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–Florida: America’s Penis. [Losers With Socks]

–Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart is a man of the people; even though he fucks celebs now, he still finds time to get sorority girls drunk. [Brahsome]

–Lauren Conrad is selling herself. Not in the Eliot Spitzer sense. [The Beer Goggler]

–Christina Aguilera is boning too loudly for neighbors’ tastes. [Snarky Gossip]

–Mariah Carey will hang up on your DJ if she damn well pleases. [Hollywood Rag]

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Of all the reality TV whores who are famous for having a “reality” that’s entirely unreal in every way, I like Lauren Conrad of The Hills the most. Because she’s out there doing important things.

So what if she’s had a fashion show and launched her own line: Lauren Conrad admits maintaining her designing career is still an uphill battle.

“I’m sure a lot of people don’t take me seriously,” she told the Wall Street Journal.

Conrad, 22, admitted, “I spend the most amount of time on the line, and it’s the thing that makes me the least amount of money.”

MTV hasn’t helped her promote her line (cameras never follow her as she works on her collection), so she must rely on paparazzi to stir up press.

(A Journal reporter wrote that Conrad chose to dine outside a restaurant because she’d be in better view of paparazzi.)

Her rocky love life also keeps people interested in her.

Enter Brody Jenner.

Even though Jenner betrayed - he met a girl just two days after Conrad flew to Paris, Us Weekly reports in its new issue - she said she doesn’t mind having him around.

“He’s a cute guy who’s OK with filming,” she said.

I’m glad the Wall Street Journal has elected to focus on such important things. Hopefully next they can extend their blockbuster coverage to such important topics as That Hot Dog Britney Spears Ate Half of Then Left Behind at Her Manager’s Office or Why Kim Kardashian’s Ass Was Inflated by Government Scientists.

Seriously though, I like Lauren Conrad even though she probably deserves nothing she’s been given and probably more than deserves a swift kick to the cunt. I’ll be forthright, I keep handsome men around me for the exact same reasons. Me and my reality TV crew keep it real, so we keep cute boys around just for me to flirt with for my show. I toss my hair and go “tee hee” a lot, but it’s just to keep my reality entertaining. Because my reality’s job is to make your reality seem inferior, even at the expense of my reality’s reality.

Paradox.

Apparently any asshole can have a fashion line these days. Exhibit A: Another slut from The Hills is opening her own.

THE Hills honey Heidi Montag is launching her answer to her MTV enemy Lauren Conrad’s clothing line, and planning to celebrate in “style” very soon.

We’re told, “Heidi has been [searching] for a place in LA to throw the launch party” for her fashion line — aptly called “Heidi Wood” — though the snitch in her camp said the faux-chested blonde is struggling to find a venue. A rep for Montag — not her former boyfriend/manager Spencer Pratt — assured us she will get her pick of prime nightlife spots.

I hope that the fashion line isn’t like what she’s wearing in the photo above. When you’re a thin blond with cartoonishly large breasts, I’d like to believe that you shouldn’t wear clothes that make you look like a frumpy librarian. In fact, this may be some sort of evil scheme to have armies of big breasted blonds clad in frumpy outfits that deemphasizes the things that make them special, interesting, or unique in any way. This is like a scheme that a James Bond villain would come up with. Damn you Heidi Montag. Your vacant stare and moon face led me to believe you were nothing but a buoyant simpleton. But that was what you wanted all along, wasn’t it? Crafty.

The hottest orgy with a flamboyant bartender

–Learn Flair Bartending and bartend like a man, instead of an alien-fucking-twink like Tom Cruise. [Mac Gs World]

–The top 5 songs you should be playing to mourn Brett Favre’s retirement. Before killing yourself, ideally. [Busted Coverage]

–Hotlanta from Flavor of Love: Illiterate, responds to anything written about her. [Shabooty]

–Do you need an excuse to link to pictures of Lauren Conrad? “No, you don’t,” said my subconscious. [A Socialite's Life]

–Does Patrick Swayze only have five weeks to live? More important question: Do these jeans make me look fat? That has WAY more bearing on my life. [The Superficial]