a full-body cast and his mouth is wired shut. A small price to pay for the 15 minutes we supposedly all get a crack (no pun intended) at.
The children are our future. Well, they will be if they can find a way to make it out of the whole “childhood thing” alive. With the terrible parenting skills exhibited by these videos, I don’t hold out much hope for these next 7 children.
Read more
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
May.26.2009 7 stupid things men do to impress women
For thousands of years there has been Man. A few hours after Man was created, so too was Woman. Twice the beauty and only half the driving skills. And for thousands of years, Man has done utterly asinine things on account of Woman. Men have climbed the highest mountains, waged catastrophic wars, built epic monuments in their honor, painted them beautiful pictures and then promptly mailed them their ears; we created wine and designer shoes and Gossip Girl in an attempt to appease the fairer sex.
“Here’s the wheel, Wilma. Now let’s discuss how you might give me a blumpkin without the bathroom sink dinosaur noticing.”
Man invented the wheel, so that he could later invent the Ferrari, then the string to place gently on guitars, and right now somewhere in the world there is a guy in a Ferrari listening to the Dave Matthews band in his new car because this is his hot blonde model girlfriend’s favorite song; and like Hannibal from the A-Team, that man is basking in the glory of a plan coming together.
It’s no accident that men do stupid things for women. I’ve been on my share of boring museum tours, an art gallery opening that looked more like a murder scene, weddings for people I don’t know, spent a hellacious afternoon in a Bed Bath and Beyond (charges were later dropped) and yes, I’ve been “paint shopping” before. That’s right, I spent a day looking at those little paint cards at Lowe’s and ended the trip by screaming “There are only two shades of white! There’s “white” and there’s “NOT FUCKING WHITE!” “Pick a Goddamn shade or so help me I’ll take this nail gun and mow EVERYONE in this place down!!!”
Oh yeah, I’ve also been to over three dozen flower shops in probably a dozen or so states. Nothing says “I’m sorry for screaming about voluntary manslaughter in public again,” better than a dozen red roses and a well thought out card.
These pictures show the lengths that men will go to in order to gain their affections. Some are dumb and some are down right idiotic, but the one thing that all males have in common is the shame that goes with doing stupid things for the women we love/want to love/want to have sex with.
Read more
May.13.2009 7 real-life women you’d need to survive on the LOST island
I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic Park. Safe to say that I could survive by myself, but I thought about a perfect scenario for this and here is what I came up with.
First rule would be take all the cell phones and tell the women that you’re going to try and find a spot on the island that gets reception. Then when you’re out of sight, just dump them all in the water. Nobody is going to need those. The women on the island with you have the necessary skills to keep you alive and happy on even the smallest island. So if you’re for some reason stranded in the South Pacific and these 7 women are there with you, you’re probably going to want to just wait it out because you’re currently living on Fantasy Island.
Sarah Silverman – I’m imagining things get pretty boring when out on an island with no television or iPhones (you dumped those in the ocean, remember) and there are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes you can act out with a dead starfish and half a flip-flop before the medium becomes stale. You’re going to want someone funny to tell stories and entertain you, and with a repertoire of humor that spans the comedy gamut from semi-racist rants , to society hating sketches, and even delving into Matt Damon copulating music videos, you know Sarah Silverman would probably keep you laughing until the rescue team arrived. Or you would become offended that you decided to swim for it. Probably depends on what side of the fence you sit on.
Plus, she’s hot.
Karri Byron from Mythbusters – She can build just about anything out of just about anything. I figure with a pocketknife and a couple toothpicks, she’d be able to build a boat and sail your asses right off the island (Take that Gilligan!) And for those of you that think she’d need tools to be effective…she could probably build a good deal of those too. Kari has built a jetpack out of two liter bottles, she’s tested treating a jellyfish sting with vodka (Take that Dudley Moore!) and she has done not one, but two separate episodes about Jaws. All three of those things are going to come in handy on an island surrounded by water. Plus, Mythbusters has proved she’s a good shot with many different guns and loves to blow things up. She’s the Jill of all trades and possibly the most valuable woman on this list.
And of course, she’s kinda hot.
Apr.17.2009 Why dunking off the roof = Fail
When I was 8 years old, I dreamed of the day I’d be able to dunk a basketball. Soaring majestically towards the rim with my tongue out ala the Original #23; I would finally be like Mike. Six years and two feet of growth later, I finally lived my dream. The kids in these videos decided they couldn’t wait that long and found a way to expedite the dunking process. Why wait to grow two feet, when you have a perfectly good roof to jump off of.
So what separates my dunking prowess and the dunking prowess of the kids in these videos?
The ability to walk without the use of crutches.
Really? What the hell are we teaching kids in school these days? Because watching this, I can safely assume it’s not physics. I’m truly concerned for the youth of America. I do enjoy the fact that they lay a single pink deckchair cushion out to lessen the blow of his fall. Immaculate planning always leads to shin shattering dunking. But you gotta admit, he just gets up and does it again; and we have to remember that it wasn’t brains that got America to where it was today, but the willingness to dust ourselves off and try again until we get it right…or simultaneously snap our fibulas.
Jan.30.2009 The 7 most awful Super Bowl ads ever
Making a good Super Bowl commercial is hard. It takes months, if not years, of planning and research to make people remember your company’s ad. Conversely, 30 seconds of awfulness can make people remember you too, but for all the wrong reasons. Here are 7 ads which definitely fall into the latter category.
Christopher Reeve walking
Nuveen Investments, 2000
In 2000, paralyzed former Superman star Christopher Reeve “appeared” in this commercial. The message was that in the future, a whole lot of crazy crap is going to happen. Including, apparently, Christopher Reeve’s head being grafted to the body of a giant.
The goal of the commercial was to touch the hearts of Americans everywhere. Instead, everyone just kind of went, “Uh, that was creepy” and awkwardly took a bite out of their chicken wings. Oh also no one had any clue what Nuveen Investments did either because the commercial was really vague and almost made Nuveen Investments seem like an evil corporation from the future. Probably like the one that made Robocop.
Meet the official Holiday Inn transsexual
Holiday Inn, 1997
The gist of this commercial was that being a man getting a sex change was basically what Holiday Inn was doing to their hotels. Why this would make you want to stay there, no one was really sure, but if it’s good enough for Seinfeld’s Kenny Banya, it’s good enough for me.
The commercial was universally disliked and even resulted in some boycotts from various gay/transsexual/transgender groups. Probably not even for the hurtful depiction of their people, but rather for the tremendous slap in the face of being compared to a Holiday Inn.
White guys hunt down Kenyan, give him shoes
Just for Feet, 1999
There are few situations in which white men hunting down a black guy is going to make for a nicely received ad. This ad falls in line with that bold theorem on my part.
No embeddable clips so watch the commercial here
The premise if you’re too lazy to click: A Kenyan guy is walking around, being barefoot and Kenyan when some white guys in a Hummer drug him, capture him, then put sneakers on him. Eventually, he gets up all wobbly and runs, trying to free himself from these strange objects on his feet. The ad was so poorly received that it got a feature story on how bad it was on Salon.com, got the ad agency behind it sued (Saatchi & Saatchi, the agency in question, would countersue for Just for Feet’s ineptitude), and had a hand in Just for Feet’s bankruptcy later that year. So yeah, that turned out well.
Dec.10.2008 Today we are gayless
In protest of bills passed banning gay marriage in several states across the US, today is the Day Without A Gay, a day in which gay people totally disappear and don’t spend money to show their impact on society.
We’ve reacted to anti-gay ballot initiatives in California, Arizona Florida, and Arkansas with anger, with resolve, and with courage. NOW, it’s time to show America and the world how we love.
Gay people and our allies are compassionate, sensitive, caring, mobilized, and programmed for success. A day without gays would be tragic because it would be a day without love.
On December 10, 2008 the gay community will take a historic stance against hatred by donating love to a variety of different causes.
On December 10, you are encouraged not to call in sick to work. You are encouraged to call in “gay”–and donate your time to service!
The services in question would be volunteer work, not the type of services you’d expect from a bored gay man. Now I’m totally pro-gay marriage. If they want to go see each other in the hospital and get married and adopt, that’s totally fine with me. But I’m not cool with them taking this day to “show their importance”. Here are nine ways your life may be impacted by a Day Without A Gay.
-If you were planning on not being in the office today, you may want to change your plans. It’d be kind of awkward for you to come in tomorrow, only to have the other women in the office “applaud your courage” and then have your manager Carlos say “he didn’t know you were down for the cause” while stroking your thigh.
-For the love of God, don’t get a haircut. Your trusted gay stylist Antonio is off and going to the local barber may leave you looking like you got paid a visit from Stevie Wonder and his garden shears.
-If you were hoping to get your house redecorated, you may want to hold off until tomorrow. Unless your house’s decorations to consist primarily of stuffed deer heads and neon Coors Light signs. Design was never a strength of heterosexuality.
-Don’t bother checking your lesbian Web cam today. Because girls who are lesbians in porn are totally lesbians in real life. It’s science.
I salute you, you courageous heroes.
-Going to see a Broadway show? Well, then, I applaud your courage in being an outed homosexual. But I’d still expect to suffer a bit with 90% of the cast not available to perform tonight.
-Trying to save money on prostitutes in difficult economic times could be more difficult than usual today. Without a viable tranny alternative on the market, expect those damn female prostitutes to drive rates up. They’re the only game in town with a functional orifice.
-Did you fuck up really bad with your girlfriend or wife last night? Ordering flowers might prove to be a bit difficult so it’s probably best if you just pretend you banged your head and got amnesia and don’t remember what happened. Gauze to wrap around your head is much more affordable than a diamond earring alternative.
-If you’re planning to have sex with a gay man just to try it, today may be a great time to dive right in. They’re just hanging around, all bored and such and they’re probably really in touch with the whole “gay” thing. A pleasantry in line with how you support the cause and you’ll be knee deep in balls within minutes.
-If you’re a retailer specializing in short shorts, you might as well just close up for the day. And if you sell assorted rainbow flags and calendars of shirtless men with their undies slightly pulled away from their bodies…you might want to talk the kids into a year of community college so that they can try to get a scholarship at their university of choice.
So there you go. See? We’re all affected in some way. Keep fighting the good fight gay folks.
Dec.05.2008 The 6 most problematic Barbie situations in history
I’m a guy but I think Barbie’s pretty awesome. Blond hair, doesn’t need to eat, nice boobs, she seems like a great deal. But having been around penetrating girls’ sanity for like a century, Mattel has made some missteps with the doll. Here are the big (absurd) ones.
In 1965, Mattel came out with Slumber Party Barbie. Along with the Barbie doll, the package also came with pink fuzzy bathroom slippers, a scale that read 110 pounds, and a book entitled: “How to Lose Weight” whose contents read, in entirety, “Don’t Eat” (it was much easier to get a book deal in 1965). Apparently that upset some folks for A) Saying the fact that you weigh 110 pounds means you still need to lose weight, B) For a book telling girls not to eat, and C) Expecting girls to know how to read books.
1992 saw a lot of crazy things…Presidential candidates playing saxophone on shows where the host encourages viewers to bark loudly and, more importantly, Teen Talk Barbie. And while Barbie said traditional vacuous stuff like “Will I ever have enough clothes?” or “Wanna have a pizza party?” (ignore the fact if Barbie ate anything other than dried lettuce she couldn’t keep her sexy body), she made an uproar when one of her phrases was “Math class is tough!” The American Association of University Women bashed Barbie and Mattel for implying girls couldn’t do math. Then they went back to braiding their hair and asking daddy for a pony, I’d assume.
